Could you REALLY go back?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Could you REALLY go back?
11
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 5:28pm
Hypothetically speaking, say your ex- sincerely regrets the breakup, confronts their issues, and really wants to work at making it better the 2nd time around.

Could u get back with your ex- AFTER you've already told your friends and family that you two were now apart? AFTER you've cried on their shoulders? AFTER they've given their opinions, etc.?

We write of wanting these people back in our lives, but time has passed, and I'm sure we've expressed our pain to friends and family. This message board is a great resource, but it is also anonymous.

What about those people in our lives who know our stories? How would you handle their comments? Would pride keep you from going back?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 5:46pm
Oh, I DID go back. After being dumped PAINFULLY and cruelly after ten months. We were apart for four months, then I let him come back. (For those who may be wondering -- no, I did NOT contact him, but boy I sure as hell wanted to!! All your "crying all the time/don't understand" posts could have been me!!) We were together from January to May, but still dating other people for about five months. I wanted more from him so I tried to break it off. At that point, he professed his love, promised to work on the issues, etc., etc. I agreed and broke-up the breakup. It was AWESOME for two months and you know what? He's now dumped me again FOR THE SAME REASONS, which really just boil down to him thinking, at 39 years old and balding, that he should be with a supermodel like he's always imagined, instead of with a regular girl (me) who he says he loves, can't imagine being with anyone else, is smart, funny , perfect for him (all his words...) but hey, I'm not a supermodel, just a regular, kinda pretty, kinda average girl. Who, me, bitter? :-)

It is less about what you've told other people than about the two of you. The people you love and who love you will accept what you do (while never letting you forget all of the bad stuff they know about him, unfortunately!!) and really, you WANT them to protect you but when it comes down to it, it's about you and he. Pride should NEVER keep you from going after what you want.

I went back twice and am now broken up for the THIRD time. There is a woman on these boards whose husband also left three times, with COUNSELING in between each time he came back and now he is gone again.

So the issue is not, what will your friends and family think, but how much can you bear?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2003
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 8:25pm
I've taken my X back before after he promised me major changes in our relationship. My loved ones didn't say anything at the time because they just wanted me to be happy. And they didn't hurl "I told you so's" either- after I dumped him for the second and final time. As I've gotten older & wiser, I've promised myself that I won't take back an X because he is saying all the right things- only if he does the right things.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 9:47pm
I took him back... with the help of marital counseling... those vows meant something to me... he just moved out Sunday for the 2nd time... yep, walked again. No regret tho for trying... at least I will always know that I did everything I could have to try to make my marriage work. BUT there is no more going back this time... my divorce finalizes Dec 4...


Edited 8/11/2004 9:49 pm ET ET by cabikerchick
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 11:20pm
As much as I used to dream about how great it would be if he suddenly came to his senses, and came crawling back to me, we would work things out, and it would be great from there on out...I woke up and realized that life doesn't work like that when it comes to guys (or most other things for that matter). I know now that things could never be the same as before, I would always have a trust issue with him, no matter how hard he worked to change. He broke my heart for my...well she WAS one of my best friends, he broke it into a million little pieces and he kept a few of those pieces. My heart will never be the same because of him, but little by little I'm picking up the rest of those pieces and moving on, I don't need him coming back into my life and then walking out with more pieces. I know that I'm better off with out him, and that to let us have a second chance would not be smart or healthy for me. But I still do think of what might have been, or think back to how it was, and wish it had never changed. Oh well, I deserve better then he could ever give me! so he's not going to get a second chance with me, no matter what....besides...I think my family and friends would kick my a$$ lol, they saw first hand what a wreck I was during and after the whole situation.





~*~Zsa

  Image hosted by Photobucket.com

 

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 11:26pm
I had a troubled marriage, and my friends and family were supportive. They just want you to be happy, and only people who want to be right rather than want to love you will insist on disapproving of your second try. The most I've ever gotten is a "we want you to be happy, are you sure...." kind of statement, early when I've gotten back with someone, then true friends and family will zip it and let you live your life.

Now, I have wondered, I guess, about whether all these "bumps" in the road really spoil the fairy tale of your romance, to the point where you'd have trouble explaining the course of your relationship to, say, your grandkids ("grandma and grandpa met and fell in love, and then grandpa got addicted to internet porn and grandma and grandpa entered couples counseling...."), but I'd guess that every seemingly happy relationship has had at least one period of intense crisis, which has been weathered (in whatever way, including separation for some period of time), and it's not something that negates the good times and happy stories. I think it's how you spin it - if you think positively, think of it as the both of you loving each other so much and realizing how strong your love was that you fought to be together and survived a trial together rather than just giving up.

Most couples keep these things private after they reconcile, and most people respect that. I remember my friend's crisis when her husband had an affair, but if she decided to take him back, that's good enough for me and it's not my place to question her choices, I spend time with the both of them now that they're happily re-coupled, and have never alluded to their difficulties. If it happens again, I'm sure I'll be there to offer advice and support. The best proof to me that she made the right choice for her is that she seems to be happy now, and that's all I want for her. I have no vested interest in being "right" or smarter or more critical about her choices, I just want to see her happy, and if what she's doing seems to be getting her there, I'm happy to support her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 12:05pm

I'm sure you're deeply hurt right now ... but for what it's worth, I admire you for taking those vows seriously and trying to make it work. I've never been married before (I was just let go by the man I thought I was going to marry) but I know when I do I will take the vows seriously too.

"Without music, life is a journey through the desert"...

"Without music, life is a journey through the desert"...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 2:43pm
Hi

If I felt that I really want to be with my ex again and he felt the same way I would absolutely give us another try. It wouldn´t matter to me what others think because the only thing that matters is that I and him would be happy. He has not done anything why I would not take him back and I have done nothing bad to him- neither have we told anything bad about each other to others so it would be quite easy.. if only we fell in love again..

Katriella

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 3:10pm
My ex- did not cheat on, abuse, or violate me. What he did do was gradually shut me out of his life, confuse, and disappoint me. Since we broke up, I have shared these things, as I've cried on the shoulders of family and friends.

As much as we think we want to be with our ex's again, are we really sure that we can trust them with our hearts AGAIN? This time with other people knowing how much pain that person has caused you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 12:56pm


My EX cheated on me in a very public painful way. It's amazing that sometimes I still think of us getting back together. I have blinders on, only thinking about the good stuff that was there for 7 years, not the bad stuff of the last 4 months. I think the part of me that's really hurt thinks him returning would heal my hurt. But in reality I think him returning would only remind of the hurt every time I'm with him. At least now, without him I'm starting to have periods of time that I don't feel like my guts are being torn out. I just can't imagine letting him back in my life, only to have it happen again..that's devastating. But on the other hand, everybody deserves to make a crazy mistake at some point in their relationships. I think you would have to have alot of faith and strength to try again. I don't know what I'd do. But if I did take him back, my Mom would kick my butt. But ultimately your family and friends just want you to be happy. Only you can decide what makes you happy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2004
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 3:27pm
Although I want to,if I had the chance I will not want a relationship with him anymore, but that doesnt have anything to do with how my friends and family think about that, I dont think that whatever you do in your life you should also have to consider how your friends and family think about it, always do what YOU want and do the best for YOU!

So, the best for me is not to be back together with him again, altough I love the idea of him loving me and always being together, it just wont happen....

I think that counts for a lot of people on this board, dont you?

(there are exeptions, but I do think that once youre at a point that your on this board, its already so far gone wrong........no turning back probably)

Samantha

Pages