Crisis Mode - Please Help!!!
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| Fri, 08-05-2005 - 11:10am |
Hi everyone,
I wrote here a couple of times already. I was with my ex for 8 months. Everything went really fast, we fell in love really quickly, even spoke about things like getting married, getting a home together, taking a trip, the future, etc. He treated me like absolute gold, I thought I found the man of my dreams. I was ecstatic. About 4 months into it, he confided in me (and he says I was the only one he ever trusted enough to tell) that he had been addicted to vicodin for over 2 years and he was about to go to the dr to get off the pills because he wanted to be honest and he said he saw a future for us. Things only went downhill from there. To make a very very long story short, he stopped being intimate with me right about then and that part of the relationship never came back. Then he hit me with the "let's just be friends" thing. I couldn't believe it. After everything I went through with him, he said the title was putting pressure on him. Fast forward to now. I've been trying to do it his way, but I just can't be friends. I have boyfriend/girlfriend feelings for him that I can't just turn on and off like a light and I told him that. He's pretty much clean now, and he's a TOTALLY different person. He doesn't seem to care about me at all. We fight all the time, where we never fought before. He treated me totally different now. He's not nice anymore. He never calls when he says he will, he never has time to get together, nothing. He just made it clear that he didn't want a relationship with me anymore and it's just so hard for me to understand. Well, it all came to a head last night. We had a fight on the phone and I hung up on him. I called him back because I felt bad and didn't want to end things like that, and I went to his house. I know it was the wrong thing to do and I shouldn't have done it, but I did. He got upset and said I was scaring him. He said we're 2 different people and he's not as intense as I am and that he has to be honest but he's not going to call me anymore. Then he said "we'll talk, but you need to get over me". I understand that I need to forget him, but now I just feel so stupid for making a fool out of myself and not just leaving gracefully. Why does love make us do such crazy things sometimes? I feel horrible and I know I can't call or email and i'll probably never talk to him again. This is consuming my thoughts all the time, i'm depressed over it, and I just got a new job that I started this week and I can't let it ruin my new opportunity. Please help!!!

Hi Jacki, I've bumped up the post on thought-stopping. That will help you get through the days at your new job. Basically, you just refuse to let yourself dwell on it while you're at work...tell yourself you'll think about it LATER, during the time you set aside (the post discusses the specifics).
As for feeling like a fool, we've all done things we regret...the key is to accept that what's done is done, forgive yourself, and move on. If there's a lesson to be learned for the future, make a mental note, but otherwise let it go.
Sheri
Hi Jacki,
Most of us have acted like fools over exes at some point or another. Sometimes we let the loss get the best of us and it seems like a good thing at the time, but we just have to learn from it and move forward - and the next time you feel the urge, try to remember the regret that followed and that should help ease you away from those thoughts and actions.
I am a fan of talking to someone - either a friend or a professional or even your family members. Emotions like these are pretty high tensioned, so sometimes a professional is a good idea. There isn't anything wrong with it (unless you're a scientologist) and needing help to get through a difficult time is something alot of people go through.
Good luck and I hope you feel better:)
hey there,
i typed out a huge long reply and then somehow, it didn't post, but i still wanted to contribute and lend my listening ear, so here i am :)
anyways... i am very sorry to hear about your situation. in many ways, it is similar to mine (if you care to read my post). years ago, i was involved in a similar situation where i pursued the girl because I needed closure and answers - and I never got them. this time, in my current situation, i am able to deal with it a little differently and thus i have been able (so far) to hold out from contacting her. but i know exactly what you're going through. some might say that what you did (in contacting him again) was not the "right move", but frankly, I hate the games people play when it comes to relationships. I believe in full and honest communication - not only does it promote a healthy relationship but it also benefits you in that you don't have to supress feelings and thoughts that you'd rather have out in the open, which can be quite detrimental to the relationship and to your own emotional health. Some people prefer to keep things inside, to prevent themselves from being hurt, and so on... but I choose to deal with things differently, for the most part.
Regardless... I am afraid to say that you may not get the closure or answers you need from him. However, that doesn't mean that you can't get the closure and answers you need from yourself, which are just as important. Even if you never hear from him again, you have to try and make sense of your situation as best as you can, so that you are satisfied with the closure you give yourself, without driving yourself crazy thinking about the what ifs and whatever he may be thinking/feeling (which is impossible to know unless you are inside his head). It is difficult and sometimes it may feel unjustifiable, but it is important to take what you can from the situation, including what you can give to yourself. And please, I hope this unfortunate situation does not break your heart so badly that you never open yourself to happiness or love again. You would be missing out on the things you deserve most deeply. In the words of Bon Jovi, "You gotta keep the faith". :)
All the best :) xoxo