At a Crossroads...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2005
At a Crossroads...
5
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 12:56pm

Hi Everyone,

I need some feedback, please.

My ex and I broke up about two months ago after a six year relationship. We had NC for almost 7 weeks, then I emailed him about something he owed me. He ended up bringing it to me, we kissed, talked, etc. and it was really nice. A week after that, we went to church together and spent more time together. He told me that he sees his faults that I told him about and is trying to correct them. He wants to get married and have a family and wants to make amends with me but doens't want to rush back into getting back together.
I explained that we need more time apart to work on ourselver, personal growth time. Well, we arranged that we would speak again in two weeks. But he sent me many texts in between that telling me how he loves and misses me. I responded to them, telling him the same. It got to the point where we were communicating via texts or emails and sometimes over the phone about every other day.

Something in my just didn't feel right about this. I felt like things were moving too quickly, and I don't want to get sucked back into the relationship that we had b/c we were both unhappy. I felt like the emotional bond was being restablished. I don't want to go back to something b/c of the security and fear of being alone. I told him yesterday that we should not meet up for coffee like we were going to, and that we should have two weeks now of real NC. He was hurt but understood.

I guess I'm confused because there is so much work I want to do on myself, and I don't want to feel rushed, and I don't want to go back to how things were, and I don't want either one of us to get hurt. We both love each other, and it seems like we both have some sort of hope that things might be able to work. I just feel that more time is needed to forget the hurt of the past and build new behaviors and be more of my own person. These are not things that will happen overnight. THey take time. Yet, I'm afraid that if too much time passes, he will get impatient or find someone else. I don't know, this is so confusing. I almost wish we had not reconnected until the time had passes and we had gotten more personal work done, but that's not how life goes.

I don't even know if we would be successful at a new relationship. He seems to be working on those "faults" and I'm just tring to work on mine. I don't know how long it will take though. How do you keep things going yet maintain the distance to be able to work on yourself? It's such a hard juggling game. Sometimes I feel like it would be easier to just be alone and start over with someone new who I don't share the negative history with, but then I think, that just means I need more time. He really is a great guy, sensitive, caring, etc, he just needed to work on being more responsible in certain areas, and I need to let go of the anger that this caused me, and it affected our chemistry together, if you know what I mean!

Sorry for the long messge, advice please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 2:42pm

<< How do you keep things going yet maintain the distance to be able to work on yourself?>>

Unfortunately, you don't keep things going. You maintain the distance to work on yourself, and hopefully, the other person is doing the same. The "keeping things going" is what keeps you holding on, rather than moving on.

<< Yet, I'm afraid that if too much time passes, he will get impatient or find someone else. >>

That fear is exactly what is keeping you in the "keeping things" going phase. Pushing thru the fear is allowing yourself to move forward, regardless of what he's doing or not doing. And, yes, it's darn hard! If he gets impatient and finds someone else, well ... that could happen. But, thing is ... he will be taking whatever he needs to work on, about himself, into that relationship ... so, you can see how that probably wouldn't work either. But, with that, it's not going to be your problem. Nor, is it truly your problem now ... his issues are his, yours are yours ... and what you know is that, only if BOTH of you are working on those things, will you have any chance at a successful relationship in the future ... whether it's with each other or other people.

Detachment is hard. It doesn't mean you stop caring, it simply means that you START caring more about YOU ... with less involvment in the other person's issues. Letting go means letting go of the outcome ... you give the other person back to themselves, their problems back to them ... so that you can focus on yours. If you can do that successfully, and if he does too, then ... you've got a shot. But, that can only happen if you focus on you and not him and vice-versa.

Good luck, hang in there!!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 2:58pm

I don't think it works to be in this ambiguous zone you're in. You need to be either in the relationship and working things out *together*, or not in the relationship and working things out alone. It's too confusing to be in the twilight zone where you are.

You say that's not how life goes (as far as when you reconnected) but that's not really true. You had and continue to have a choice of being in contact with him, or not. I think the two weeks of NC is a good start but a better solution would be to cut off contact indefinitely and let him know you will get in touch when you are able to make a commitment to your relationship and see if he is ready to do the same. But neither of you should be waiting around for the other in the meantime.

If it's meant to be, it will happen in its own time. If not, then you weren't right for each other.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 5:34pm

I totally agree with this from Sheri

"You need to be either in the relationship and working things out *together*, or not in the relationship and working things out alone."

Doesn't sound like you are both willing to work on yourselves while in a relationship together. It is tempting to fall back in to old patterns, put off what you want to work on if you are back together.

What kinds of things are you doing to work on yourself? What is he doing? Are either of you in counseling?




Edited 12/11/2005 5:53 pm ET by itwinflame


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2005
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 6:20pm

We had tried to work things out together many times before, and yes, we had been in couples counseling numerous times. I think this breakup needed to happen for him to realize certain things that I was telling him were problems. To break the cycle that we were in. And for me to learn how to stand on my own two feet. I guess sometimes not being with someone makes you take a good look at yourself. I continue to be in counseling right now. I agree that being in a relationship can make it easier to put off self-work, which is why I wanted to detach from things for a while.

He is using this time to introspect and take a good look at the things that I said were problems. He said he didn't believe they were problems when we were together. It was easy to blame me for things. But now he sees and knows that he needs to work on some things. He has purchased some self-help books and is following suggestions and is open to counseling.

I am in counseling and doing the things that I need to do for my own self-growth.

I see what you are saying, but I'm not sure that breaking contact indefinitely is the best solution. People say if it's meant to be, it will be. But sometimes, if you let something go, it might be too late later. This is a 6-year relationship, that's a big investment. I definitely don't think frequent contact is a good idea. Enough space so that we are focusing on ourselves but I'm not sure that breaking contact indefinitely is the best way to go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 6:56pm

Personally, for you, I'd say that letting go of the idea that you'll get back together would be a powerful thing. For you. Letting go truly is letting go of the outcome. That said, you can probably infer that I'm not a huge believer in "if it's meant to be, it will be" ... in my world, that's a cop-out for not making choices. And, at the end of the day, life is all about choices. It's not about "meant to be" ... because, things will only BE as a result of sound, solid choices.

As for him, << He said he didn't believe they were problems when we were together. It was easy to blame me for things. >>

Self-introspection is a wonderful thing! BUT ... If he's focusing on the problems he had, as a result of your dynamic, as a couple ... that's not gonna change a gosh darn thing within him. He needs to figure out his problem ... not just his problem WITH you as a couple. If it was easy to blame you for things ... is he now taking accountability for those things as an individual? Or, is there no one left to blame, therefore, no problem? See what I mean? My concern is that, if he doesn't have someone to point his finger at, if his object of projection isn't around ... is he truly working on things? I do hope that he is, by taking blame out of the equation, and focusing on his personal responsiblity to himself.

But, who knows if he's doing that or not. The only way you'll truly know is if you guys do get back together and see if the dynamic has changed. All you CAN know is that YOU are doing what you need to do for you. Letting go means letting go of the outcome and giving HIM back to HIM.