Crushed...and Need Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Crushed...and Need Advice
4
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 12:23am

Hey Guys,

I REALLLYYY need some help here!

My boyfriend broke up with me about a month ago. It was devestating. I knew something was up, but not a break up. We had been doing our own thing more. We weren't having fun anymore. But I just thought it was a rocky stage, and we would work it out. But no. He told me he didn't love me anymore. We both held each other and balled and balled for seriously about 1-2 hours (this I don't understand since he said he didn't love me). We had been living together for almost a year, while before we had a long distance relationship for 6 months. I just thought to myself "this isn't happening; this doesn't make any sense!; how does he not love me anymore?!" All this time, we had been talking about marriage, kids, how we're so lucky that we found each other. When I asked him what the reason was, he told me he couldn't pin point it (so annoying!). I knew he always worried about me whenever I went out drinking (not that often) bc I would come home drunk and honestly be a little crazy (crying, throwing things, laughing hysterically). So when I asked him if it was bc of that, he said "no, that's not something to break up with someone for." He was always worried for me. But I thought it wasn't that big of a deal.

Since both our names are on the lease, and we only had 3 more months remaining, we decided that I could stay in the apartment and he would move back into his parents house (closer commute to work for him). On the weekends, I told him that whenever I leave he could stay in our apartment. However, whenever I come back, he's there, and since I'm still emotionally attached, I don't kick him out. This is when I see him.

Other than that, sometimes he texts me when something happens to him that's sad or funny. So this makes me do the same. When we're together we act like nothing has happened and we're back acting like we're in love again like in the beginning. When ever someone calls each other to explain what time they're heading to the apartment, or to tell a story, we act like nothing has happened either. We laugh, tell jokes, flirt with each other, etc. He has already emailed me that he can't imagine me not in his life, that he's addicted to me, and that he thinks this is the best thing for us. He also wrote me a story about how his co-worker told him her story of how she broke up with her husband while they were dating to see that they were perfect for each other, and that is how he can explain this whole thing.

I MEAN!!!!! I AM SO CONFUSED!!! I have told him TWICE already that I want to move on and I can't be in this middle area anymore bc it hurts me! But then he texts me, or I get drunk and dial him! I know not to do this at all, but it's just so HARD!!! I thought he was the one for me. He is everything that I wanted in a guy. He says that we make a great team. Then why doesn't he want me back???!!!

Please help... THANK YOU!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2007
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 10:13am


Hi there

So sorry you are going through this. Your ex seems to be very confused about what he wants and is continuing to cling on to you which is why its being so more difficult for you to let go. You need to tell him bluntly that you cant handle communication right now because it is just setting yourself up for more hurt and pain. He has made a decison therefore its only fair to leave you to collect your thoughts without giving you false hope.

The only way he will know for sure its really what he wants is to have some time apart.
NC is hell at first but i promise you each day gets a little easier because you just get used to not hearing from each other.

I know what you are going through when things seem great and suddenly fall apart. Its normal to have these angry thoughts. Try and turn all your attention onto yourself for now and try not to worry about what he is feeling, he will come to you when hes ready.

Take care x

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 3:18pm

Hi Never Hurt So Much,

Thank you for your advice! I think you're right about not having any contact with him for a while bc it's the only way he'll see what he's missing, and more importantly, it gives me the go ahead on moving on.

I read your blog, and I just wanted to say I'm sorry for your situation too. I just don't get how guys can act like they don't care anymore like a week later after the break up! However, I think that's more of a guy thing bc they are socialized to not be so sensitive. I think that he still feels love for you, but obviously he wouldn't break up with you for no reason either. I don't know what his reasoning was, but I feel that basically people break up with people bc they're not having fun anymore. I still don't know what my bf's reasoning is, but deep down I know he just needed me out of his life. I think your guy, as well as mine, need time to think about things, but if they don't come back to us, then hey, it's their loss. There's plenty of fish in the sea!!!:)

Take care!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 3:53pm

Hi There,

I'm sorry for what your dealing with - I KNOW how hard it is cuz we are all here going through the same thing. OK, so here's the tough part - listening to comments from others. They aren't always what you want to hear BUT you must take the good with the bad! Can I tell you what I picked up on out of your post? OK...please don't take offense- I'm just calling it like I read it? What is it with the Alcohol? From what I see...
YOU + ALCOHOL = A BAD COMBO? You mentioned 3 different things relating to it

First: you asked him if it was because of your drinking - he worried a lot about you?(So this must be a bigger issue than you realize to question it causing your breakup?)

Second: you said "he always worried about me whenever I went out drinking (not that often) bc I would come home drunk and honestly be a little crazy (crying, throwing things, laughing hysterically)."

Third: "It's hard when I get Drunk & Dial him"

If you behave THIS erratic when drinking (crying, next throwing things, then hysterically laughing) then you need to re-think drinking to begin with? That's just not a healthy way to react with it? It may not agree with you OR your doing it to the point it's excessive and makes you act that way - it appears you can't handle your alcohol?
I suggest No Contact for you & him - let the split be a split...and stay away from the apt. or when he is there, walk out & tell him you'll be back at (give him a time) and ask him not to be there? In the meantime - You need to lay off drinking because it doesn't seem to agree with you AND it will make you more upset & depressed during this. However, IF you do go out - SURRENDER your phone to your friends, and do NOT let them give it back to you until your sober!
Sorry if you find this very critical - but I'm pulling out the info I got from your own words? I haven't always received positive responses but sometimes it makes you SEE what your doing for yourself? Good Luck to you & this board helps alot!
HUGS, Sweetie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2007
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 5:16pm

your welcome!

Me and my guy are in our early 20's, he says he still loves me and my company but feels we have grown apart recently (in like a 2 week period?!) and he wants be be single and do his own thing. I find it hard to beleive he has been stringing me along for a while because he always seemed to be craving my company. I had studying to do and didnt have as much time to spend with him as id like, he would complain about this- but then began to go clubbing every weekend when i would be free to see him! that was his choice so i didnt like to made to feel guilty about my own commitments.

Ive never been a needy type of person, if anything he was more needy than i was.

Tsk i dunno... Id love us to get back together coz i feel its such a waste but if he can throw everything away at the drop of a hat maybe i shouldnt be so bothered..

hugs