to cut all ties or "take a step back"
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 07-20-2007 - 5:51pm |
I'm not sure what to do. My boyfriend of 10 months and I broke up recently. We have been living together for a few months. I have decided to leave becuase we have some very basic issues such as: we're from different cultures, different religions, our families dont really approve, and all of this has caused us to fight all the time. We both have a temper but recently he has become very controlling and his temper flares very easily over silly things. Nothing I do is right anymore and I'm sick of walking on eggshells.
He says that me leaving (i took some but not all of my stuff) made him realize how much he loves me, yada yada yada. He wants to work on things and thinks that if we committ to treating one another better, other issues will resolve themselves.
I want to cut ties. But whats stopping me is this intense feeling of loneliness. I'm totally petrified of not having anything to do at night and being alone.
Should I give the relationship a chance (not move back, but maybe date) or just end things and focus on filling my life with otehr stuff. I think I already know what the answer is, I just need some support.
Thanks~

Hi and welcome,
Go ahead and stay moved out, focus on yourself for a good long while, get some activities and a new routine going, some stuff you enjoy on your own. It's time you focused on yourself. He can earn you back just like in the beginning if it's meant to be, the time apart will be good for him and for you. The space will give you time to look at things objectively, and deal with the issues without being right in the middle of them, if that makes sense.
The thing that gives me pause is your fear of loneliness, in which case some time alone would actually be **very** good for you. It'll show you you can power through that fear. You must learn to love your own company before you can love anyone else's or anyone else can love yours.
This sentence: ....."Should I give the relationship a chance (not move back, but maybe date) or just end things and focus on filling my life with otehr stuff."..... gives me the impresssion that maybe you focus just a little *too* much on your relationship and don't cultivate your own interests while you're in said relationship. Big huge no-no if you're doing that. Why? Because it's not giving you an outlet for some energy, some frustration, some creativity and eventually your relationship stagnates or stresses.
Here's the deal, absolutely if two peple are going to work through problems they must commit to treating one another with patience and kindness, and the respect must be there, but that doesn't mean issues resolve themselves. You have to actively acknowledge and work at them.
Figure out in your own heart if you truly love this man AND if the basic framework of this relationship is a good one for *you*, enough to try a new way of interacting, because *obviously* whatever you were doing before wasn't working, correct? If you decide this is ultimately not the relationship for you, it's still a really good idea to get your own life looking and feeling good again for yourself.
Best,