cut my last shred of hope - HELP.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
cut my last shred of hope - HELP.
8
Sun, 04-03-2005 - 12:10am

im having a breakdown right now. tears are just flowing uncontrollably and im losing grip. im having a complete meltdown ... help.

i dont even know what to write, or even where to start...

as my other posts explain - my ex and i broke up about 2.5 weeks ago and this will be our second breakup. we started to reunite back in january, and everything had been amazing. we see each other almost every day, and he was sooo cute with the little things hed do to show me he cared. i was afraid to be so happy, but despite my reservations - i really was back on cloud 9. then, two mondays ago, i snapped and confronted him and then two days later - he told me that he was reminded of why we broke up in the first place. a week after that, he messagd my best friend and told her how i make him happy but that he "just cant convince himself that it'll work." two days later, he messaged me and pretty much said the same thing. he quotes: "i dont want to be without you, i like us being together and i care so much about you. i just cant seem to make myself say yes to our relationship. you may be able to jump into our relationship, and all the power to you - but i cant, i need to think. i need time." and that was that.

now, for the last two weeks ive not only been battling my despair - but really struggling between knowing if i should just let go for good or if i should continue to cling onto hope. but in the last few days ive come to realize that it just doesnt matter. i know he cares about me - i realllly do ... and hec, his fear excuse is very plausible - but at the end of the day, it just doesnt matter...its over, im not with him, and thats all i need to know?? :(

so i then decided that i need to try my best to move on, and so i have tried .. really hard. ive trid to let go of my little pieces of hope and do the little things that really mean that its over and done with. and i decided that i needed to get my stuff back, give him his - and start to completely cut him out .. no little pieces of him lying around my room anymore.

now, last week - the day after him and i had our emotional conversation - i had told him that i wanted to pick up my stuff and he agreed. however, that failed - he didnt call me on time like he was supposed to. in the message he left me that night, he asked for me to call him the next day - and so i did. we spoke, but since he was on his way to breakfast, he said: "ill call you later" - but he never did. so, yesterday - i text msged him: "hey, how are you? sorry to be a pest, but id really like to exchange our stuff. im working til 8 tonight and til 3 tomorrow - let me know." but he never wrote me back.

and that REALLY irked me. i have NOOO idea why he was being like that - but it felt to me as though he was avoiding having to exchange our items. and that makes absolutely no sense since he does NOT have any problems exchanging belongings with his exes. aside from all the other exchanges he has had to do in his last 27 years of life - but last year when we first broke up, he had my stuff all ready for me in a plastic grocery bag within SIX days of our breakup!! so what the hell was his problem now!??!

it was realllly frustrating me yesterday and i didnt know what to make of it. a part of me felt as though he was seriously trying to get rid of me by fully ignoring me and never returning my items. but i have trouble believing that since i know that he is not like that. so that led me to the possibility that he was trying to avoid giving me my stuff back because he wasnt ready to say goodbye?? and going with that possibility - i felt irked because not only was he making something already difficult for me THAT much more painful - but it almost gave me hope...hope that he isnt ready to fully end our relationship?? and while that made me almost relieved, at the same time, it made me feel like he was letting me go but just not letting me go far...and i was very frustrated at that!

well, after a long night of mental debate - i decided to call him today - and i did. i called his house # instead of his cell. he picked up, and we did the usual "hi and how are you" to each other. he then said: "i got your msg the other day, sorry i didnt get around to messaging you back." ARGH. so i just said "thats fine, since youre home now - ill be over in 20 mins to pick up my stuff." and so i went over ..

well, i was a nervous wreck going over - and when i saw him, i thought i was gonna vomit. right away, he goes: "nice hair" - i had just gotten in redone and while it made me pleased to hear him compliment me, at the same time - i just wanted to crumble in tears... but i stayed strong. we gave each other our items, but when i gave him the mp3 player he had given me he asked why, and i said: "theres no point." and he insisted that i take it, and i just kept saying: "theres no point." we then stood there and chit-chatted. at one point, he says: "Im hungry right now" and i wanted to smack him. i should know on a concious level that his statement meant no sort of an invitation, but i nonetheless wanted to scream at him because i knew that this time around we wouldnt be making dinner together. so instead, i said: "go pick up something quick for yourself." then, near the end of our conversation - he said: "are you sure you dont want my mp3 player? you should have it." and i said: "theres no point, it doesnt have the same meaning anymore." and i ended up turning around to leave, and just as he said goodbye, i closed the door behind me...

i got into my car and started driving with tears just flushing down my face. i broke apart. i met up with a guy friend of mine and spent the rest of the day hanging with him .. i started to feel better but now that i just got home, im breaking down again. plus, ive had a bad day on top of my ex crap, and i just got into a huge argument with my mother as well. im losing it right now... im sooooo upset... i cant stop bawling...

a part of me still hopes. i still dont know what to think. in my head i still replay how happy we were just the day before we broke up. in my head - i still think of how the last time i saw him was when i went over to his folks for dinner and he was soo pleased that i finally sat down with them. i keep replaying in my head how we spent (our last) saturday together and how he made me earrings that day. i keep seeing the last text message he sent me and how it was sooo sweet that i had to pull over to the side of the road to write him back - it just couldnt wait til i got home. and literally, out of nowhere - we broke up.

i just dont get it. i reallllly dont. last year, when we broke up - we had been fighting a lot - so our end almost made sense. however, this time around - we've been doing sooo well. how does he end things just because hes afraid that we wont work out??? how can he not convince himself to try it with me when he laughs sooo much with me??

i think today is a huge blow to me because by me taking charge of getting my items back - i just cut of my last shred of hope. ive just proactively taken a huge step in my decision to move on. i think thats what it is. and it hurts soo much to have our breakup reallly slap me in my face. i know everyone will tell me that it will get better, etc etc - i know that because i was once in this same pain last year, and at one point - i stopped dying. but despite so, it STILL hurts right now... SOOOOOO badly. i miss him sooo much - i want to just call him and tell him that right now. someone stop me, please :( ...

i really dont know what kind of response im expecting to get back - but any comment or insight would be much appreciated. im just in such a crappy place right now, and im breaking down. im having a really bad day, and all i want is his hug to make it better. and the fact that its not there - is making me that much more upset. it is saturday night right now, and its the 3rd saturday that i have spent without him now. i miss us cooking dinner together and just lying there watching a movie.

help me.
eeksj

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2005
Sun, 04-03-2005 - 5:12pm

Stop! Don't call him!

You deserve a guy who knows how great it is to be with you. And he's made it clear that is NOT him.

I'm not saying you have to move-on today. Or even stop missing him. Just DON'T give yourself false hope and make it worse by calling him.

I say this out of love (well, that, and you said for someone to stop you)!

Please, take good care of yourself!

~S

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2005
Sun, 04-03-2005 - 5:45pm
eeks, don't call. HIDE THE PHONE. All weekend if you have to. Or call a friend of yours instead if you need to talk to someone. It's lonely, but your friends are there for you and they will make you feel all loved and good again. (Seriously, see my 'mixed message' thread's latest if you haven't.)
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 9:58am

I've been in your shoes before. Back in November my ex had snapped and we broke up, in a very ugly fashion and very suddenly after being together for a year. That was our 2nd breakup and there weren't real signs he was about to snap the way he did.

I have to relate because he avoided exchanging things for about a week and I was confused and actually thought it meant he regretted how he acted. You know what? I was RIGHT. He did regret it and he did feel bad and he did feel mixed up about us. And what else? We started seeing eachother very casuaully for months after, two or three times a week and he kept telling me how much he loved me and how one day he wanted to make me his wife, etc. etc.

It was all very full with mixed signals and took me through the ringer so badly that I didn't know if I was coming or going. It wasn't ab out me AT ALL. This was all about him. WHAT YOU ARE GOING through soun ds like it is all about him. He knows you are 100% about him and that isn't the issue at all. He is NOT 100% about you, regardless of great times and tender moments.

Its a horrible feeling to be in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way back and convincing yourself that he is goin g through a bad time, or immature, or confused but that he really does want you wont satisfy you for too long before you are settling for less than what you deserve and that is care, respect, and security.

My ex and I continued like that until February and finally, after a horrible blowout instigated by him, we got back together - FOR 1 MONTH, before he said it was all a mistake and not right - again a complete surprise considering the time and tenderness, etc. Its now been 3 weeks with no contact at all and alhtough I'm lonely, I feel free from his "wrath." I deserve to be loved the way I loved him and at the VERY LEAST, repected.

None of this is possible until you decide to let go of him. I couldn't let go before and allowed myself to be at my ex's beck and call just to be wround him.

I'M SURE YOU BF PROBABLY WANTS TO THINK HE WANTS YOU AND MAY SUSTAIN CONTACT, ETC. FOR A LITTLE BUT NONE OF WHAT YOU WROTE ARE GOOD SIGNS. Please be careful because this is very disrespectful behavior and self-centered on his part.

All my very best,
isa

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 5:00pm

Another comment if I am,

Sometimes there is absolutely no answer, but to say that "everything was great" probably isn't accurate. Look carefully, were they great for you, for him, or was it great for the two of you?

Its so frestrating, I so so so so know, but let him go because he sounds like although he cares for you he isn't the guy FOR YOU!

You will always remember the good times together. I think about my ex everyday but it does get better every day - it is barable. I've been working out a lot, spending time with my friends, and just plain doing things to empower myself.

And what else? I dont even want to bump into him or for him to "by accident" run into me or call me, etc. I feel stronger without that and one day you will too.

Your situation sounds similar to mine, as I just posted. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 10:37pm
Whatever you do...DON'T CALL HIM!!!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 1:03am

hi,

first and foremost - thank you everyone for your replies.. its 1) nice to know you took your time to read and respond to my post, and 2) i thank you for your insight and opinion!

see, i know that i just have to accept that its OVER. i realized this a couple days ago, and thats why i decided to get my belongings back asap .. me doing that, was symbollic for me proactively taken a step towards my moving on. but still, i cant help but sit here and hope and analyze even though i KNOW i shouldnt. i mean, truth is, despite all rhyme or reason - its DONE with, and thats really all i need to know??

i fully understand that sometimes thigns may not be as glorious as they may appear on the front, and what made one happy may not be the case for the other, etc etc.. but, i truly do believe in how happy he was with me and how much he does care.. im not a delusioned woman who refuses to see the truth and be hit hard with reality - but honestly, its kinda this understanding and intuition that i do trust...

and because of that, there are moments (and sometimes plenty) when my heart starts thinking.. "maybe he realy is scared and just needs time to think?? he said to me two weeks ago when he messaged me, 'i need to find the root of my fear and understand why i withdraw from people so that i can be worthy of our relationship.' ... maybe he meant that??"

but then, my head jumps in and i say to myself: "maybe he just doesnt love me ENOUGH. maybe, he doesnt even know why - but something tells him that its just not 'it.' " i remind myself that "its been 19 days since we've broken up and nothings really changed. furthermore, whatever issue he may really have - him sitting there in his room playing computer games (which is apparently his new found past time) isnt going to change anything."

its an exhausting battle... i know i have to release my hope.. and im working on it... my heart just wishes i didnt have to... :(

*sigh*
eeksj

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 9:21am

I know exactly how you feel - not wantng to let go of that hope. Especially because you know he does care and love you. However, part of really and truly loving someone is not wavering such that someone is kept lingering.

Listen, he has thought about this. He has considered that a possible reaction you would have would be to never speak or see him again, or to begin dating someone fast. He was prepared for that risk the second the words/actions of breakup came about. Consider this please because it is easy to convince yourself that the signs of his mixed signals and fears and confuson are all positive toward you ad him as "meant to be together." But the bitter truth is he was ready to risk totally and completely losing you the second he decided to break it off, regardless of whatever "fears" he speaks of.

My guess is that all this emotional talk on his part is his way of slowly getting you out of his system gently such that he isn't right away ALONE. I've so been there and gone through that and you know what???? It WILL last until he is ready to let it go. He doesn't want you the way you want him, but he does care for you and share the same happy memories, just something about you "two" isn't what he wants in a relationship. Thats ok, do you really want this?

I have some suggestions from experience. FIRST, create complete distance! This is a must which I did not do because in truth, I believed that if I did I would lose him - I lost him anyway. If you create the distance then this will give you real time to reflect and give HIM TIME TO THINK AND MISS YOU. Do it and explore your friends and think about what would truly make you truly happy in the relationship.

SECOND, dont for one second accept casual contact with him. This will give him a license to keep you at arms length while satisfying your need to be around him and still maintain some sort of contact. THINK!!!! Is that the type of reltaionship you want???

I totally know what your heart is saying to you and know just how hard this is. If you can force yourself to let this go then good for you because it takes a lot of strength to let go of someone you love so much and someone you are used to.

I think about the good memories of my ex a lot but you know what? In retrospect I find he is not the one for me and although I will always consider him a "great love" I am better without him and I will be happy again with someone else more suited to me and so much more respectful of me.

When you truly love and respect someone, you would never do or let anything happen to disrupt it!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 1:19pm

hey,

again, thank you for everyone's replies... :)

i realize that true love shouldnt be questionable... i think to myself that, despite how much i know he cares about me - maybe, it just isnt enough?? or.. maybe, something in his gut just tells him that it wont work out in the end?? maybe, he doesnt even know why - but just knows that this is best for us both?

sheesh - i have no clue really...

this entire breakup has been extremely confusing...the whole thing just doesnt really make all that much sense, and its sooo unlike the first time we broke up last year. i feel like i have a whole new unfamiliar territory in front of me.

maybe he has thought it out prior and was ready to lose me? i dont know. what happened was, .. we had a great week and weekend together, then on the monday - i snapped at him.. i flipped out cause i was emotionally insecure and needed affirmation. and although he was able to honestly give it to me, it freaked him out...by wednesday, he was "reminded of why we broke up in the first place" and now "cant get over his fear." last year when we broke up, we didnt speak for a few days - he thought things through, and when we met, he knew that it was and had to be done. six days later - he had my stuff ready for me in a plastic bag, and was already emotionally ready to be just friends. this time though, our ending came about abruptly (and i still partly blame myself for confronting him like that that night) and he isnt so positive and is, like he said: "in the middle and doesnt know the solution." furthermore, he doesnt seem to be ready to talk with me nor was he willing to easily give me my belongings back ...

given all that, i suddenly cant seem to understand what it is that he feels and what it is that i should do?? but, like ive also said - i guess it just doesnt matter. i know he cares a lot about me, i know i make him happy, and i can even understand his reservations...but despite all that, we're over...done with ...finsihed. thats all i need to think about - and im trying to remind myself of this!!!

its just so hard, you know? when your head tells you to do this, and your heart just wishes you didnt have to...

ive been soo sad, thats all ... i miss him sooooooo much. i seriously just ache to speak with him. and i long with all my heart for him to reach out to me. my head keeps replaying all the ways we were just days before our breakup... i remember how he hugs me out of nowhere, how we sniff each other's faces in the middle of the grocery store while waiting to get our ham shaved (i know, it sounds stupid), i remember how he wanted to go on a little trip with me, i remember how he text messages me throughout the day, i remember how he told me that his heart smiles when he sees me drive to pick him up, i remember how he told me that he keeps eating my cinnamon hearts at work cause he knows theyre from me even though they made his mouth all red ... and when im in those thoughts, its just sooo hard to grasp all common sense...

thanks for your support though - it reallly does help :)

*sigh*
eeksj