Cut my losses?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Cut my losses?
4
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 12:52pm

Here is my story for now. Thanks anyone for your input.

We're both 27, been together for 2+ years, broken up twice. The first breakup was 3 months after we started dating. I had a life-altering trip to Africa, and just needed some time to myself. He was clingy, so I broke things off. We got back together 3 months later and dated for a year and a half until this February. I broke things off again because of a lot of problems we were having. I felt like he wasn't truly interested in me. I felt like he didn't respect me. I didn't feel appreciated. We broke up for 3 weeks, and I missed him SO much that we got back together. I didn't know if anything had changed, but I really truly missed being with HIM... it wasn't because I was lonely. I had already been asked out by several guys. He's just the one person who I feel complements me.

Well, since we've gotten back together, I feel like nothing has changed with our dynamic. Shoulda known, right? We try to work things out, but we're terrible at fighting. He still lacks respect for me, and I still feel like our relationship is missing some very large pieces to the puzzle. So you can get an idea of what the relationship is like, here are some examples. I think the most important part to remember is that between all the bad, there is good... I'm just wondering where to draw the line. I seem to always draw the line of "if this continues, I'm going to break things off" but I always end up re-drawing the line because I'm afraid of losing the one relationship that I've had a desire to sustain, the one person with whom I actually share a bond. The question I keep asking myself is "can I live without him?"

- Wednesday we argued about the fact that he has NO IDEA what I do for a living. Regardless of the fact that we've been dating for two years, he's seen me get my masters degree and hold my current job for a year. He has absolutely no idea what I do, yet I'm constantly giving him advice about his job.

- He just bought a new house (no, we don't live together). I have spent at least a month helping him do renovations (think every weekend I spend all day Sunday doing some sort of work). His response? "Thanks babe"... maybe every once in a while he'll buy me dinner.

- Since the new house purchase, he's nickle and dimed me to death. Of course he's strapped for cash because the house is expensive, but he makes three times more than I do, and yet I seem to be paying more and more often (nights out on the town, dinner, etc). However, he's more than generous with others. This past weekend, he bought several rounds of shots to celebrate one of my friends weddings (he didn't buy me a shot though), and then complained to me about how expensive the bar bill was! I'm sure my ONE draft beer was probably putting him over the limit big time. This happens time and time again.

- In fact, on Thursday he and I stopped at a salad bar for dinner. The check was $18. I had taken him out the night before (for his birthday) for a $70 dinner, AND I bought a keg the weekend before for his birthday party... When we get to the cashier to pay for the $18 worth of salad and sodas, he looks at me to pay for it. When I asked him to please pay for it, he makes a comment to me, "so is this what you consider me showing appreciation for you?" and begrudgingly paid the $18. Later, he describes this comment as "a joke" and of couse "I'm being too sensitive."

- This past weekend (I was in a friend's wedding at the beach) he ends up admitting that "he isn't sure if we're marraige material, but everything is cool for now". Why does he admit all of this? Because I got sick from a bad hamburger on Saturday night. Laid down in the bed very early. When he came to check on me, he wanted to know if we could have sex. (This is another one of our big problems). When I say 'no', he pitches a drunk fit. This was one of the things he said to me during that fit.

- The next night after the wedding, he more than apologizes so that we can finally 'hook up'. *Sigh*

- Our car ride home yesterday was awful. He stared out the window for 5 1/2 hours. I ended up listening to a lot of talk radio. I drove the whole way down there and almost the whole way back. When we were about 1 1/2 hours out of town, I asked if he would drive the rest of the way home because I was so tired. He refused, and I ended up finishing the drive.

So... I figure that's enough examples. And really, those examples reach from Thursday of last week to yesterday. Five days. Seriously. Am I crazy for even sticking around with this guy? I hate to even look back on what I just wrote! Any rational responses would be greatly appreciated, because I seem to have thrown all reason out the window onto the highway somewhere!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
In reply to: faaabulous
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 1:49pm

Please end this relationship now. I really don't understand why you stayed in the relationship this long. Nothing changed after the first time you got back together so how much time do you want to waste? The longer you stay with him the longer it will be before you meet someone who truly deserves you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
In reply to: faaabulous
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 2:33pm

"You have to be the change you want to see in the world."


It seems that every time you break up and get back together, it's becuase you've either hoped or expected him to change HIS ways, when in fact,

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: faaabulous
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 3:22pm

Well... I suppose you got some things correct, and some wrong. I'm not looking to come on here and have everyone respond by bashing my boyfriend, but I certainly didn't expect to have everything turned back on me as if everything was my fault. However, I do appreciate someone playing 'devils advocate' for me so that I could hopefully see his side of the story. A few responses:

- When we fight, he often 'flees'. In that, if I bring up an issue, he "doesn't want to talk about it right now." For example: when we bickered about that $18 check and nasty comment, his response was "I don't want to talk about this. The argument is over." When I continue to push the issue, he comes at me with a plate full of excuses that "it was a joke" "I'm being too sensitive". It was NOT a joke.

- So, his not knowing what I do for a living is because I'm boring? Yes, I've told him what I do. I talk about it often. I listen to him about his job. Why is reciprocation too much to ask?

- Yeah, I work at his house because I want to, because I love him, because I'm interested in doing it (it's what I have my masters degree in after all). I don't do it to necessarily get anything in return, but when I constantly give of myself to him, is it really wrong to hope that he could do something in return for me? When I focus on him everyday all day, and when I talk about myself/my job, he flips on the tv and spaces out or just starts making phone calls.

- I understand his financial situation, but that doesn't give him right to expect me to pay for everything we do. He owns a house, I live in an apartment. He makes three times more money than I do yet continuously calls me out about the price of things. How about all the work I do on his house? Surely that has a price tag. However, he's generous when it comes to buying things for others? He would have had a huge problem had that $50 bar tab been between the two of us, yet he didn't have a problem spending it on others.

- He expected birthday dinner. The keg was my idea. But does that mean that I should have also paid for the $18 salads too?? Where does my financial responsibility end here and his begin? I suppose that since I didn't just take out a house loan (because I can't afford one) that I should just pony up everytime he's hungry. His comment was not an honest question. It was a snide remark.

- Thanks for letting me know that I'm not marriage material. I really don't think that was my question by this post, but I guess the info is useful. I think I'll head into the garden and eat some worms now.

- Wow. He asked for sex when I was puking my guts out from bad beef, and you just say it was bad timing? I think that shows a bit more than just bad timing judgement.

- The reason why we rode home 5 1/2 hours nearly silent wasn't because of pissiness, and some childish response to pissiness. I really think it's because of disinterest. One small kind gesture might have been his taking the wheel for 1 1/2 hours on an 11 hour total trip.

Anyways, thanks for the response.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2007
In reply to: faaabulous
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 6:54pm

Hi,

I don't know much about relationships, but I do know a bit about being in a reltionship with a guy who makes you feel unappreciated. Though my boyfriend's young (17, I'm 18), he can sometimes be ignorant to my feelings.

Not to bash your boyfriend, but I don't think he's that great of a person. Though your story may be biased (mine would be, too), it seems to me that he's using you financially without giving anything, financially or otherwise, back. I understand how frustrating and disheartening that is.

And about his "fleeing" arguments? Maybe he despises and tries to avoid confrontation, but it also seems that he's unwilling to listen to you, unwilling to take your feelings/thoughts into consideration. It seems like he's high on your priority list, and you're low on his. Again, I mildly know how you feel.

From the food poisoning story, he seems, again, to be either completely unaware or uncaring of your situation. I agree with you; that was more that just "bad timing." Sex while battling food poisoning? Hah!

I think you need to seriously re-evaluate this relationship and what it's doing to you. It's not healthy, and you deserve better, at least from your little anecdotes it seems that you do. If what you say is true, breaking it off with your mooch of a boyfriend does indeed sound practical. But what about love is practical? I understand that you love him, which can cloud your judgment (though not entirely, apparently, if you're seeing his faults this sharply).

If I were you, I would break it off, as hard as it may be. I really do sympathize with you. I hope everything goes ok. Please let me know how things turn out, k?

Much luck,

-Linyaari