Cutting ties vs. Being there for him?
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| Thu, 03-22-2007 - 10:11pm |
I've read so many stories on this board over the last month and I'm so glad to know how normal I am. Everyone seems so nice and helpful so this is now my second post in as many days. I could really use some advice.
I know I need to cut contact with my ex ... my decision. He doesn't want it. But i need to for my own sake, especially as he's "hanging out" with another girl and that hurts me like a knife in the heart, given the intensity of our relationship. But I am seriously worried about his emotional, mental, and financial stability (or complete lack thereof). I am afraid he'll hurt himself, or REALLY screw up his life in a way that might be impossible to get out of (drinking and driving for example). If this happens, I want him to be able to feel like he has someone to turn to, as his "friends" aren't really very good friends at all. I do know that as his ex, there is not much I can really do (no, i do NOT give him money). Nonetheless, I want to be available if he needs someone, I love him with all my heart and I don't want him to be alone with his problems. How can I convince myself that it's not my problem anymore ... especially because I still love him? Oh I do love him so much ... it hurts every day.

Hi,
This is a tough situation. You love him. He was part of your life. But you've made a decision, you need to stick to it.
Also, if he's "hanging out" with some new girl, then she should be the one worried not you.
You're not responsible for your ex-partner. You can love someone, you can support them within boundaries, but you're not a parent or social worker. Now you're not his partner anymore so it's just something you'll have to accept and move on.
Being responsible for someone who should be taking care of themselves will only delay your healing and inner peace.
Hi again,
Have you read the book Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie?
Hi,
I agree with the previous poster, you're not a social worker or his parent, it's not up to you to worry that he might ruin his life. I believe in being there for your friends in difficult moments, but when a person is so bad that they might destroy their lives, they need professional help.
Don't live for him, concentrate on YOU. You can still care for him from the distance, like we all care about all these people who are in need but whom we can't help.
Yeah ... i wrote the above post in this thread before the fiasco that was this morning.
I think everyone is right when they say I can care from a distance ... the way things are going right now, he's getting the impression that he can do whatever he wants and I will be there and do things for him. That needs to not be the case. I will always care about him and how he's doing, but it's time for him to realize that I can and will take care of myself first, and if that means cutting ties, then so be it.
Cut the ties you'll be better in the long run. My ex was hanging out with a group of girls and we were still friends. I didn't know them but had suspected there was something going on, this was part of the reason we broke up.
Anyway long story short he started dating one of them and I was devastated. I understand about still being in love with your ex because I still am in love with mine. I haven't talked to him for 3 weeks. I have seen him twice not because I wanted to but because we happened to be in the same place.
Trust me you don't want to be around when he feels like he needs to tell you he is seeing someone else.