Dangerous Idea
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| Tue, 07-04-2006 - 6:34pm |
And Happy 4th to all! Spent the last four days with Mr. Wonderful, and an awful, terrible idea occurred to me. I'm hoping one of you will be able to blast it out of my head before it takes root.
To explain, I will have to digress. Before I had children, I had an alcohol problem. When the kids were born, I quit cold turkey. Didn't drink at all for ten years. When HE came along, we would have one or two before dinner...no problem. In the past few weeks, I have had two MAJOR drunks. Now...no one has to tell me it needs to stop..for myself, for my kids...for the new life that awaits me.
Mr. Wonderful told me this weekend if I don't get ahold of myself, he would have to move on... because he couldn't stand to watch me self-destruct. Understandable. But the awful, terrible thought that occurred to me was ...YES!!! That's my way out! Since I don't seem to have the strength to cut if off with him, I'll start drinking again, and HE will leave ME!! A WAY OUT!!!
I know how dangerous this is...please advise...

Yes, you are self destructing! Do you think that by pushing him away he will love you more? Are you afraid of committing? Drinking is an easy way out (Yep, 1 drink for me tonight). However, I've learned that the opposite of love is fear. It's very possible that you're afraid this will work out and you could get hurt. But you call him Mr. Wonderful. Well darlin', make up your mind. Do you want to be loved - or do you want to be lonely?
I'm lonely tonight.. and I don't have Mr. Wonderful to spend it with. Make your decisions wisely!!
Hi Blackhillsgold,
Do you think the answer to your problem is creating another problem? I don't know what kind of relationship you have with Mr. Wonderful. But it sounds to me like you have trouble facing your demons. Stop making excuses and trying to look like the victim. You want to have your alcohol addiction when he's gone so you can justify your pain and misery.
I'm sorry if I'm coming down hard on you without knowing you. I think the best way to deal with things is by being honest first with yourself and then others. If you're not happy with Mr. Wonderful, you should just say so. Do you think he deserves to be with someone who's secretly plotting to create an excuse so he can realize he deserves better? It sounds like you feel like you don't deserve him.
Start taking responsibility for your actions and start taking control of your life. I've been waiting for years to find someone to save me, but guess what? no one is coming. I have to save myself. You should do the same, especially knowing that you have children. Be good to yourself, love yourself and realize there are people around you who could get hurt. I'm not talking about Mr. Wonderful. I mean your kids. If you're not happy with him, open your mouth and say the words, "I'm not happy, I want out." It's simple, to the point and classier.
I hope my tough love helps you. :)
Good points from you both...honest communication is a little hazy between Mr. Wonderful (which, by the way, I say with tongue in cheek, because obviously things are NOT wonderful). I try to calmly present my point, my feelings, my insecurities, and he somehow manages to turn it around so I feel guilty for even HAVING them. I want more committment, more attention, more of a feeling that I REALLY MATTER...and he would notice if I were gone. His answer to this is to buy me something...a new bed, a car, things for the kids. The reasoning? "Don't I get you everything you need? Doesn't that prove I care?"
Either I am not stating my case very clearly, or he is being deliberately dense. Sometimes I feel like an expensive mistress...buy her something and she'll shut up about feelings...lol. But yet, I hang in there, hoping against hope that something I say or do will strike a nerve. I am losing hope that things will ever progress beyond this point, and I can't seem to bring myself to say the words that will end it. Passive-aggressive drunkeness is a cowards way out...but it is an out.
....."Passive-aggressive drunkeness is a cowards way out...but it is an out"....
Of course it's not his fault...he wouldn't even perceive it that way. He would simply have to leave because he wouldn't be able to handle it. That's the whole point. I suppose I could simply PRETEND to be drinking again, and it would accomplish the same thing.
I don't know why I simply can't say the words that will end it honestly. Really, all I would have to say is, "We get married or we break up." He would leave skid marks. Maybe I want him to do the leaving, so I won't have to wait and worry and wonder when the phone will ring. Sneaky way of skipping over that NC thing.
In my heart of hearts, I know this is as far as this will go. Even if I wanted marriage (which I'm not sure I do), this isn't even an option with him...he's that much of a committment phobe. I guess I just want some kind of acknowledgement that I am THE woman in his life. I don't think I'll even get that. His answer is to buy me something. "Doesn't that prove I care?"
I'm almost 48...IMHO, men can see better than they can think. If I want something permanent and real, I better get moving before my looks go...not that they're not fading already! But I want HIM to make the break...for some reason, I just don't have the strength.