dated neighbor, broke up

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
dated neighbor, broke up
4
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 8:17am


I know you shouldn't date neighbors or co-workers but this time it felt so right,
So, I dated my neighbor for 3 months and felt like he was so right for me.
We were together 24/7 and when we weren't, he called me 5 times a day and I felt so special. Then he dropped me cold turkey and went back to his ex girlfriend.
Not only that, but she moved in with him but has since moved out.

He and this ex have a history of breaking up and problay will again, which is when I hope he'll come back to me. She has moved out, and since he's my neighbor, I can tell when he goes to see her, which hasn't been that often.

What I need help with, is he's my neighbor. It's bad enough to force myslef not to call or email, but i also have to stop looking for his car or plannng to run into him.
He still wants to be friends and I don't know how to do that because I feellike he's
saying that I'm not good enough to be his girlfriend, but I'm still a nice person to be around blah blah.

How do I put him out of my mind when I see his comings and goings every day.
When I don't see his car, I get nuts because he's with her. I keep trying to accidently run into him. I don't want to date other guys right now, because I still want him. I know it was only 3 months, but still we had a good connection. He and the ex/current have something too, but there is something else that makes them break up.

How do I stop obcessing when he's always right under my nose?

Thanks to all who reply.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 8:35am

Yikes, the neighbor situation sounds really uncomfortable ... sending some good thoughts your way! My best advice is to keep as busy as possible, including spending time with friends and meeting/dating other men. I think that is the best way to deal with the jealous/uncomfortable feelings. (Now if I could only take my own advice!).

Good luck to you!
Trish

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 9:08am
Hi, it must be a really uncomfortable situation to deal with. For a behavioral change I believe you should fill up your schedule at times that you know he's around. Try taking a class or meet a group around your town in a topic that may interest you. This way you will not be around when he's out/home and you will be so tired by the time you come home that seeing him will not be a priority in your mind. Now for a deeper attitudinal change you need to focus again in your life, see that happines lies within you, not with this man. You will need to learn to be happy without him or anybody else. Realize that your life is meaningful and full of surprises that do not revolve around your neighbor. When you learn to love yourself, people will just be a part of the orchestra of life, you will not miss one component more than the other, for the orchestra can only play with you. You are most important, learning, realizing and applying this to your life will help you not only in this instance but for the rest of your life. I hope that the pain and uneaseness goes away, doing the behavioral changes will get you through this rough time, applying an attitudinal change will carry on for life. I wish you the best of luck with this situation, God knows that a broken heart needs tender care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 1:03pm

Hello, sorry about the neighbor situation, that will definitely make things more difficult, but not impossible. I think you need to examine why on earth would you WANT to be back with him? Face the hard fact that he USED you for his own gratification while "in-between" episodes with his ex. He gives every indication he will continue this pattern. Do you LIKE the idea of being in a dysfunctional love triangle? Have you considered the consequences of the girlfriend finding out about YOU? Some women would scratch your eyes out or trash your car! Want to court that kind of retaliation?

Yes, I'll bet it was absolute heaven for three months. That seems to be a pretty consistent time period for the "high" in a new relationship...then life happens. I once heard this relationship "high" compared to drugs. It can be an amazing, even life-altering experience. But when you come off the drugs, you now have an addiction to that high. Like a junkie, you start behaving in abnormal, unreasonable ways in order to get your drug back. Even though the voice of reason in your head is sending a clear message to "STOP!", you can't because you're hooked. Even though you know it will be destructive to your life and health, you don't care because you're hooked. This comparison helped me a lot in (mostly)getting over my own cheating live-in boyfriend. As long as I allowed even an occasional phone call, I was allowing another "taste" of my drug back in my life...then I needed it desperately again.

No contact helped immensely...it was kind of like the equivalent of being put in a padded cell with a straight-jacket on. The withdrawal was hell, but I emerged free of my addiction. Yes, this will be more difficult in your situation. Fill up your life with activities you find personally enjoyable, take a class, re-connect with positive friends, concentrate on improving your career. Although it may sound extreme, don't overlook the possibility of moving. If you discovered you were living next door to an ex-convict or a rapist, etc...you'd probably get the heck out of Dodge, right? This guy is a NEGATIVE neighbor, one you should get away from ASAP. We DO live in America and we are a very restless and mobile people...constantly moving, changing jobs, etc. Take advantage of it. Even just the act of going out and looking at new apartments is healthy. Gets your mind thinking in new ways and maybe you'll spot one with a prettier view, a larger kitchen, a swimming pool or ??. You aren't condemned to stay in one spot...you can change your situation if you choose to. Good luck...

P.S. Read "He's Scared, She's Scared" and "Why Men Love Bitches" you'll be glad you did!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 10:42pm
I know this is hard...I had a friend who got involved with a neighbor and it turned into a disaster... It's tough to get over someone when you see them everyday but I think you deserve better....do you really want to take the chance of getting back together and him to drop you again for his ex?? I know you're still in the "I want him back" phase but eventually that will pass and you'll be more logical on the matter. In the meantime stay busy and if it helps....go do things away from your house as much as possible (go to the gym, take long walks, put in extra time at work...)And I don't think you'll be able to be friends with him until you're over him....you'll probably just be hurting if you try to be friends before then since he is with someone else. Good luck and keep us posted!!











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