Day 1 - It's so hard! & was I too hasty?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Day 1 - It's so hard! & was I too hasty?
21
Fri, 01-06-2006 - 10:09pm

I'm 26 and I broke up with my boyfriend of 6+ years last night. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I love him very much. He is so kind and supportive. We barely ever fought and seemed to want the same things out of life. We had moved in together right out of college, but by June of '05 the relationship was getting stagnant and we were both guilty of being co-dependent when it came to certain things. When I finally forced the "where is this going" talk, he said that he loved me very much, but he was just not sure about the direction of the relationship. He thought that living alone would force each of us to find our independence, but he wanted to continue dating and try to get things back to the way they were. I resisted moving apart at first, but in retrospect I agree that it was the right thing to do because I've grown a great deal. Since the move, I have given 100% as far as growing as an individual and bettering the relationship.

Things went surprisingly well since then (a few bumps in the road initially, as I was adjusting to life on my own) but overall, we were doing great. We were having a great time together, going on dates and trips, and having fun. However, in the back of my mind, I was still insecure that he wasn't sure about us.

Flash forward to a few days ago. I figured that since it had been 6 months and things seemed to be going well, I would test the waters. Long story short, when I basically asked if I was "The One" he was still unsure. I knew that I couldn't keep waiting for him to figure it out, and last night I ended it. It was a tearful and devastating departure for both of us. He said that I was beautiful and perfect and he couldn't understand why he couldn't commit to me. At one point he slapped his head as tears streamed down his face and said "I know I am an idiot, this is insane. I love you so much, you are my best friend, and you are so perfect. I just need some time to get my sh*t together".

So now I am stuck. I wish I could say that I want to move on, but so much of me hopes that he will wake up and realize that he's made a mistake and want me back. I know that I'm just setting myself up for more heartache though. I also keep wondering if I just should have been patient and waited for him to get through whatever it is he is going through.

If anyone out there has any thoughts or words of inspiration, it would be very helpful. I'm just heartbroken.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003

No, it doesn't sound like you were hasty at all.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2006

Oh my goodness. I could have written the message you just sent. My fiance left me three days ago after our 21 month relationship (living together engaged for the last 9 months). He broke off the engagement and wanted to stay together while he "figured things out". I said no, and I asked him to leave. He was completely packed and moved out the next day. That night he called me, and just like you said:

"I know I am an idiot, this is insane. I love you so much, you are my best friend, and you are so perfect. I just need some time to get my sh*t together".

The exact same thing! I was completely blown away. It was so unexpected for me. He was the one pushing for marriage, but here is my theory:

You can't move backward. No, we cannot continue to live together as 'boyfriend/girlfriend'. I am too hurt. If you don't want to marry me now, you will never want to marry me. You will never be ready.

So here I sit (day 3), all alone on a Friday night, with my cat, drinking my second glass of wine, watching my Sex and The City DVDs. It is better than the first night....It will get better tomorrow.

I am focusing on me now. Tomorrow I will go shopping with friends and have fun, but tonight I will wallow in my sadness and read more ivillage postings from people out there who are going through what I am...

You are not alone luckycharms.....I have been second guessing my 'hasty' kick him out decision, but he seemed so certain in his choice, I needed to be certain with mine. My mom's advice: There are more fish in the sea....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004

Jilly, thanks for taking the time to post. I cried as I read it, but it was exactly what I needed to hear. I think you are right about me outgrowing him in some ways. In fact, he even commented that since we moved apart, he felt like I had really stepped it up as far as being assertive professionally, exploring hobbies, learning to cook, finally taking that yoga class etc. He also said that he felt he had gone backwards during this period.

Unfortunately, you're probably also right with your puppy love hypothesis. The term sounds somewhat harsh, because it was much more than that to me, but you are likely right on. We are different people than we were when we met sophomore year of college. I love him just as much, if not more, but I guess there's nothing that I can do if that feeling is not reciprocal.

It's hard for me to remember that I am still young. After 6 years, it feels like I'm starting from scratch. I'm sure I'll make it though - I just wish I could fast forward life and feel happy again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004

I've never posted anything online before, but I'm so glad I did. It's nice to know that others are going through the same thing. It's so easy to get caught up in things and feel like your situation is so unique, that no one else could understand what you are going through.

It's so difficult when things end like this. I'm glad that things didn't get ugly and that I don't have to deal with the emotional baggage that occurs when someone has been the instigator of fights, verbally abusive, unfaithful, etc. But in some ways I wish that I had something tangible to point to and say "that was the problem". When there's nothing definitive...nothing actually wrong with the relationship aside from a lack of commitment from one party, the other party is just left thinking "why didn't I cut it?". I try so hard not to over analyze and pick myself apart and question everything I did and said over the last 6 years, but it's hard.

Reading your post helped though. It's interesting, because you started it by saying that you were going through the same thing, but at certain points while reading I had separated myself from what you were going through. I found myself saying, "That's good. She was strong and did the right thing". It's funny how things can seem so clear when you're on the outside and so fuzzy when you are going through it.

We will get through this though. Honestly, even though we were in love, it has to feel so much better to be in a relationship where the other person loves you just as much, AND HAS NO DOUBTS ABOUT IT. Thanks again for replying.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005

I have been feeling really down today and I read your post.

Your words "Honestly, even though we were in love, it has to feel so much better to be in a relationship where the other person loves you just as much, AND HAS NO DOUBTS ABOUT IT" - so true and I am crying now.

I too just got out of a relationship where he loves me but has doubts about us in the long-term. I can't wait to the day where someone not only loves me but knows beyond a shadow of doubt that I am the ONE.

I am scared though, can I love so deeply again? Does that person exist? I am hoping that with time, I will be better. I love reading the posts here because it makes you realize that you are not alone. There are other women who are hurt and going through this. I sometimes read the section on moving on as well. It is good to see that these people who posted in the "newly heartbroken" have moved on to the next group. Maybe someday, we will too.

Remember we are here with you,
Ash

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2006

I am going through it all right now too! I am still in the stage where I am hoping he comes back. But every once in a while I get angry. I keep making lists...of things that I don't like about him, things that I want in my "dream guy", things that he did that made me think that he wanted things to be more serious when he really didn't. I went back in my journal and started remembering all of the times I felt so hurt by something he said or did, or the times I said "I'm really through this time!" or "I can't do this anymore!" and trying to logically persuade myself that it had more bad than good. I don't know if that will help anyone else, because when you do it, you will start to remember the good things too (so I made a list of that) and then you are a crying mess all over again. My roommate told me that every tear that falls is me slowly getting over him and releasing him from my body. She's kind-of new-age or whatever, but I liked that thought. Especially since I think I will need to drink extra water for all of the crying I have been doing.

Good luck to everyone on this board. This weekend, the first weekend in over a year that I will not see him...is going to be so hard.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2006
has anyone seen any other posts by Luckycharms? was she able to move on or did he come back around? this whole post has really struck a cord with me and all the replies... where are you girls?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
I know, I was just thinking the same thing... I am just *about* to end a relationship and preparing myself for the rollercoaster of madness I know I'm going to go thru. I wanted to know how she - and others- are dealing with the pain and their updates.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Hi guys! I totally relied on this board for a while, but then took a bit of a break. I randomly decided to check in tonight, and I'm so glad I did. I was so touched by the recent posts! Thanks so much for following up. It really means a lot
So, here's the update. I'm sorry - it's going to be long because so much has happened! The first couple of weeks were TOUGH. I knew I had made the right decision, but I was also feeling so down about the whole thing. I also felt physically horrible, but I'd had what I thought to be the flu right before the break and attributed the post-break fatigue to being so stressed and sad. I finally went to the doctor though, and it turns out I had mono. Seriously, who gets mono at 26???I didn't want to get off topic during my first post, but I also found out around the holidays that my father had cancer (it started off as a cancerous tumor in his leg, but a CAT scan revealed small spots in his lungs, which is BAD news. The doctors couldn't be conclusive though, so we're waiting for a CAT scan next week which will reveal whether the cancer had spread or the spots are harmless granulomas)
Needless to say, all of those things combined made for a VERY VERY tough few weeks - by far the worst in my life. With the mono, I couldn't really get out to distract myself, so I just slept, woke up and cried for a few hours and then slept again. This also lead me to make a few ill timed phone calls to the ex. I didn't call often, but when I did I was usually at my wits end and would be crying and totally overwhelmed with everything when I talked to him. Stupid, I know. It was just so hard because he is who I normally would look to for support in these situations, but of course he is exactly who I shouldn't be calling. He's got a good heart, and never acted cold. He was always very sweet and supportive and would also call here and there to check on me, but of course in the end I would feel even worse. I know he loves me and cares about me, but the bottom line was still the same.
Once I got my physical health back in check, I decided to give myself a swift kick in the butt. The funny thing is, I think that mono expedited the healing process. I was too tired to do anything, so I was stuck in my house alone with nothing to do but think, and mourn the relationship, and come to grips with my father's situation. Everything in its totality forced me to do a massive gut check, and in the process I found out that I was one tough cookie! I realized that I can't control certain things in life, and it was futile to try and do so. I also realized that I was tired of being miserable and it was ridiculous for me to be giving so much energy to a relationship that obviously wasn't on the right track, and it would be far better for me to be giving time and energy to myself and my family. I completely did a 180. I just focused and the things I could control and tried to accept the things I could not. I started exercising (like 5 days a week!), eating healthfully, bought canvases so that I could paint, looking into vacation plans (I'm going to Florida with a friend the first week in march..woo hoo!), and got a great new haircut and some new clothes.
I also decided to stop all contact my ex because it was preventing me from moving on. I had one final conversation with my him and let him know that I wouldn't be contacting him for a while, and finally I stuck to it. Over the course of the next few weeks, he was leaving messages and e-mails and saying that he misses me and thinks about me a lot (not a ton, but he was doing all of the initiating). I never called him, just called him back and kept it short.
Finally, I agreed to meet for drinks last night. I looked hot! (the combo of new clothes, working out, new hair) really paid off. Since I had a mop head and bags under my eyes from being super tired and crying the last time he saw me, this was quite a change. He kept telling me how great I looked. I NEVER discussed the relationship...just told him about all of the awesome things going on in my life. Any time he would sort of allude to our relationship, I would cut him off and say "let's not talk about that". I must say, knowing that I've accomplished so much despite the circumstances really affected the way I saw him. He's got nothing holding him back, and he still can't get on the right track! He even commented that he felt lame because I had all of these things to tell him about and he had nothing to report. I can’t explain it, but it was like the roles had reversed. He just seemed sort of sad at points, and said that he’d been lonely and missing me and was frustrated with his life. I just kept switching topics quickly.
So at the end of the night, I kissed him on the cheek and he said "Well, ok...it was so great to see you" and I swear there were some tears welling up! It's so funny...relationships are such a push pull. The minute he realized that I was serious about getting over him and moving on, was probably the minute he realized what he was losing.
So that's the update for now. I'm not going to lie...I still have my down moments (especially when I see other couples!). You can’t get over 6 years in a few weeks. I still really love him and I have times where I miss him a TON. I do know that I wouldn't take him back as he is though. The more time that passes, the more that he would have to prove himself in order for me to give it another go. He really is a GREAT person with a HUGE heart, but the fact that he can't motivate and figure himself out obviously has negative ramifications for the relationship. He hasn't officially asked to give it another go by the way, but I can just tell by things that he's said that he regrets his decision, but for now, I've made it clear that I'm focused on me and won't even allow the conversation to veer towards our relationship. I've given more than my fair share of support, and it's time for him to do a little gut check of his own! I’m not playing games…just giving him a little tough love and that space he insisted on, because I’ve been too easy and accommodating in the past. I think he needs a wake up call (not just about me, but in life) He was my best friend for a number of years though and I really want him to get back on the right track (no matter what it means for us). Who knows what the future holds. If it's meant to be, it will be.
I hope you are all doing well. Thanks again for checking up! How are you guys doing?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003

WOW! That's awesome! That is one of the best posts I've read, seriously. I don't know you, but I'm so happy you found a way to turn things around in your world and it is working and you're happy. You seem like a very strong, wonderful girl ;)

I'm sorry to hear about your dad's situation...try to stay positive and don't obsess over what outcome it may be for him. At least they caught it before the cancer spread all over. Keep us posted on this.

I feel like I'm in the same place/recognizing the same scenario you've had with your ex as I'm going thru now. I'm about to break up with a guy I've been seeing for almost 2 yrs and it's so hard. I know it's not easy for anyone to do, but relationships are my weakness... for me to initiate this is very, very tough. I don't want to break things off- the guy makes me smile daily, he's sweet, charming, etc etc- but I recently found out he's talking to another girl on email, with her all calling him "sweetie", "I miss you", "when can we get together again", etc. I think that's the icing on the cake for me... I don't want to hang around and be played like that. I don't want to share him. And when I ask if there are any other girls, his response is "No- I can tell you that." OK, so what I'm reading is make believe...???

So... your update is an inspiration to me. You know how Day 1 is- you feel like you'll never go on with your life, how am I going to live without him (enter cheesy Michael Bolton song), how can I stop crying, how can I not talk to him on email every day and why would I cut something that makes me happy??? It's good to know I am doing the right thing if I'm not getting out of this relationship what I want. We'll see his reaction when I tell him we need to say our goodbyes- I don't think he thinks this is coming.

Stay in touch!

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