Day 1 - It's so hard! & was I too hasty?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Day 1 - It's so hard! & was I too hasty?
21
Fri, 01-06-2006 - 10:09pm

I'm 26 and I broke up with my boyfriend of 6+ years last night. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I love him very much. He is so kind and supportive. We barely ever fought and seemed to want the same things out of life. We had moved in together right out of college, but by June of '05 the relationship was getting stagnant and we were both guilty of being co-dependent when it came to certain things. When I finally forced the "where is this going" talk, he said that he loved me very much, but he was just not sure about the direction of the relationship. He thought that living alone would force each of us to find our independence, but he wanted to continue dating and try to get things back to the way they were. I resisted moving apart at first, but in retrospect I agree that it was the right thing to do because I've grown a great deal. Since the move, I have given 100% as far as growing as an individual and bettering the relationship.

Things went surprisingly well since then (a few bumps in the road initially, as I was adjusting to life on my own) but overall, we were doing great. We were having a great time together, going on dates and trips, and having fun. However, in the back of my mind, I was still insecure that he wasn't sure about us.

Flash forward to a few days ago. I figured that since it had been 6 months and things seemed to be going well, I would test the waters. Long story short, when I basically asked if I was "The One" he was still unsure. I knew that I couldn't keep waiting for him to figure it out, and last night I ended it. It was a tearful and devastating departure for both of us. He said that I was beautiful and perfect and he couldn't understand why he couldn't commit to me. At one point he slapped his head as tears streamed down his face and said "I know I am an idiot, this is insane. I love you so much, you are my best friend, and you are so perfect. I just need some time to get my sh*t together".

So now I am stuck. I wish I could say that I want to move on, but so much of me hopes that he will wake up and realize that he's made a mistake and want me back. I know that I'm just setting myself up for more heartache though. I also keep wondering if I just should have been patient and waited for him to get through whatever it is he is going through.

If anyone out there has any thoughts or words of inspiration, it would be very helpful. I'm just heartbroken.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004

I know exactly what you mean. It's so hard to give up on someone that makes you happy and you share history with, and you can't see yourself living without. It's the right choice though. If the conflict was based around lifestyle issues, like he doesn't do anything around the house, spends too much money, etc, it seems like that's something that would be worth really trying to work through (but even those issues can become too much in the long run!). But whether you're talking about someone who can't commit to a future after 6 years or someone that’s exchanging flirtatious e-mails (whether they're actually acting on it or not), it still comes down to the same thing. They are not are not there for you 100%. No matter how happy they can make you at times, or how comfy you feel in their arms, or how many great experiences you've shared, the feeling that they mean more to you than you do to them will continue to haunt you. It just ends up making you insecure, and leaves you feeling that you simply must not have been good enough (which is so not true!). It's good to evaluate the relationship and learn. Of course we are not perfect. I wish that I would have tried harder not to let things get stagnant when we were living together, and I was definitely immature at times at the beginning of the relationship (but we were still college kids - who's not immature then?). Ever since we moved out and got our own places (I guess that was 8 months ago? - wow) I have been really proud about my actions and reactions to things. I've done a lot of growing, so luckily I'm not sitting with a lot of regrets about that. It's funny because I was talking to a friend and commented that my ex had changed and I still didn't understand why he was going through this and why he couldn't just get his sh*t together, and my friend just said, "honestly, it sounds like he's the same, and you're the one that has changed". Dang...that was a light bulb moment.

So yes, after some time and distance I look at the whole thing differently, and I think you will too. I looked back on my initial post and was amazed to realize that it's only been a month! Of course, in the beginning every day seems like an eternity. That first week was hell, the second was better but pretty tough. Then I had my gut check, and since then things have been a million times better. As I said, I still have my moments, but I really feel like I'm over the worst of it and I'm more confident than ever that it was for the best. If you're feeling like you should do this, there is a reason. You know that whether he actually doing something with this other girl or just flirting, it's not ok with you and after 2 years you deserve better than that. I'm not quite sure how you found these e-mails, but it stinks that you can't confront him on it. I'm know that it hurts so much and I'm sorry that you're going through it. I'm glad to hear you're not settling for it though, because it will only fester insecurity and paranoia in the long run. It's hard, but it's the right thing to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2005

hi luckycharms,

i like what you're saying. it's all so true. i broke up with my boyfriend of about 8 months last november. he couldn't tell me he loved me. he had a ton of excuses why he couldn't say it, but deep down inside i just knew that he didn't love me. i became so insecure in our relationship and as a consequence wasn't happy anymore. i finally cut the strings in november which was so hard because he was such a nice guy, with great qualities, "a catch" if you will. and believe me i had my moments of second-guessing myself and feel low. and the fact that the breakup happened right before the holidays didn't help matters. but now after all this time has passed i truly feel over him and feel like i made the right decision. i do deserve to be in a loving relationship. i mean of course. DUH! i haven't found my mr. right yet, but i am confident i will some day find someone who will cherish me and who i will cherish back. but anyways, luckycharms you sound like an intelligent, strong person and i wish you the best.

peacefrog

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003

Thank you guys for being here! Not that I wish this situation on anyone, but knowing there are people out there who have been thru this, and lived, is comforting. It's not like this is the first time I've been thru this type situation; it's just so hard. I have already cried a river, and I know I'm going to cry even more after I actually break it off, but it's good to get reassurance that I'm doing the right thing. I don't even want to do this; something is just telling me I should (plus, my friends are all saying I should as well).

I am in a long distance relationship, therefore it's not exactly easy to see my boyfriend or judge his reactions, know where he's at all the time, etc. I've had suspicions about him just in general because sometimes he's silent and other days I'm "his girl" and is the sweetest ever to me. But I guess I'm not what he needs if he's out there initiating relationships/flirting with other girls.

I'm going to drop the bomb on him tomorrow, wish me luck.....:(

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004

Oh dear...

He wants me back. I honestly didn't see this coming. He says that he wants to be there for me 1,000,000%. (In the past, he said he felt he was was no good for me and didn't deserve me because he couldn't be there 100%).

I'm feeling different than I thought I would. Part of me is happy. Part of me feels gratified and appreciated. Part of me is just FREAKED OUT.

I feel like I'd finally hit that acceptance stage. I was still bummed sometimes, and still REALLY missed him sometimes. But at some point I had handed in my resignation. I came to the conclusion that this is the way it's going to be and I can't keep being miserable about it.

Now he's back. Telling me he loves me...he never stopped loving me...

Going through the break up was hell, and now I'm scared. I don't want to be hurt that badly again. Any advice??? Help!!!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003

But him loving you was never the issue, was it? I thought it was his inability to commit. Have you read Steven Carter's books on commitment issues (He's Scared, She's Scared or Men Who Can't Love)? This is actually pretty typical...once the pressure that's in their heads is relieved, they start to want you back...but unless the underlying issues are addressed, he'll start to feel pressure again after you get back together and bolt.

What does he mean, exactly, by "being there for you 1,000,000%"? I'd make sure he spells that out for you. Is he ready to get engaged, for example?

At a minimum, I would make going to couples counseling a condition of getting back together (if he really has commitment issues, though, he probably needs individual counseling).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003

Just be careful... you've worked so hard to get to a semi-stable point (sounds like based on what you wrote), so don't let his sudden realization throw you off what YOU want. I know, easier said than done... there's probably a part of you that does want him.

I like the other person's suggestion of asking him specifics- how is he going to be there "1,00000000%"? Do you think he's being sincere or just misses you?

I know these are tough questions, hang in there, you can always vent to us :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004

First, let me say that my Dad is OK!!!!! The spots in his lungs have shown no change, so the doctors are confident that they are harmless. He is a very lucky man, and I feel so lucky right now that I will continue to have him in my life...hopefully for many years to come!

Second, thanks for the responses. I pretty much knew those things, but needed to hear it you know? I was immediately afraid these realizations were for the wrong reasons (thus feeling very freaked out by the whole thing). On the other hand, it was a 6 year relationship and we'd only been broken up for a little over a month, so to say that it didn't feel good on some level would have been a lie. I must admit that I'm a little ashamed that he still could have such an effect on me, but I know that I have to be honest on this board if I want to get constructive and truthful responses.

I've managed to put off really talking to him so far. This week was the moment of truth for my Dad, and in all honesty, I found that I just didn't really want to deal with the relationship because I had more immanent things on my plate. Right now I just feel like revealing in the news about my Dad, and enjoying my weekend. I know that there are a number of issues that are still unresolved. I just don't think I have it in me to hash it all out, so I think I'm going to take some space for myself right now until I can sit down and fully digest all that has happened in my life. I'm trying to take the mature and responsible path with all of this. I just know that I've been through too much this week to make any kind of important/rational decisions.

Thanks again for the responses.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2006
I too am going through the first days of a break-up. One in which thought would end in "happily ever after" .. Like you do... I have to say that the pressure of wanting to be the girl that "he" believed was the one is what broke us up.
My parents have this wonderful story about how much they met and how my dad would fly from San Diego to NYC just to see her... They hated that my boyfriend didn't even want to drive to my house to see me. But I do live with my parents.. I moved back in to help with my parents health issues.. And do the "handy work" in order to sell the house.
back to the point. I started the discussion that broke us up... because I felt he didn't try enough.. after a year of me going out of my way for him. My parents hate seeing me this depressed, even if they think he was not good enough.. Blah blah.. But I think you were right to do what you did... I keep hoping that i will think the same thing for myself..
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2005
Does anyone know what happened to Luckycharms? I'd really like to find out if she went back to her ex-boyfriend and how she's doing now! Her experience was just so close to mine, and her messages really hit home for me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004

Hey guys, sorry I haven't been on for a while. I don't know if any of you have followed my posts, but I just thought I'd give an update...

Did I go back to him? Yes and no. We sort of went back and forth for a little while. We would hang out like nothing had changed, but there was an underlying feeling (for both of us I think) that things had changed...or maybe they hadn't changed at all and that was the problem. I ended up breaking it off again, but this time it felt more mutual. I wasn't breaking up with him because I felt I had to...I was doing it because I needed more than he could give. It needed to end, and we both knew it. He just has a lot that he needs to figure out in life.

We haven't seen each other in about a month. He's contacted me a handful of times...telling me that he misses me a lot and that he's just really disappointed with himself. I did not respond to the majority of his attempts. A few times, I've given a short reply. I wasn't mean, but the overall tone I conveyed was that I was sorry he felt that way and that I hoped things got better for him soon. It's hard not to be there for him...he was my best friend in the world...but this is absolutely something he must figure out for himself. I can't be a crutch for him. He needs to feel life without me in it, get himself together, and if that eventually leads him back to me, we'll see what happens...but there's no guarantee I'll be around.

As hard as it is at times, I'm proceeding with my life like he's not coming back. There are too many variables, and I've already given 6 years to the relationship. It's time for me to move on! It's tough sometimes, but for all of you that are going through it, it really does get better (and when I was looking through the board, I saw a number of posts that looked just like mine after the initial breakup. It was almost bizarre) I have times when I really long for what we had (Sunday nights around 9 seems to be the worst for some reason - maybe I'm just dreading the work week!) but for the most part I'm doing really well. I think that basically kicking my own butt the first time around (working out, eating healthy, journaling etc) really helped me regain some of my confidence, so when I walked out the door this time, I knew that I could handle it and it was in my best interests.

This probably isn't the update some of you were hoping for. At first I was always looking for success stories of ex's that realized their mistakes and came crawling back and everything turned out perfectly. But in all honesty, it is a success story. I'm not back with him, but I've realized that sometimes you can give your best and it just doesn't work out. I've evaluated the situation and my mistakes and grown from them, but at the same time I've stopped putting blame on myself. There are so many aspects of this that were out of my control, that playing the blame game is futile. Perhaps the most important thing I've gotten from all of this is that I've realized I'm a heck of a lot stronger than I thought! It's amazing how much changing your thinking from "we" to "me" has changed things. I've really been able to focus and figure out what I want. I've learned so much about myself in this time alone, and maybe he will do the same...but I'm not waiting around anymore. It's sad to see it end, but each day that passes I feel more and more convinced that settling for a relationship where the other person wasn't there 100% is absolutely not something I want for myself.

I'm sorry this is so long, but I just wanted to let anyone out there going through something similar that it really does get better no matter what happens. I was so down immediately after the initial breakup that I felt like a shell of a person. I thought I'd never be happy again! But I've laughed, had good times with friends and time has allowed me a completely different perspective. Good luck to everyone!