Day 5 of no contact

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Day 5 of no contact
20
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 11:58am

Well, it's my turn to need some support. I finally cut off contact with the man I've been dating long-distance for the last 14 months. The issues that led to the breakup were mainly his not being willing to compromise to meet my needs and wants (I was always doing the compromising to meet his) and his not committing to moving up here as we have been discussing since our relationship started. I broke up with him a few weeks ago by voicemail (because he was avoiding talking about it whenever we spoke on the phone) but was continuing to talk to him every 3-5 days because I wanted to have an official "break up talk". But he continued to avoid it (and he was having extreme high blood pressure health issues so I of course cut him some slack because I felt sorry for him), so I finally had to send him an email on Sunday explaining that I needed to stop talking to him unless and until he decides he's ready to move forward (and I spelled out exactly what that means...not that any of it will be a surprise to him as we've been discussing it on and off for months).

Anyway, I *know* I will be ok, and I know what I have to do to get there...but every time I go through a break up I'm reminded that there is no avoiding the *process*...and it hurts, no matter how many times you go through it. Even though I know the breakup is the right thing for me to do, it still hurts that he's not doing what he needs to in order to save our relationship. I know deep down he's not really capable of it (he's got issues!), but it still hurts.

I think what I fear most is that I know from experience that this will get harder before it gets easier. The first couple of days weren't too bad because I knew I was doing the right thing and we hadn't been talking every day, anyway. But now it's really sinking in that it's over, and that feeling will probably continue and deepen for the next week or so before it starts to get better.

Sheri

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2005
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 1:33pm

Hi Sheri,

I am sorry to hear about your breakup. You seem like a very strong woman, and I'm quite positive that you will be ok and come out of this a more stronger person. I agree with you--there is no way for you to avoid the process and it's best for you to deal with it as best as you can. Keeping your emotions and feelings locked inside will only make it worse.

IMO, I think your b/f is a little afraid to leave behind everything he has going for him to move to an entirely different city and start fresh and new. Long distance relationships are the toughest. Has he ever mentioned that he was willingly to do this anytime during the last 14 months? Is there anyway that you are willing to move where he resides? I think he avoided the "official breakup talk" because he knew it was coming and didn't want the relationship to end. Was he a good b/f? Is this the only reason for the breakup and do you think there can be a compromise between the two of you?

I know what your feeling right now, it does take a few days for it to sink in and that's when it starts to really hurt. But the best advice I can give to you hon, is to take it one day at a time. Eventually it won't hurt as much. I feel like a good cry always helps me a little. And if you truly believe that it was best for you to part with him, then please know that you will meet someone eventually that will satisfy all your needs and will be willingly to do just about anything to make your relationship successful. Best of luck to you. Sorry for rambling on....

J

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 2:06pm

Hi, thanks for your post. No, the move was only one of the issues...the other main issue was that he's very moody and rather selfish (all about HIS needs, not mine), so no, not really a good bf, LOL! What I had a hard time deciding due to the distance was whether that's just how he is, or if he's behaving that way at the moment because he's so unhappy with his job and where he lives. Since he doesn't want to stay there, no, we never talked about me moving down there, it was always him coming up here which he said he wanted to do. He even told me in November that he was moving up here at the end of December (this past December) but then he lost his nerve...in retrospect, I should have ended it then but hindsight is 20/20 ;-).

I read a book last night that helped...it's the latest one by Steven Carter (who wrote several books on commitmentphobes), and it's about narcissism. Boy, was that an eye-opener. He definitely has a lot of those traits. It helps to read that I'm not crazy to want to try to work things out (it's a common issue, to want to help them and fix them), but also realize that I can't do that...he's not likely to change, esp at the age of 49, without therapy, which I'm quite sure he won't get.

Again, thanks for your post and the reminder to take one day at a time...I need to focus on just getting through each hour or even each minute without contacting him, and eventually, I'll get to the other side of this.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 2:11pm

Hi Sheri, sending hugs. That sucks that he is backing out on you and your relationship like that, very disappointing... And I know you know how the break-up >healing process goes, but it doesn't make it hurt any less when you go through it. IMO, I think you did the right thing, telling him what you want/need, being patient (14 months)and walking away gracefully leaving the ball in his court. So whats left?..., comfort foods, good friends, and an encouraging message board or two, lol helps.

Be kind to yourself, weeding out the wrong ones makes the right one that much more amazing! I'll send a prayer for the "right one" to stop dragging his feet!

Grace

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 3:22pm

Thanks, Grace, I appreciate that. I had a good friend of mine who's met my ex read the email and he thought I did a good job of setting clear boundaries and explaining exactly why I needed to stop talking to him, but also letting go with love. I am hurt that he has chosen to not even acknowledge that email, but what can you do?

I have had a much larger than normal urge to eat ice cream, I must say ;-).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2005
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 3:30pm

Okay, well this just blows that all of a sudden he changes his mind and doesn't have the balls to tell you. At least he can give you that much after 14 months of being together!

I guess it was a good idea to part ways with him now, sooner or later his moodiness and selfish would takes it toll on you. Every relationship is a two-way street, it's not fair that only his needs were being met and not yours! Sweetie, you deserve someone hell of a lot better than him. And yes he is unlikely to change especially at 49!! If he hasn't grown up yet, unlikely he will anytime soon, and one would think that at the age of 49 you would be secure as to what you want out of a relationship and from life in general.

Let him be, one day he will realize what a big mistake he's made and hopefully by then you would have already moved on to someone new!

Just hang in there and keep busy. Shop, eat, drink, watch movies, go out and just have fun--just do for you!

Hugs,
J

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 8:10pm

Dear Sheri,

It really hurts. Every relationship - when it comes to an end. But I admire you to stand up for what you believe in. A couple of things also to support you - I've been in a situation where I was dating a moody man. Oh, boy, I don't anyone who can handle for longtime... And you, guys, were long-distance... Just imagine if you were spending together more time... It's a huge issue... And, it will be probably impossible to get rid of it. He's been living with his moods for 49 years. It will take quite, very longtime to start seeing some progress with therapy. do you want to spend all this time waiting for better life? It's hard.

I am sure, he had a lot of positive sides as well, otherwise you wouldn't have been with him for so long! but some things, like mood swings - I think is a crucial factor in the relationship, because you live it with him every day and it can wear one down a lot.

Also, intuition is a huge part that we women have. Listen to it. You had doubts... It's a huge sign! And then, he really doesn't seem to be fully emotionally mature, since he is not even willing to face the problem, or he might be just on a different page... and you just can't take a step forward in the relationship. How long can the long distance last like that? 14 months - it's a quite long time and if he is scared to make decisions... do you really need someone like that? YOu need someone who can commit and do the best to see where it's going... I think he has some issues he has to figure out first before doing anything about it.

Hanging there. it will be all right. There will be days, you'll feel very crapy, and days you will feel all right. Just don't forget what YOU want and what is important to YOU. Trust me, it's better to break it up now, then if he moved later and you found out more incompatibilites.

Hugs,

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 9:59pm

Hi Sheri -

Sorry to hear you are going through this. No need to tell you all the usual things about a breakup because you already know. You have given me (and everyone else) such amazing advice and heartfelt support that it is clear that you have a good perspective on relationships and breakups.

You know you are doing the right thing, and I admire you for being able to be objective about the situation and do what you know is right. Unfortunately knowing it is the right thing doesn't make it hurt any less. I wish you didn't have to go through the painful process of healing - I wish that for everyone here - but luckily you KNOW that the pain won't last forever. Like so many people on this board, I didn't believe that, but you and many others kept encouraging me until I made it through the worst part. I just hope you can get even a fraction of the help and support you have given others.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 10:14pm

Thanks, and I know you're right about the moodiness! He was up here for 4 days over Memorial Day weekend and was moody a good part of the time...even though it wasn't about ME, it was still really hard to be around! He kept saying, "don't take it so personally", and I'm like, "I'm not, I know you're not upset with me, but it's no fun hanging out with you when you're being like this."

So yes, even if he HAD moved up here, it's unlikely it would have worked...but yes, of course he had some wonderful qualities as well.

I'm taking it moment by moment and hanging in there...thanks again.

Sheri

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 10:17pm

Thanks, that means a lot to me!! I am glad to know I've helped, and feel very supported.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2004
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 10:19pm

To My Admirer:

It seems so weird, to find a posting that was originated by you. Your such the "glue" that sticks us together whenever we need that heartfelt and good advice. But you are a woman like the rest of us, and have given such helpful and good advice to all of us one these boards, but just listen to yourself. You know what to do, and just follow that. It doesn't help ease the pain of the break up, but if you have time, search through these posting and go back and read some of the comments you've written to people. Your advice to others is something you need, to help you in your time of support. I bet you, you will feel better and get better clarity on your situation, because you can take a piece of everybody's heartache or issue and apply it to you, and you may feel better about your situation. Follow your gut and instincts!!! You are a smart and well-educated woman, who knows, that settling is something that we must not do. Keep us posted and I guarantee you, us Ivillagers will be here for you when you need us, because you have done so much for us. Take care!!!

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