Day 5 of no contact

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Day 5 of no contact
20
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 11:58am

Well, it's my turn to need some support. I finally cut off contact with the man I've been dating long-distance for the last 14 months. The issues that led to the breakup were mainly his not being willing to compromise to meet my needs and wants (I was always doing the compromising to meet his) and his not committing to moving up here as we have been discussing since our relationship started. I broke up with him a few weeks ago by voicemail (because he was avoiding talking about it whenever we spoke on the phone) but was continuing to talk to him every 3-5 days because I wanted to have an official "break up talk". But he continued to avoid it (and he was having extreme high blood pressure health issues so I of course cut him some slack because I felt sorry for him), so I finally had to send him an email on Sunday explaining that I needed to stop talking to him unless and until he decides he's ready to move forward (and I spelled out exactly what that means...not that any of it will be a surprise to him as we've been discussing it on and off for months).

Anyway, I *know* I will be ok, and I know what I have to do to get there...but every time I go through a break up I'm reminded that there is no avoiding the *process*...and it hurts, no matter how many times you go through it. Even though I know the breakup is the right thing for me to do, it still hurts that he's not doing what he needs to in order to save our relationship. I know deep down he's not really capable of it (he's got issues!), but it still hurts.

I think what I fear most is that I know from experience that this will get harder before it gets easier. The first couple of days weren't too bad because I knew I was doing the right thing and we hadn't been talking every day, anyway. But now it's really sinking in that it's over, and that feeling will probably continue and deepen for the next week or so before it starts to get better.

Sheri

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2004
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 10:32pm

SOMEONE POSTED THESE WORDS ON THIS BOARD. READ IT, IT MAY HELP, AND TAKE CARE

1. If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
2. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
3. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
4. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not
meant to be.
5. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes
6. you truly happy.
7. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve
then heck no, you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
8. Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he
probably is.
9. Don't stay because you think "it will get better."
You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
10. The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
11. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.
He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
12. Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
13. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak
up.
14. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
15. You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.
16. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if he has
more education or in a better job.
17. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
18. Never let a man define who you are.
19. Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
20. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are
NOT dogs.
21. You should not be the one doing all the bending ....compromise is a two way
street.
22. You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about
baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
23. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists
of two WHOLE individuals ...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.
24. Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
25. Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and your always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.
26. Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man.
(Hallelujah, thank you Jesus!)
27. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.

Share this with other ladies..... You'll make someone smile, another rethink
her choices, and another woman prepare.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate
them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-29-2005 - 11:49am

Thanks Dev, I appreciate your post! Knowing what I know about breakups *does* help (in the sense that I know this too shall pass) but the pain is still something one needs to deal with and get through, even if you realize it's not going to last forever.

I want to feel better NOW, LOL!!!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
Fri, 07-29-2005 - 2:33pm

Here are my recommendations on a few ways to "feel better now" (even if it is temporary)

Shopping - the instant mood elevator.
Buy some killer shoes, expensive jeans that make you feel like a star, or a sexy dress. During my latest breakup I shopped a LOT. At the time, I wasn't going anywhere I could even wear my new purchases, but now that I am starting to feel a little better, I have a great wardrobe!

Pamper yourself. Get a massage, facial, pedicure and manicure. Even though you feel like you just got run over by a truck you can still look into the mirror and realize what a hot babe he just lost out on.

Indulge. Have those forbidden foods that you don't normally eat - either because you are watching your weight (aren't we always!) or because they aren't particularly healthy. Fudge ice cream, pizza, burgers and fries - all are fair game (just know when to stop!)

I realize these are all superficial and won't solve or cure the pain you are feeling now, but hey, feeling better for even a few minutes or hours is better than nothing!

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Sat, 07-30-2005 - 10:41am

Dear Sherri-

You are so much better w/o him. I cannot believe he did not ackowledge the email. You have great impulse control as I would have been sooo irritated by that.

My bf broke up w/ me about a week ago. He is 42. He did it over the phone, but was close enough to see me in person. We were dating for almost 2 years, with plans of marriage.
Now he becomes a commitment phobe. He already bought the ring. I am confused and hurt, as I thought if anyone broke up, I would do it.

You are very strong not to have any contact w/him. I am finding that difficult. We both deserve grown up men, who can contront & deal w/ their issues. I am in therapy (not because of this), so I basically am very open & say what I mean.

You were correct to trust your "gut feeling".

His loss! Be proud of yourself and for meeting YOUR needs!

Hugs-
c318

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Sat, 07-30-2005 - 2:13pm

Sheri,


I am so sorry for what you're going through... I know how much it hurts.

-----------------------------------

"You get what you settle for"...

Avatar for deneeecie
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Sun, 08-07-2005 - 11:59am

Sheri...


I am sorry you are going through this - as you and I

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 10:32am

Hey there, thanks for your post. I'm hanging in there...knowing I did the right thing but still feeling the pain of the loss.

Hopefully I will start feeling better soon...right now things feel pretty dark, but I know from experience that this will lift...eventually.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 3:54pm

Hey Shari......its been a long time and you have clearly been up to all kinds of stuff :-)

Just a quick hug and to let you know I think you handled a very difficult situation with grace and integrity (as you always do).

This particular situation may have occurred because of your "pick". Since you have an extremely accomplished "real life" going on and are quite adept at pacing yourself, planning and focus....perhaps it was an easier situation to handle something from afar and slowly feeding the relationship and easying it along(while testing it for compatibility)......a very passive/aggressive narrcisistic man would find that kind of situation very appealling because the amount of sacrafice and support he would have to lend you (mostly long distant) would be very limited since its kept at arm's length much of the time. I have found that very narcisistic people live and die by control....the phone and emails are perfect mediums for them. They can choose not to respond (or not) and use lack of contact to their advantage......making you anxious and unsettled and them feeling very powerful and in control(because the ball stays in their court). The give and take of consistent intimacy is not one of their talents, rather they thrive of the withholding of intimacy to get what they want...which is usually focus and support for themselves without much reciprocation or work.

Now, please disregard this if I'm off base here, Just knowing your past history and all of the personal work you have done (not to mention all you have accomplished elsewhere in your life), it seems that you are far too healthy for this type of situation to have managed to thrive for much beyond the 14 months......and this is only because it wasn't face to face DAY TO DAY ........you would have figured this out far sooner if distance wasn't a factor......and it was simply a normal one on one relationship. It seems to me from reading this board over the years.....the only long distant relationships that ever stand a chance of working or those that begin with strong intimate bonds built on years of living with one another and working at the Day to Day type of relationships before living apart.....and even most of those don't stand the strain.

Anyway, it still sucks that we have to go through this kind of thing.....but lessons learned are all way worth the trip......even if it hurts now.

I feel for you and am confident that a much more deserving man is in your future. You have accomplished so much and continue to give of yourself......that will be rewarded in spades!!!!!

Much Love, BBR

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 7:06pm

Thanks, BBR, and it's nice to "see" you! I'm still referring people to your great post on thought-stopping and the index cards, years after you posted it ;-).

Your observations are very much in keeping with the book on narcissism, and several of my friends have made the point that it's doubtful this relationship would have lasted this long if we were actually in the same place. Right now it's dealing with breaking the *habit* of talking to him all the time that I'm having the hardest time with...but I know this will pass.

Interestingly, I have two friends who have both married men they met and dated LD...both now have kids and seem to be doing great. So knowing that made me more hopeful that this could work...I'd always been so skeptical about LDRs but decided to give it a chance due to their good experiences. Oh well ;-)!

I wish I had your confidence about the more deserving man in my future ;-)...I sometimes feel that by increasing my own emotional health and maturity I've made it impossible to settle for anyone who's less healthy and mature...and unfortunately it seems that most single men in my age group are less healthy. But I haven't given up hope yet! Thanks again.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2004
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 10:34pm
PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP HOPE!!! YOUR MAN IS OUT THERE, WAITING FOR YOU!! YOU KNOW, JUST THINK THAT THE HEARTACHE AND LOSS YOUR EXPERIENCING NOW, YOUR FUTURE MAN IS GOING THRU THE SAME HEARTACHE. YOU BOTH ARE ACTUALLY GOING THRU THE SAME GARBAGE, WITHOUT MEETING ONE ANOTHER. DOES THAT MAKE SENSE? SO WHEN ALL THE CHIPS HAVE FELL, AND THE BOTH OF YOU ARE NEW AND STRONGER INDIVIDUALS, BOTH EMOTIONALLY AND MENTALLY, THE TWO OF YOU WILL MEET!! I TRULY BELIEVE THAT, AND I'M WAITING FOR MY MAN AS WELL. WHEN WE MEET, IT WILL BE AWESOME, AND YOURS WILL BE TOO. TAKE CARE SHERI, THE PEOPLE ON THESE BOARDS LIKE AND RESPECT YOU. YOU ARE A TRUE INDEPENDENT AND CARE GIVING WOMAN, THAT DESERVES THE BEST. TAKE CARE

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