Dazed and confused
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| Sat, 06-10-2006 - 7:12am |
First post on anything like this and looking for a little advice and direction.
Been seeing a guy for 18 months now, and for the first 6-8 it was fantastic - daily contact, seeing each other several times a week, amazing sex, the most incredible connection I've ever felt. In short I fell in love, and I thought he felt the same - though he never said it.
However.... even at the best and happiest time (this time last year) it was a very weird relationship. I never got an invite to meet his mates (outside of the group of mutual friends in a club relating to a mutual interest that we met through) and he wouldn't ever meet mine. At first I just assumed it was because it was all a bit too new and he's also very busy at work. But I started to ask questions when this went on for more than 6-7 months, and last November it all came to a head when we had a talk and he told me he wanted a casual relationship and not a boyfriend-girlfriend one. But he STILL didn't explain the friends and why I felt so peripheral. Anyway I was devastated but he wanted still to see me so I (perhaps wrongly) swallowed my hurt and carried on. I mean we got on really well still, had a great laugh and lots of fun together, so I tried to pull away emotionally and treat it more casually, with varying success - though I am not expecting anything in terms of an 'end game' (e.g. living together) now.
Anyway another six months later and things are really getting tough now. I still have not met his mates and vice versa, he's moved house and I've never been invited back to his new place - even though when we are together it feels so close and intimate, so much fun and he's so loving towards me, really like a love relationship. But as far as getting answers to my questions are concerned and understanding why this is such a weird relationship is concerned, communication seems to have completely broken down. Any time I ask questions about things I don't understand and why I feel so peripheral he pulls away and tells me I and talking 'nonsense' and have 'emotional issues' that he doesn't want 'taking over his life'. Surely my questions are reasonable though? Surely in *any* friendship, platonic, same sex, even acquaintances to a certain extent I should by now have had an invite back to his new house, met some of his mates, and he's been at least willing to meet some of mine?
What the hell should I do? My logical side is screaming 'leave, walk away, he's a b*st*rd', but my emotional side is still desperately in love with him and just can't. I am between a rock and a hard place and have no idea what to do. Help please!

I think you KNOW what you need to do, you just don't want to have to do it because it's going to be hard and painful.
Nothing's going to change with this guy...if I had to guess, I'd say he either has another woman (or women) that he sees and so doesn't want his friends to know about you, or he wants to keep you completely separate from the rest of his life because, well, he doesn't want you to become part of it and he doesn't want to become part of yours.
Unless you can somehow really be ok with the way things are (because they CLEARLY are not going to change!) ending this is the only thing you can do.
Sheri
Sheri you are right, but for various reasons I don't have a very big support network (only child, parents and only aunt/uncle deceased unfortunately, no cousins etc.) and whilst I do have friends I am quite a shy person so not that many of them are the kind of really strong, deep friends I feel I could ask for unconditional support while I break away from him. It's heartbreaking to have to do this almost alone and only makes the pain even more unbearable. Add to the mix I am almost 40 now and childless, and therefore I feel 'old' and 'unmarketable' as far as the dating market goes, which means I have little confidence I will be able to find another long term partner (which is what I want) once I have taken the necessary time to recover from this one.
How and where do I find the support I need to walk away from him, especially to maintain no contact, and to help me to get through the pain of his rejection and the loneliness I know I will feel after he's gone? It just feels way too hard for one person to bear :-(
....."How and where do I find the support I need to walk away from him, especially to maintain no contact, and to help me to get through the pain of his rejection and the loneliness I know I will feel after he's gone? It just feels way too hard for one person to bear :-(".....
In addition to Sandra's suggestion of getting support here, I've found that working with a good counselor is invaluable when I am going through something difficult and need support.
Sheri
As I mentioned I have no family and my support network consists probably only of a few people (less than 5) who I feel I could ask for help, and that actually includes a counsellor I have been seeing to try to sort out this mess and make sense of it anyway. Of course speaking to her helps but that costs me money and whilst I can afford to do so on a regular basis every day would be too expensive for me.
The trouble is I know I will need to speak to someone at least once *every day* to give me enough strength not to give in on this one. But as you say I also have to be mindful of imposing too much on my friends' time. Given that fact where do I find the support when I need it most at times like those? I am not strong enough at the moment to ride a 'down' on my own without giving in and contacting him. I truly fell in love with this guy - I thought at the start he was the love of my life - and I can't let go of that easily however much I can see he isn't treating me right.
And how do I find support when I come home alone and my friends aren't able to help for whatever reason and I have the huge temptation of email and text (and message boards relating to our shared interest) to contact him or try to find references to what he's doing? I can't give up the shared interest we have (where I met him) either - it's a big part of my social life so I know I will see him at times even if I try not to.
This is all so so hard :-((( This board will help I'm sure but I just don't think I will be able to resist not contacting him.
Well, if you don't think you can resist, then you won't be able to. Your mindset is probably the most important part of the battle. It's like giving up smoking or not eating a particular food or anything else...you can get support from other people, but at the end of the day, it's your inner strength and the decision to NOT do the thing any more, and to stick to that decision, that gets you through it, one day at a time.
Why not ask your counselor for suggestions on how to get through this? I bet the two of you can come up with a plan. One thought that occurs to me is that you might add CODA meetings to your arsenel of support--depending on where you live, you might be able to find daily meetings.