Dealing with the anger
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 12-11-2005 - 1:59pm |
I am just so, so angry with my ex and really having a hard time dealing with the anger. It just infuriates me so that he could just stop talking to me without any sort of a breakup or anything after a year and a half. It is especially gauling because he is the type of person who claims that once he lets people into his life, they are there for good, that we would always be friends even if we weren't together as a couple, blah, blah, blah. But he doesn't even have the courtesy or decency to make a phone call or write an email to tell me it's over...he just disappears. That cruel behavior is so foreign to me that I just can't get my mind around how someone could do that...let alone someone I loved.
I don't know how to deal with the anger. It is a constant presence and it is SO uncomfortable. I know it's one of the stages of grief and that the only way out is through...but it's such a HUGE part of this particular breakup because of the incredibly disrespectful way he ended it.
I feel like I have been negated as a person. And there's nothing I can do...I can't force him to have a breakup talk with me, unless I fly to Houston from Seattle and track him down but of course I'm not going to do anything so desperate and dramatic.
I just wish I could fast-forward through this. But I know from experience that I can't...I have to feel it and endure it. Ugh.
Sheri

Pages
Sheri,
I don't really have any advice for you, but I just wanted to send some support your way...
You've always been there for everyone else on this board and have given me a ton of great advice--even though I haven't always wanted to hear it! :) I'm sorry to hear that your ex did such a horrible thing, and my heart goes out to you.
I'm sure you're in a lot of pain. Luckily, you're a very strong and intelligent woman and I know that you will make it through this and turn out even better in the end. You know that eventually this too will pass...even the anger you're currently feeling will fade away. It sucks that your ex didn't have the decency to end things in a more respectful manner, but at least now you know he's lacking some important qualities. You deserve better, and I'm sure you realize that.
Of course, knowing that doesn't exactly make the anger disappear right away. And I can totally understand what you meant when you wrote that you were also angry with yourself. It's only natural to feel disappointed when things don't turn out the way we hope, and to wonder if maybe we could have done things differently somehow. But we all make mistakes sometimes; all we can do is learn from them. Please don't blame yourself...if there's one thing I've learned, it's that some people are very good at hiding who they truly are--particularly in long-distance relationships!
You've told me numerous times that getting over a breakup takes three things: 1) time, 2) no contact, and 3) acceptance that you aren't right for each other. Well, since you've already got the no contact thing down, just give it some time and be relieved that you don't have to waste anymore of your time on someone who obviously holds little respect for you. Take kickboxing lessons, or do other forms of exercise...go on a trip, clear your mind. Spend times with friends and family...surround yourself with people who love and respect you, and who make you realize that it's really HIS loss. I'm sure you'll eventually realize that you are indeed better off in the end.
Sheri you have helped so many here..it's your turn to get support.
First of all several of us are or were in LD relationships. Man, they are draining and honestly unless people lived together or had a long term first and then the LD started, I think LD is nearly impossible. Men need/like sex. I know it's sexist. I too like/need sex. But I was older so had sown my oats..mine had not.
For me, forgiveness was key. I forgave myself for things that went wrong and forgave him...I had SO much anger. Man, I called once and he was at some one night stand's house in her bathroom. I flipped..
That's when I realized it was time to let it all out..I went outside for a swim and screamed and yelled and cried. Once driving I was yelling and getting all kinds of crap out of my heart...Now, I can breathe again. And can really feel the forgiveness.
People will not behave as we wish them to behave. Sadly people do not always have manners and act in accordance to our values and wishes. But that does not mean he didn't care for you or love you. Maybe communications are not his strenght. I think you said he mentioned this? Also he was evicted due to a storm. That is hugely traumatic. He has to take care of him. His basic needs were not met due to the effects of a natural disaster..he is in survival mode.
Anyway, in time please forgive him so you can let go.
Sheri, I also just want to express my support since you've been so present throughout my travails. While my recent ordeal hardly constitutes a breakup on the scale of anything women on this board are going through, I am also feeling the sting caused by not having the answers. I don't know if it would help or just hurt more to know what was really going through his mind.
Anyway, this is something (and you seem to realize this) that you will walk away from and put behind you. It's just hard because you're in the thick of it right now, and it sucks!! I've been both inspired and heartbroken reading some of the threads on this board, but if there's anything I'm sure of now about breakups, it's that when you know it's over and the emotions are raw, it's best to experience them and move on without bringing the guy back into your life. I understand being tempted to, whether to get answers or just make him squirm one last time, I really, really do. I'm actually going to talk to my therapist today about why, even when we know the best thing for us is to move on and not look back, it's SO exceedingly difficult to do so. If I learn anything useful, I'll pass it along.
You're right to feel anger, but those feelings will subside and eventually you'll be free of the maddening feelings and back to yourself. I told a friend I'm toward the end of the cycle of anger-sadness-acceptance-growth and she said, at this rate we're all gonna grow so much we'll be huge!!
Best,
SBC
Sheri,
As you stated in your post, you have experienced this before, so you know you have to suck it up and go thru it. You have to remember too, this is holiday season, and feelings and emotions are high sometimes, and they can affect our way of thinking. You are a strong woman, and right now, you might be weak, but it's normal, and we all go thru this. You have given such good advice, and as you can see from all the people who responded to your post, we all know your potential, and we all know your a strong woman. You have to go thru this, and there's no stopping it. Go thru it, and you know once you accept what has happened, it would be smooth sailing from that point. I'm sorry your going thru this, especially during the holiday season. But it will get better. Take it from me, the 1 year NC woman. I made it, and even though I'm not out of the woods yet, I'm closer to a greenier pastuer. Happy Holidays, and go out and buy a pair of shoes and a purse. You know shopping makes women feel good!!!!You deserve it, and if this helps, remember, he's not contacting your now, and your holding down the NC too. One day he will think of you, and think about how he did you wrong, and he will call you, ONE DAY!!!! It may take years, but by then, you will be so strong, and probably in a healthy relationship, that you won't even care. I guarantee you, it will happen!!! From experience, "YOU WILL CROSS HIS PATH ONE DAY", and you can say whatever you want to him at that time. It won't affect you one bit! Keep us posted, and remember, us posters, are here for you.
Thank you so much to all of you who posted. I really appreciate the support and caring.
I think this weekend was particularly tough because I had a rebound fling that ended unexpectedly (he's moving back to CA in a month, which I knew and had prepared myself for, but he decided to end it a month early because he's too overwhelmed with all the things he has to do to get ready), so all the unresolved feelings from my LD ex backed up on me. I also was frustrated with myself because I should have ended it long before this (some of you may recall that I did this past summer, but then the hurricane happened and we started talking again and I let myself get sucked back in). The ironic thing is, I was *prepared* to end it when we had our last talk a month ago--it was basically a "fish or cut bait" talk from my perspective, but he said all the right things about wanting to continue and re-commit, so I decided to give him a chance to do the things he said he was going to do. So for him to say all those things, then somehow decide to just stop talking to me, was particularly hurtful and angering.
It's also been exacerbated by the fact that he has extremely high blood pressure and other health problems, so of course I'm worried about him, and he KNOWS how I worry...but I'm too embarrassed to call his sister and find out if he's ok (if it turns out that he's fine, and just not calling me, which is probably the case), and I figure if something had really happened to him, someone would call me, if only because I was showing up so frequently on his phone before I gave up trying.
Anyway...onwards and upwards. I know in time the anger will fade and I appreciate the suggestions on how to deal with it in the meantime.
Sheri
Hi sheri
I don't know your story from the beginning, but i do know you have been of a constant help to me with mine. I know this doesn't help, but remember this....people deal with their feelings in different ways. i thought my ex could care less, had moved on, and i even created that he was with someone else, in my mind, and lo and behold he writes a letter that he is hurting and misses me to death even though we can't be together. my point is, i can totally understand the anger, i felt the exact same way. How could he cut me out of his life like that? how can he just pretend our relationship never existed. everyday i got angrier and angrier. the reality is, he didn't. he didn't forget and thinks about it all the time according to his letter but i would have never known because he deals with things differently then i do.
Just know this, and this is something that has helped me....I don't WANT to be with someone who can turn off their feelings, or at least push them aside just like that. i want someone who is willing to fight for me every step of the way. this thinking has helped me and i hope it can help you too
Sounds like there were expectations, hopes, dreams and assumptions at the subliminal level attached to this - some validation issues in it.
I mean most people realize when they split up - particularly in this type of distance, it'd be hard to maintain anything but a casual platonic friendship.
Every day that people spend apart - if they're proactive, self-aware, and self-responsible - they're still growing, evolving, and maturing as individuals. So you're going to grow apart - because you won't be sharing as much about your "changes"...as a result of distance, and a lesser status relationship.
Most women realize in making friends with men as equals....that at some point the friendship easily COULD end....if the man chooses to be with someone that is uncomfortable with the friendshp, it could end permanently or for a short period oftime, and even if that isn't the reality overall, his infatuation with her and time spent with her would leiminate him from social and platonic involvements of any sort - shift in priorities.
Is that what happened.....that he met someone and is dating her, isn't contacting you as much, and you're "upset" that he's left you - for her.......or that nobody would cease their female friendships "for you" and he did for her?
Just a thought - could be way off base.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Hi Erin,
I have no idea if he's seeing someone else...I have no idea what's happening, period. It's not a matter of not contacting me "as much"...he has disappeared *completely*, without any indication as to why, following a conversation in which he said he wanted to recommit to a romantic relationship (not a platonic friendship) with me. That's the thing that's upsetting me so much...a breakup, I can deal with (it's not *fun*, but I know how to do that, having had lots of practice, unfortunately ;-))...but the complete disappearing act, especially after that conversation, is so much harder.
I expected better from someone I cared about (like an actual, civil breakup conversation)...that was my mistake. He obviously isn't that person. I know I will eventually get to the point of accepting that, in my heart as well as my head...I'm just really angry at the way he chose to end things.
Sheri
HOnestly sounds to me like you're upset that you made his miscalculation in terms of his character.
Basically, anybody that says they want to recommit to a relationship that has that much distance, effort, and money involved....they're not wanting a 'relationship' by conventional terms and standards.
Most people I know that are actively seeking a partner...want someone who wants at the right point to live together, to maybe marry (marry gets iffy as you get older - money becomes the issue), but to have daily cohabitational interaction and involvement.
That's what they "want"...they call that a relationship and nothing else....so when they hit the word relationship and someone doesn't share that dynamic and definition - they're confused, or in denial.
I personally have said - having done it for 6 years - that anything "long distance" needs to be considered more like an affair than a relationship. Not because anyody is seeing other people, or committed elsewhere...but distance means you have to plan and prepare to see one another, so when you do get together there is very little except "romance, vacation, excitement" as an atmosphere. IF it can be done after you go - it waits. IF it could be handled before you arrive it is.
So for me, anybody telling me that they want to reconnect and rekindle the romantic aspect of what we've got - with that kind of distance/effort/time/sacrifice involved to do it - is saying "let's get back to the benefits when its agenda convenient - let's just not be "friends".
I do know people that are married - live on separate coasts, see one another eevery month - and that is precisely how they want it...and have openly admitted only half joking that when the day comes that they're both retired - they might find they can't live together because they've never really wanted daily contact, interact, and friction with another person - which is why this relationship style works for them.
So I think you're mad that you "bought" into a line that you knew subliminally wasn't "right' according to your interpretation.
If I didn't know you better, what I'd say if you were a first poster and i read it is that neither of you really want a daily interactive dynamic relationship. That's why the distance appeals, and it allows you to be independent and do and pursue your own things, and there's enough distance that gettig to know one aother is going to take enough time to make it likely you two would split up - due to expense and effort....before anybody got too attached.
But I know you are wanting someone to date on a regular basis, and have contact with interactively on a regular basis, and probably live with and marry. At which point I'd wonder why you're looking at someone in Houston Texas - unless you're planning to move there- whether it works out or not.
Because there's plenty of women in Houston he could have easily dated...and he chose not to. HE chose ot date someone at the other end of the country not becuase you're so great -he didn't know that at first....but because the whole "situation and dynamic' appealed.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Pages