Dealing with the anger
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| Sun, 12-11-2005 - 1:59pm |
I am just so, so angry with my ex and really having a hard time dealing with the anger. It just infuriates me so that he could just stop talking to me without any sort of a breakup or anything after a year and a half. It is especially gauling because he is the type of person who claims that once he lets people into his life, they are there for good, that we would always be friends even if we weren't together as a couple, blah, blah, blah. But he doesn't even have the courtesy or decency to make a phone call or write an email to tell me it's over...he just disappears. That cruel behavior is so foreign to me that I just can't get my mind around how someone could do that...let alone someone I loved.
I don't know how to deal with the anger. It is a constant presence and it is SO uncomfortable. I know it's one of the stages of grief and that the only way out is through...but it's such a HUGE part of this particular breakup because of the incredibly disrespectful way he ended it.
I feel like I have been negated as a person. And there's nothing I can do...I can't force him to have a breakup talk with me, unless I fly to Houston from Seattle and track him down but of course I'm not going to do anything so desperate and dramatic.
I just wish I could fast-forward through this. But I know from experience that I can't...I have to feel it and endure it. Ugh.
Sheri

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I don't know if you were on the boards when this first started and evolved (although I think you were)...but from the beginning, we got involved with the understanding that he was open to leaving NOLA and moving to Seattle so that we *could* get to know each other in person (when we met, he said he was only living in NOLA due to his father's illness and wanted to leave anyway; he evacuated to Houston after Katrina, btw).
After a bunch of visits back and forth, he actually did make plans to move here at the end of last year (with the idea that we would see if we were compatible day to day, not jump right into marriage or anything), and then he backed down because of his mom still needing him so soon after his father's death, etc. (is any of this ringing a bell?). That's when I should have ended it...but I gave him too much benefit of the doubt due to his dad's death and all that he was going through. I finally did end it in July (after he came up here one more time in May) but then the hurricane happened and I let my concern for him allow me to get involved again.
But yes, the idea that he got involved with me *because* of the distance is certainly one that has occurred to me and that probably has a lot of truth to it.
Sheri
Yes, I have tried, numerous times (I've given up now though). And his phone status changed often enough (you know how you can tell when a cell phone is off or on, or when a call gets sent to voicemail) that I do think he's ok...he's just not talking to me.
Plus, as I previously posted, surely one of his family members would have called me or answered the phone if he *weren't* ok.
Sheri
I am so sorry that you are going through this. You have offered many of us such good and wise advice and I want to support you in this difficult time. Your anger has two folds: You are angry at him for his current behavior and you are angry at yourself for misjudging his character. One of the best ways for me to handle anger is to redirect the angry energy and make something positive out of it. Something that helps you become a better person inside and outside. Just remember that he is the one with the issues, it's not you. You don't deserve this kind of treatment. You deserve so much better. From all of your posts, I can see that you are a very kind person with a good heart and it is his lost. Hang in there.
I just wanted to send you a little message of support, even though I don't have any earth-shattering advice to give you. You know, it's so easy to look back now and see all the signs that we *should* have seen at the time. But when things are happening, it's easy to accept what we're being told. The things that he told you aren't wild and beyond belief and at some point, you have to make the decision to trust a person. We can't live our lives not trusting anyone. So the fault is entirely his--he's the one who is acting like a jerk, he's the one that told lies or "half-truths" or whatever you want to call them. So I hope you don't spend a lot of time thinking about what you should have seen/said/done/not done. I understand exactly how you are feeling.
Hugs, Laura
Thanks...I am trying to find the fine line between seeing my errors and what I could have done differently so I can learn from the experience, but not focusing on them to the point that I am taking too much blame and responsibility for it and beating myself up.
One of my best friends met my ex on one of his visits and has followed the saga...and he reminded me this weekend that my ex did and said a lot to keep me hooked in...it wasn't all in my head in other words. But one of my biggest relationship issues is the difficulty I have in letting go once I'm emotionally attached to someone, and he starts behaving in ways that are indicative of him not being a good match for me. I always give too much of the benefit of the doubt, have too much faith that someone can and will change (even in the face of overwhelming odds to the contrary ;-)). I know *why* that is (from counseling), I just haven't figured out a solution yet that works every time (although I'm getting *much* better at not starting relationships in the first place that have red flags--not perfect, but better). But hopefully whatever lessons I can learn from this will help me detach sooner the next time I'm faced with this situation. It would have been easier (not easy, but easiER) to move on if I'd bit the bullet and ended it myself instead of having this happen. But hindsight is 20/20, isn't it ;-)!
Sheri
My view, coming at it SO from the other side of the old me position.
I remember 4 times - totally uprooting my child, our living location and standards, my jobs, etc. etc....the list was endless - because "a relationship' was going to make me what i wasn't and offer me what I didn't already have. (NOT THAT YOU'RE THINKING THAT WAY BY ANY MEANS - please continue to read!)
And when I got my life together I realized all that really had ever meant was that I had nothing invested in me or in my future by personal definition and effort and requirement that was of value to me. Why else would my time, energy, assets, $$, and my entire agenda be able to be dictated by the "possibilities" someone was offering me without me getting clarification about what it would require and demand of me........I wsan't invested in me - that was why!
So now, anybody that would uproot where they are I see it pretty much for what it is.......they really haven't taken the time to create anything they value where they are OR......they've taken the time to learn about themselves and what meets their existential and fundamental needs so that they aren't 'trapped" in any particular location or situation or relationship in order to find it (that's a good thing, but it's rare).
It took while - you'll get this.....I've been in some life threatening and potentially life ending situations with one particular solo boat......that solo boat was the vehicle to myself, it was the window to my world, it couldn't be lost or else I'd be lost - that was my view of it.
The day I almost did die, and had to let it go - I got the picture. You'd better get attached to "paddling the boat" - not owning the sucker - because you insisting on owning it at the bottom of a flooded river almost got you dead.
And because I got the lesson.......I also got the boat back, I firmly believe in the HIgher Power!
So I've taken that approach in life with people and with entities - I don't get attached to what'll be maybe....if what is doesn't cut it and it's pretty aparent based on the windows to our values and goals called our lifestyles that we're not compatible - I just don't get attached to what "could be" - I enjoy what is for what it is - and that's the end of that.
But, I also had the reality that the man that appealed to me 6 years ago and still does - a huge part of that appeal originally was found in the "distance" physically between us. It meant I couldn't live vicariously thru him, or become involved and intertwined to my own destruction or "loss of self" with his life...that it still doesn't disturb me let's me know I'm simply not really ready to have daily interaction and friction and impact in cohabitation...love him to death....migth never live with him or any closer than 300 miles away - just fine with me. I'll know when it' snot....and if he's not moving by his own choice at that point - I'll move on.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
I'm exactly the same way. When I have invested in a relationship, any relationship, and become attached, I find it very hard to see the signs that it's not going to be a good one. You just don't want to think about all of your time, energy and emotion going for naught. I gave the benefit of the doubt more times than I can count and trusted when I knew I shouldn't. The positive that I hope will come out of this is that I will be able to recognize that behavior in the future and change it in myself.
Hugs, Laura
we're here for you , Sheri..........your inspiration has helped me so much (my one month disappearing man saga)..........and I really look up to you............
sorry you're in pain, I wish you could be a little kinder to yourself.
I just want to say thank you again to *everyone* who posted...I didn't get a chance to answer each post individually, but they ALL meant a lot to me!
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!
It's still going to take a while to get past this anger, and I'm sure it will go away and come again (the stages of grief never seem to pass just once ;-)), but I am feeling a bit better today. Each day of no contact will help also, although the holiday season makes it rough of course. But I have some fun things planned and even a date for NYE!
Sheri
Hi, Sheri-
I am sorry that you hurt so much. It is a deep amd constant pain, I know. I hope that today is more peaceful for you. I wish I could offer you more, but I have woken up in a realllly bad place today. Just hanging by a thread.Love, Donna
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