Dealing with the anger

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Dealing with the anger
42
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 1:59pm

I am just so, so angry with my ex and really having a hard time dealing with the anger. It just infuriates me so that he could just stop talking to me without any sort of a breakup or anything after a year and a half. It is especially gauling because he is the type of person who claims that once he lets people into his life, they are there for good, that we would always be friends even if we weren't together as a couple, blah, blah, blah. But he doesn't even have the courtesy or decency to make a phone call or write an email to tell me it's over...he just disappears. That cruel behavior is so foreign to me that I just can't get my mind around how someone could do that...let alone someone I loved.

I don't know how to deal with the anger. It is a constant presence and it is SO uncomfortable. I know it's one of the stages of grief and that the only way out is through...but it's such a HUGE part of this particular breakup because of the incredibly disrespectful way he ended it.

I feel like I have been negated as a person. And there's nothing I can do...I can't force him to have a breakup talk with me, unless I fly to Houston from Seattle and track him down but of course I'm not going to do anything so desperate and dramatic.

I just wish I could fast-forward through this. But I know from experience that I can't...I have to feel it and endure it. Ugh.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2005
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 12:46pm

Sheri,


just keep taking things one day at a time......


if you ever need an escape , I'm here in the Atlantic City area;

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2005
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 7:11pm

You're right an email would have been better than nothing. I just don't think he could face you and tell because he knew how you'd react. He's not worthy of you!

I'm so angry is an alright statement to make. You'll work through the stages of grieving. You'll make it.

Chris

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 7:21pm

Thanks...it is getting better...I'm not as boiling, red-hot mad as I was 10 days ago or so when I first wrote this post, but I am still angry.

Giving up trying to contact him, trying to force him to give me something, *anything*, so I could move on, has helped. It's been over five weeks now since our last conversation so obviously it's over and done in his mind even though he didn't have the decency to inform ME of that. I actually have stretches where I realize that I haven't thought about him for like a whole hour ;-) at a time, so that's *something* ;-).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2005
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 7:53pm

Hi Sheri,


It's getting a bit better for me , too.........(with my obsessive thoughts about the "one month wonder", that turkey of a guy!)


I don't think about him

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 8:19pm

Hey there, yes, I have to say that I would appreciate getting an apology from my ex so I do think you are fortunate that yours apologized. I am working on accepting that I will probably never get one from my ex which is a bitter pill to swallow but what can you do....

I've gotten pretty good at thought-stopping when I need to concentrate (at work or whatever) so a rubber band isn't really necessary at this point but I appreciate the suggestion ;-) (I always found that visualizing a big red stop sign worked well for me, too).

I'm glad you have found askmen.com message boards to be helpful...I have to say that every time I've visited those boards, I've found most of the advice given on that site to be pretty poor, but if it helped you then that is what counts!

I have the new Greg Behrendt book and keep it on my bedside table ;-)...I've recommended it a number of times on this board and others. I had a ticket to see him and Amiira when they were in Seattle back in October but had to miss it due to work (grrr)...I heard it was very good and funny.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2005
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 11:15pm

I'm finding the no contact part the hardest. I get the urge to pick up the phone and call him sometimes. But if was really interested in me, he would contact me.

You are making progress if you can make it an hour between thoughts of him... Keep woking at it. They tell me that it does get easier. :-)
Chris

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2005
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 6:51am

I'm sorry I'm so late getting to this post.....

I can't even begin to imagine how it must feel. It is so hard for me to understand how some people operate. It's something I think about a lot....how differently everyone handles things.

I hope you can somehow get some closure on this. Have you called him to hash it out? I think sometimes just writing a letter and letting all my feelings out makes me feel that closure I need.....knowing I've said everything I needed to say.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 11:12am

Thanks Kerstynclare. Yes, I've tried calling, emailing, texting...you name it. I just couldn't believe he would do this to me. But I've given up now...as of almost 2 weeks ago. The day I originally posted this, I sent him a very angry email...not nasty, but angry...and I feel much better having said my piece. I told him that if he ever has the courage and decency to contact me and apologize, I would appreciate that, but I'm not holding my breath...someone who would do this cruel thing isn't someone who's likely to apologize.

The hardest thing is (as I have posted previously) feeling I've been negated as a person....that after a year and a half, he doesn't feel I'm even worth the few minutes it would take to call or even email and break up with me. Well, that, and realizing that a person you love is capable of such breathtaking cruelty.

Anyway, I'm working through the anger and I hope it passes soon...it's very hard for me to deal with.

Thanks again for posting.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 11:24am

Sheri,

By reading and helping us all out so much, you do know that it really does not help at all to hear the breakup speach and not understand a word of it either.

You know now that he is a coward - that is an unforgivable trait. And although yes, you absolutely deserve the respect of being told in person or at least told of the situation - it is also true that if that had occured you would not be feeling any better whatsoever.

So either ways, we go through hell. The only things is, you lack closure. Who says that closure comes from a "final" talk or call or email? There must be other ways. Maybe others have some idea as to how you can find that closure elsewhere.

Hugs,
Ash

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 12:07pm

Oh, I'm not saying at all that ending this wouldn't have still been painful if we *had* had a breakup talk, but at least I wouldn't feel so completely disrespected. So it's a matter of degree...but having gone through many breakups I can tell you this is definitely worse...if only because for the first week or two I didn't even realize we WERE broken up...how humiliating! I have had "good" breakups (well as good as they can be--but by which I mean there was respect and communication and empathy) and while they are painful, it is easier to move on from those (at least for me, there's not as much anger).

But yes, I do need to get my own closure...and I will, eventually, through accepting that a person who would do this to me isn't someone I would want to be with anyway. I have "accepted" that intellectually, but it's going to take my heart a while to catch up (which is what the whole grieving process is about).

Sheri