Dealing with Break up Need some help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Dealing with Break up Need some help!
9
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 8:58am

I just want to say that Ive made 4 days of no contact with him!! It actually feels good that I could do it!! SO WHATS MY PROBLEM???

I suppose I thought he would call me wondering if Im alive, maybe miss me a little. The worst part in all of it is that no matter how much I love him and miss him..I can never go back to what we had. He has committment issues and has admitted that to me. He treated me badly, he left me 4 times now in 18 months!

Why do I want to hear from him????

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 9:22am

jerseygirl2006...

PG thinks that you know the answer already because you wrote it yourself!

"...no matter how much I love him and miss him...I can never go back to what we had!"

Don't you think being "abandoned for something or someone else' 4 TIMES IN 18 MONTHS is ENOUGH?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 9:38am

Piano Guy,


Your right! I know the anwser I guess Im trying to get beyond the pain.
Dont know how much you read I have a thread on here titled "dumped by a committment phob"..... With just knowing that, Im sure you can imagine how many times he hurt me, disappointed me, left me on the bottom of the list, even when we together and not apart.

Why when my cell just rang did I ran the steps as fast I could...thinking it maybe him. Am I glutton for punishment!??

He admitted to me this time (finally) that he had a problem. He said that his divorce 4 years did something to him emotionally. He cant stay in a relationship or love me or anyone else for that matter. (I knew it myself for a long time, I could see it but wouldnt let go) The way he handled the breakup with me was mean, cruel, disrespectful, like the prank of a 15 year old, and by the way the man is 40 years old.

The next day he asked me to not call or contact him until things cool down, that he thinks we both said things we didnt mean, and thats when he admitted his problem to me. He promised he would call me soon to talk. I dont know what hes telling me????? It sounds like he cant commit to leaving me either!!

I guess its the good parts of us that I miss, but not the bad. I suppose that and the fact he hasnt called along with everything else is basically pointless.....because I know if I take him back this will happen again and again and Ill never be happy nor have an ounce of self respect left for myself. SO WHY THEN am I pondering upon this and having so much trouble letting him go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 1:02pm

a lot of people have said that the thing people have the most difficult time letting go of, regardless of whether they realize this, is the dream and plans for the future. it's not going to be something you're going to get over in a short time. once i realized that, i have had less anxiety about things and more feelings of "it is what it is, and i will get through it." hope that the future has good things in store for you--because it does.

you're not a glutton for punishment because you ran up the stairs hoping for him to be the one calling you. believe me, i know how that feels, we've all been there in one way or another. for example, i asked my ex to stop constantly calling and emailing me, and when he finally listened, i was SO sad. what is that? i am the one who asked him to stop!!

try to focus on the bad, not the good, or you will be stuck wishing you were still in the relationship, that's how it was for me. it sounds like there are many things you could focus on. make a list and keep it with you, it will help!!

i also think one of the most difficult things to deal with is that your emotions can change so very frequently. i remember in the very beginning stages of my break up, one minute i was fine and would have so much hope and the next minute (almost literally), i would be in tears thinking i would never get through this. know that it does get easier, each day will be easier. you are doing the right things and you will be ok. take care!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 1:15pm

::I suppose I thought he would call me wondering if Im alive, maybe miss me a little.

Our egos want to know we weren't dimissed or forgotten. But if he called, the problem is, you'd read more into than him 'just checking on you'. It would give you false hope.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 8:32am

Well I heard from him last night. And to make the story short and sweet, he once again behaved like a child and a coward, not a man of 40 years old. He sent me a text message and then went to online chatting to get me to hear him out. I went along with the online thing, and I dont regret it. I did it because he pissed me off!! He actually had the nerve to make it sound like it was all my fault, and that hes had enough.

I reminded him he was the drunk that night, that hurt me with his words and actions...putting this pretend new woman he met on the phone then texting me in the middle of the night, telling me they were having sex!

He attempted once again to manipulate me, put all the blame on my shoulders, and did what all committment phobs do when they see you had enough and your not playing the game....he apologized and then made an effort to keep the door open for a return with that famous "friends" line!!

OH but of course the "friends" and "Im sorry" didnt come till I told him I cant do this with him anymore, he cant give me what I want so we are best apart and that IM MOVING ON WITH MY LIFE!!

I know hes not gone for good...Ill hear from him again, but I think he was surprised at the stronger woman he found at the other end this time. And surprised that he hasnt heard from me for 5 days....well Im back to no contact and this time I plan on it lasting a lifetime!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 10:37am

Stay strong and this pain will not last a lifetime. It does stink that we can't control who our heart falls in love with, especially, when they are not the right one and this dude is not right for you. You really need to keep NC no matter how hard it is. This "little boy" will keep causing you hurt over and over again and you don't want to show your kids that it is okay for someone to hurt you over and over again.

Also sounds like he likes to get drunk a lot and my ex (who was a committment phob) was just like that. He also has some other issues (mentally and emotionally) that you not need in your life and he has to realize them and get help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2005
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 1:07pm

Jersey Girl,

Keep focusing on your new found resolve. My Ex had gone through AA and during the time we were together, he shared some things with me he learned from being in AA. Ironically, what he shared is helping me get thru no longer being with him:

When change comes about, be it voluntarily or not and you're trying to break a habit (and a lot about long term relationships can be deemed habit, routine, etc.), you must change your people, places, and things. Find new people to hang out with, don't go to the old places (if possible) and the things or habits-replace the ones the 2 of you had together with a new set that's about you, your interests, and happiness. For me, my ex used to call me in the AM, at lunch, and I would call him at night. We were almost always together on Fri & Sat. I can honestly tell you that for awhile, these times have been when it's been hardest for me, but I have resolved to replace things associated with what I had with this person.

Good Luck to you and please feel free to vent anytime.

XO

L

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 1:36pm

I wish I had the answer... I feel EXACTLY the same way today...

My friends are calling and have been all day. I guess maybe they are picking up my vibes.

I'm sad for you... but you know that you shouldn't call because it will be a temporary bandaid for the pain... which is the ONLY thing keeping me from picking up the phone right now. I wish he'd call to see if I'm ok... I'm sure he knows I'm not though because we are very connected that way just based on our close friendship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 8:39pm

I completely agree and trust me, I've done it myself (hmmm about 3 days ago).
I've had little contact with my ex and it sucks. I have my good days and my bad days.
I actuallly WANT to go to work now b/c at least I'm busy.
But really, I want him to call me and I want him to miss me, why wouldn't I. BUT, as much as it sucks I know it makes it harder on me.

I don't know if any of you know too much of my situation but the basics are...
I moved from NY to OH for him 4 yrs ago after meeting 3 yrs before online. We didn't actually meet for 2 yrs then dated for one and I picked up and left my entire family in NY (mom/dad/sister/brother in law/nephews/neice etc).
Friday before New Years this year he decided that "Oops he's sorry I moved here for him b/c he doesn't want a g/f now)
We live together in an apt and his brother lives there too (and our dog)
He's staying at a friends house (or so he says)so we rarely see each other even in passing. It's good but being a female, we always have hopes that it'll work out in the long run no matter how horrible they treat us. If it's meant to be then it'll work out.
I want my relationship (let me clarify, EX relationship) to work but on the other hand ya know I really don't b/c I deserve to be treated better than what I got for the past 4 yrs. I want to grow up finally, at 34 I shouldn't be living in an apt with his loser of a brother who has been unemployed for 7 mths and can't keep a job at 28 yrs old. I want to settle down and have a family and that's not what he wants. He is 33 and has decided that he wants to go what single guys do... wish I knew this 4 yrs ago. Hmmm
Oh well, Today sucked for me but tomorrow is another day and I get to go to work :~)