Dealing with no explanation
Find a Conversation
Dealing with no explanation
| Wed, 03-30-2005 - 9:19am |
I'm still hanging in there. I guess the thing I'm having the most difficulty with is that we didn't talk about what was going wrong, so I got no type of resolution. He just became increasingly distant and indifferent toward me and kept blowing off plans with me at the last minute.
After the last blow off, I decided that was it and I needed to let go, starting with strict no contact. I know I have to reconcile that I'm never going to know exactly what he was thinking and feeling in the days leading up to this.
I know at one time he loved me very much and to have him treat me this way now hurts like hell, but ending things was for the best.

Pages
I totally understand what you are going thru because I am dealing with the same situation. I thought everything was going well with my ex-bf and I until he unexpectedly decided to disappear and completely phase me out of his life as though I was never part of it without any explanation. And when I tried to email or call it was all ignored. I figure he just didn't want to tell me it wasn't working out again--too afraid to be a man and be truthful and honest with me. Instead he decided to be a coward. Trust me it hurts like hell. It's been two months and I still cry everyday...I still hope he will call or email...somehow hoping he realized he made a mistake. But as everyday goes by with no word, I have to face the harsh reality that he has moved on and so should I. He's not thinking of me or feeling bad that he left me wondering what the hell happened? Did I miss something? Did I do something wrong? It's hard when you don't have closure and there are so many questions that will remain unanswered. But you have to let it all out, cry, grief, be angry....and eventually in due time the pain and tears will soon disappear. I have to tell myself this everyday, it's the only way I can get over this. I still have hope though, I guess that will never go away or maybe it will when someone truly special comes into my life and your as well. Just know that you are not alone.
Hope this helps,
Hema
My ex acted a variation of the above as our relationship started to fail.
Best thing I can say is that "breaking up is hard to do" and when an immature person realizes breaking up is the right thing, it comes off as insensitive, cruel, and unresolved. That immaturity leads to insensitivity.
But after dealing with a guy do this to me, and now that I am on the road to be OVER HIM FINALLY, I have to ask whether it was all for the worst??? Its better to have dated and lost than to have married and lost!
I've had to face another ex in my past to break up with him and I was upfront and did not hide. Its not all that hard and at least you know you weren't cruel in the end.
As for all these exes who pulled the fast one, I say they weren't worth it anyway. Who needs someone like that in our lives. These days I look forward to the warm, sunny days and Spring evenings that may let me discover a new love in my life.
CHEERS SPRING, CHEERS!
How long did this relationship go on?
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
We were together for three years.
Tonight, I'm fighting the urge to e-mail and ask him to talk to me, but I will fight it.
Okay, so for how long was everything "good"....and do realize it didn't get "bad" overnight - it was a slow progression.
And is he a good communicator overall, in general - about everything? or does he not communicate honestly or openly well, if at all, and thus a great deal of your "facts' that you ran with - were assumptions based on his actions in light of your expectations and needs.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Last May, we broke up for about three weeks. We ended up meeting in chat one evening, he asked if he could come over and talk to me and I said yes. Long story short, we decided to try things again.
Since then, I admit I've been more insecure about the relationship because every time I wouldn't hear from him for a few days, I'd think he was upset and things were over.
No, he isn't a good communicator at all. His approach is the silent treatment, which I can't stand. The last few weekends I would e-mail and ask about getting together and he would not answer me until late the night before. Then he would just not confirm and I'd have no idea what was going on.
It still bothers me to not be able to talk to him, but what other choice do I have?
hi amytct-
i read your post and it was deja vu all over again for me. i went through the same thing in november of last year and i don't think i have ever been so hurt before. i thought he was the "one." so when he did the vansihing act, which had initially started when he moved an hour away, i was devestated. i thought he was just stressed out by the move. for two weeks i called and e-mailed him but heard nothing. i am realizing even though we both really liked each other how he delt with his stress was not healthy.
i still hope that someday we will see each other again. but ask yourself do you really want to be treated like that especially when you go through the hard times (as all relationships do).
it is so hard not knowing why he made those decisions, but in the end you will be much better off. you will find someone that loves you and would never entertain the thought of ignoring you and the relationship.
good luck!
Thanks gracie! I do hope you're right and that I eventually fall in love again. I haven't given up on men completely :)
I have thought a lot about the way he's been treating me and I know that I don't deserve it. When we broke up the last time, he said he wasn't sure if we had a future and that the fact that we didn't like the same foods (he would eat nearly anything while I'm not big on ethnic foods) and that I don't ride a bike (which he does every weekend, often going on daylong bike rides with three co-workers) meant we didn't spend enough time together.
The truth of the matter is that the reason we didn't spend any time together is him, not me. If you want to be with someone, you make time for them, plain and simple.
Like I said, it's hard to accept that someone you love doesn't want to be with you, but accept I must.
Thanks again for your message. Take care.
Here's what I'd venture as a guess/explanation.
You two didn't share the same definition of relationship, you weren't looking for the same things to be a result in your lives as a result of a relationship, so you didn't share too many values, priorities, goals and standards in life. In short, your individual lives either aren't personally well defined, created, pursued and complete so that you didn't know that....or else the disparity in your personal lifestyles had you both thinking "what that other person has I want"....not realizing tha to have what it is they have in thier lives - you have to take heir approach - which is primarily opposite from what you've each been doing on an individual level.
But what you had was spark and chemistry, and you at least had the desire for "a relationship". He might have too....only his definition of a great relationship might have been someone that did things his way, was available to him for his needs on his terms and schedule - without him having to give much to them, except based on his desire to do so...which was entirely sparked by how "gratified" he was to be in receivership of something that you had.
So over time...infatuation which lasts 3-9 months (infatuation: your desire for me makes me feel so great about myself I can't get enough of your attention) faded as it always will.
Instead of it being replaced by a genuine respect, admiration, acceptance and trust of one another after reviewing thier character and values......you simply wanted to "feel" you did in te beginnning of the relationship - about yourself, and you associate "feeling positive about yourself" with his presence. So you hung in there.
Slowly during the period of infatuation....you got hooked on the feeling of "I lik eme so much thanks to him"...and he got hooked on youo being there to meet his needs, on his terms, for his benefit....without having to do much but "lay there and get gratification."
That was both of your definitions of "great relationship" in the beginning. However, that almost always changes when one person is primarily giving, expending, sacrificing, and exerting efforts on the other's behalf. Most of the time, that is done initially because you're so delighted about how you feel becuase of his attention...which segways without observation into "I want that feel back that you used to inspire in me"...and so you give, give, give....in order to get that feeeling.
That's "illogical" reasoning. It's not realistic or inteliigent to give to "get" something to result that has not been discussed and agreed to and thoroughly defined. In relationships - you're supposed to treat this person because of how you view thier character and their values, at all times.....and that will having you consistently giving to them, and also requiring of them...with an immediate reassessment if what you "get" ceases to be existent.
But the more that you invested in "getting that feeling back" - the more you want the investment of this relationship, as you define it and have been working towards it being - to "become reality".
And here's his reality of that relationship. On his terms, for his needs, with no regard for your needs at all- he has interaction, benefits, sex, convenience, options and opportunities. Now, he was being consistent....he always treated you "how he felt about you" -and in the beginning infatuation had him feeling positive about you - so he treated you nicely and appeared to be considerate. In reality, he was just acting graciously in accordance with his feelings about your attention - not you.
After infatuation faded and "benefits, options, providership, and comfort" were the norm at your effort and ability.....he then expected more and more his life to be easier to life, and things to be easier on him. There's only so easy you can make osmeone's life......you can't control life's situations, and you can't determine his involvements and actions and results.
So when "life" ceased to be a great thing as he viewed it thanks to your attention and efforts, he treated you again how he 'felt" about you. You were no longer the 'great provider" that he thought of benefits, ease, and comfort and options....and you were no longer "gratifying' to him emotionally becuase your attention had become de riguer and it was expected and demanded - not appreciated and thus gratifying and enjoyable.
So over time, he viewed you as someone to interact with sporadically....because you'd taught him that you're a never ending source of benefits, pleasure, options, and convenience to him - at no charge and no obligation. But whenever anything else came up that was more fun to do - no matter how last minute - he took that option.
He was never "in a relationship with YOU"...he was in alliance with the benefits being with you, or anybody else, provided. And once those ceased by his way of perceiving it - he was outta there.
He didn't break it off, because he didn't need to. You weren't requiring him to consider you equally, or meet your needs. Your entire requirement of him was "please let me serve you in some way to allow for interaction". He was willing to do that. whenever what you were good at doing or providing came up - he allowed you to serve him. That got you the interaction...and it had you believing "things can change if I just give to the equation."
So in the future, realize that while infatuation is in every healthy relationship - the dynamic a relationsnhip starts in - it stays in. And also realize osmething else - no action another person takes is ever primarily "for, with/about/towards/regarding/to benefit/gratify/satisfy/to spite/despite YOU". People do what their values justify them doing, waht their reasoning inspires them to do - in order to get whatever result they're attempting to get.
So in reality, when what someone does gratifies or benefits you - realize that was not the ONLY reason they did it. It might not have even been the primary reason they did it. They did it because their values required it, their reasoning inspired it - to get whatever it is they were wanting to get in the first place. Sometimes what they wanted to get - results....and if it doesn't, they change their modus operandi.
And you're doing the same thing....you weren't giving him what you wanted him to have becuase you respected him and thus no regret for your offerings, no matter what the result. You were giving ot him to make him love and like you, interact with you, and you wanted his 'respect and his admiration"........and you couldn't give it, no matter how much you gave.....because him regarding you in that capacity was not in his priority or values list.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Pages