Dealing with Two Break Ups
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| Tue, 10-31-2006 - 4:36pm |
Hello Everyone,
I am new to the group and am so very appreciative to have found this message board--as I have gotten myself into a situation where it is difficult to turn to my friends.
I have broken the rules of friendship and break-ups. Six months ago my live-in boyfriend of three years broke up with me due to a move out of the country for work. I was heart broken and upset, but we remain friends, especially as I continued to reside in his apartment. He left hints of wanting to get back together in the future, but I was trying to be responsible and moved on.
During what should have been my time of recovery and moving on (perhaps moving out too)--I became romantically involved with a friend I've had for four year. This friend and I were never extremely close, but we've seen each other in a group setting on a weekly basis during our entire friendship. Four months ago I began dating this friend with no real intentions other than friends-with-benefits. We began the relationship with the pretense that we would protect our friendship-no matter what. Now the friendship has gradually grown into something more, as he has shown me care and love I never found in my ex-boyfriend. I've finally gotten over my ex-boyfriend of three years and have begun enjoying my life again and feel I am moving on and getting over the past.
Recently my ex-boyfriend told me he is going to propose to me. I have told him that I care about him, but that it is a completely unrealistic idea. I have moved on. He was hurt, but eventually accepted what I told him--saying he would try to win me back. Almost immediately after this--I hadn't told my friend yet--my friend broke off his romantic relationship with me, saying he worried he didn't have enough time to give our relationship. I feel badly for the way I've treated my friend and am trying my best to maintain distance. He is trying very hard to remain friends and I am trying to be thoughtful and work on a continued friendship. I never got a chance--and for the sake of our friendship, likely never will--tell him how much I appreciate him, am thankful for his kindness and how much I truly care for him.
I know that this situation with my friend is one of cl-i_b_sandradee's rules to breaking up--is specifically not to do this. She is totally right--because now I am a total wreck. I find myself with no where to turn, as my usually supportive friends are all mutual friends and I don't want to get them involved in this. I believe this was all primarily my fault and wish to have a clean break up. There are so many upcoming social events (ie: birthdays, holidays) where I know I will see my friend in close quarters--but don't know how well I will be able to hold up my "being alright" stance.
I have gotten myself into a bad situation. My emtions are suddenly uncontrolable. I must be dealing with the reprocussions of both break-ups, but need help managing. Help!
To quote cl-i_b_sandradee's discussion called "How To Get Over Your Breakup"
** Don't jump into another situation right away. No relationship, no FWB, no sex on the side, no anything, for a while. You can't process one person out of your system and process another one in at the same time. It's destructive to yourself, to the other person, and it's just not a good idea. They usually don't last anyway and then you'll have two breakups to get over, and that just sucks.

Aw girl, I'm sorry for what's happened.
Dear Sandra,
Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. I took at look at what I wrote yesterday and am happily surprised you were able to decipher what I wrote. Your words have really helped me get through today and reassess my situation.
I must have been suffering from tunnel vision about my friend (guy #2) and what I thought I was losing. You helped me realize that I am lucky, as I will likely get to salvage our friendship—especially with your advice on clearing the air between him and me. I will definitely say something to him—something well thought out, not including every last detail—but a thank you for what he gave me and an affirmation of my desire to maintain a friendship.
For my ex-boyfriend (guy #1), I have tried not to add fuel to the fire, but I really don’t know what to do with his talk of marriage. I guess I will have to wait and see. He is a wonderful guy, but I feel after all the pain and tears—not the guy for me. A girlfriend’s father told me not to get caught up in the idea of a wedding and truly think about if I want a marriage with this guy. I feel too young (at 26!) to get married and my friend’s father told me there is no such thing as too young to get married, only not ready. I don’t think I’m ready to get married to this guy, not without a lot of work and time. You’re right, I need time to for the wounds to heal from guy #1. Six months is not nearly long enough, especially since I’m still in the middle of this back-and-forth with my ex-boyfriend. Thank you again for your help and advice. I truly appreciate it!
Glad you're feeling better now.