Dealing with Two Break Ups

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2006
Dealing with Two Break Ups
3
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 4:36pm

Hello Everyone,
I am new to the group and am so very appreciative to have found this message board--as I have gotten myself into a situation where it is difficult to turn to my friends.
I have broken the rules of friendship and break-ups. Six months ago my live-in boyfriend of three years broke up with me due to a move out of the country for work. I was heart broken and upset, but we remain friends, especially as I continued to reside in his apartment. He left hints of wanting to get back together in the future, but I was trying to be responsible and moved on.
During what should have been my time of recovery and moving on (perhaps moving out too)--I became romantically involved with a friend I've had for four year. This friend and I were never extremely close, but we've seen each other in a group setting on a weekly basis during our entire friendship. Four months ago I began dating this friend with no real intentions other than friends-with-benefits. We began the relationship with the pretense that we would protect our friendship-no matter what. Now the friendship has gradually grown into something more, as he has shown me care and love I never found in my ex-boyfriend. I've finally gotten over my ex-boyfriend of three years and have begun enjoying my life again and feel I am moving on and getting over the past.
Recently my ex-boyfriend told me he is going to propose to me. I have told him that I care about him, but that it is a completely unrealistic idea. I have moved on. He was hurt, but eventually accepted what I told him--saying he would try to win me back. Almost immediately after this--I hadn't told my friend yet--my friend broke off his romantic relationship with me, saying he worried he didn't have enough time to give our relationship. I feel badly for the way I've treated my friend and am trying my best to maintain distance. He is trying very hard to remain friends and I am trying to be thoughtful and work on a continued friendship. I never got a chance--and for the sake of our friendship, likely never will--tell him how much I appreciate him, am thankful for his kindness and how much I truly care for him.
I know that this situation with my friend is one of cl-i_b_sandradee's rules to breaking up--is specifically not to do this. She is totally right--because now I am a total wreck. I find myself with no where to turn, as my usually supportive friends are all mutual friends and I don't want to get them involved in this. I believe this was all primarily my fault and wish to have a clean break up. There are so many upcoming social events (ie: birthdays, holidays) where I know I will see my friend in close quarters--but don't know how well I will be able to hold up my "being alright" stance.
I have gotten myself into a bad situation. My emtions are suddenly uncontrolable. I must be dealing with the reprocussions of both break-ups, but need help managing. Help!

To quote cl-i_b_sandradee's discussion called "How To Get Over Your Breakup"
** Don't jump into another situation right away. No relationship, no FWB, no sex on the side, no anything, for a while. You can't process one person out of your system and process another one in at the same time. It's destructive to yourself, to the other person, and it's just not a good idea. They usually don't last anyway and then you'll have two breakups to get over, and that just sucks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 2:33am

Aw girl, I'm sorry for what's happened.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2006
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 2:45pm

Dear Sandra,

Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. I took at look at what I wrote yesterday and am happily surprised you were able to decipher what I wrote. Your words have really helped me get through today and reassess my situation.
I must have been suffering from tunnel vision about my friend (guy #2) and what I thought I was losing. You helped me realize that I am lucky, as I will likely get to salvage our friendship—especially with your advice on clearing the air between him and me. I will definitely say something to him—something well thought out, not including every last detail—but a thank you for what he gave me and an affirmation of my desire to maintain a friendship.
For my ex-boyfriend (guy #1), I have tried not to add fuel to the fire, but I really don’t know what to do with his talk of marriage. I guess I will have to wait and see. He is a wonderful guy, but I feel after all the pain and tears—not the guy for me. A girlfriend’s father told me not to get caught up in the idea of a wedding and truly think about if I want a marriage with this guy. I feel too young (at 26!) to get married and my friend’s father told me there is no such thing as too young to get married, only not ready. I don’t think I’m ready to get married to this guy, not without a lot of work and time. You’re right, I need time to for the wounds to heal from guy #1. Six months is not nearly long enough, especially since I’m still in the middle of this back-and-forth with my ex-boyfriend. Thank you again for your help and advice. I truly appreciate it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sat, 11-04-2006 - 4:49pm

Glad you're feeling better now.

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