Dear God...these first few days...SUCK

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Dear God...these first few days...SUCK
9
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 1:53pm

I posted my breakup story over the last few days (gee, it happened in 'real time' on this board!) and at the moment I am in that completely despairing place of feeling like I will never meet someone as compatible with me as my (fresh) ex was. I'm still in shock over this...he had seemed stable, reliable, mature...not prone to emotional whims or flakiness...and certainly not prone to doing the passive-aggressive thing of withdrawing from the relationship but never talking about it until I forced him to confront what was going on. We had SO much in common, and that is incredibly hard for me--for both of us--to find. So many people hoped that this would be my 'happy ending' because I had been through the wringer with my last boyfriend...and the signs pointed toward this being the happy ending. I feel like I've been pistol-whipped, punched in the stomach, shoved over a cliff.

From the outside it's easy to say "he just wan't that into you! Get over it!" but my analytical brain is still grasping to understand and make sense of this. I did the same thing with my last ex, and the admittedly over-analyzing I did ultimately helped me make my peace with it and find closure (with no contact, thank you very much!).

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 1:59pm

Read the last answer to your previous post - it might help.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 2:09pm

Thanks, Erin. It was helpful. Why, oh why, do men claim to want something and lead you to believe by their actions that they want it, and then when they are on the verge of getting it, they run screaming the other way? (rhetorical question)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 2:22pm

Dear Course11,

I understand you completely when you say :

why, do men claim to want something and lead you to believe by their actions that they want it, and then when they are on the verge of getting it, they run screaming the other way? (rhetorical question)

because in a way this happened to me too.just 2 months before i broke up with my ex he was positive he wanted me to move to his country to go and live with him (as it was a ldr),but when i started making serious plans about my move including the big step i was going to take by telling my boss he just wasn't sure anymore saying it was 'such a big move'!

in the end we broke up as he thought that moving in together wouldn't have worked out and here i am trying to pull myself together after my break up 3 weeks ago.

so you're not alone in this but time will heal the wound.take your time to mourn and eventually you'll realise that you are no longer mourning him but looking forwarding to starting a new life !!

good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 2:59pm

I think it's more a case of projection and assumption that women do regarding men's actions that lead women to believe "his actions are matching his words".

Quite often we are being verbally told "what we want to hear" - with actions that conflict - if we would not project and assume our own hopes, desires, and goals into those actions.

I.e., "I'd never have him meet my parents if I weren't committed to him." Teh thought that often is in play at the point you're told "we're going to my parents this weekend".

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 3:26pm

Hmm. So you're saying I read more into his introducing me to his lifelong friends than I should have? And I read more into him saying "you shouldn't feel like you're the only one who would have to move for us to work. I would also consider moving to your city" than I should have? And I read more into him joking around that we would send our kids to his alma mater than I should have? (I knew it was a joke, but it signaled at least a fleeting thought that I was long-term material.)

Yuck. Possible, I guess. But yuck.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 3:44pm

I still think it's basically that after 6 months of dating, five of them LD, he simply realized that he didn't think the two of you were right for each other. It generally takes 4-6 months of dating to figure out whether you are potentially right for each other and being LD lengthens that time period.

I'm in a similar boat...I ended a 9 month LDR yesterday because I can't deal any more with him not making plans for us to see each other (it's been 3 monnths) and not even being willing to *talk* to me about why he isn't (while claiming all the while he misses me tremendously and really wants to see me--actions not meeting words), so I can sympathize with the horrible feeling you're going through. Hang in there...you know from experience that it *does* get better, but it definitely is horrible to live through these first few days.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 6:01pm

Ouch, ouch, ouch. The bruised ego is hurting. Later, with more perspective and distance, I'll probably be able to accept that we're just not 'right' for each other. But right now that's a little hard to hear.

One of the recovery phases is knocking the ex off of his pedastal, right? He's not the most wonderful man that ever lived--or so I need to tell myself. So I should take some comfort from the idea that I may have dodged a bullet with someone who had a self-described gambling obsession...yes? It wasn't an addiction, he explained, because he's not losing money and it's not harming his work or relationships. But he spent a LOT of time on fantasy football, Sunday game bets, weekly poker games, and Vegas trips (the most recent of which included a 17 hour stint--straight--playing poker). He said the only reason he doesn't gamble online is that his credit card won't let him.

He also wasn't great at dealing with emotions--when I tried to be serious with him to talk about what was going on with us, he made jokes instead of engaging the issue thoughtfully and forthrightly. Not to mention I had to force this out of him...if I hadn't forced the conversation, I may have dealt with his ambivalence for months longer, with much more damage and pain to endure.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 7:43pm

Why does that bruise your ego? It just *IS*, it doesn't mean YOU are not right in some way, just that you're not right for *each other*. It's just how it is. No judgments, no right or wrong.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2005
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 12:08am
I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND your situation. I broke up with my boyfriend about 2 weeks ago because of him being dishonest about certain things--and even though I feel that I did what was best for me, I am really sad about things. He allowed me into his world, seemingly--I met his lifelong friends, I spent a lot of time with his family--I am at a loss as to how he could shut his emotions down completely after all of this. I really, really miss him, but I don't know how I could deal with someone that seemed to toy with my emotions in such a way. I do truly believe that when some men tell us things that they really DO mean it at the time--things change because they get scared, etc.--it's no excuse, but it's the only rationalization I can gather, at this point. I am glad to read about someone else in a similar situation.