death in my boyfriend's family

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
death in my boyfriend's family
6
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 9:03pm
My boyfriend's grandfather died this week. Later that same day, he told me something inside him had "snapped", he was no longer the same person, and that he had nothing else to give me (not that he ever gave me much). I figured it was the shock of losing someone in his family, and was nevertheless upset, but figured he needed some time to deal with the loss. Yesterday, he told me that he was serious about what he had said and that he didn't want me to come to the funeral. I took time off of work today to go to the wake, because I had known his grandfather, and when I went down the line, his family seemed grateful that I had come, and when I last go to my boyfriend, he closed his eyes, rolled his head back, and pretended I didn't exist, esentially dumping me (or so it appears) at his grandfather's wake in front of his family. I was appalled at his rudeness, and left crying. We have been dating for two years, and living together for one. What should I do? I am so angry at him I can barely see straight, and can't think this through clearly at the moment.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 9:26am
Oh honey, I am so sorry. I know EXACTLY what you are going through. My (ex)boyfriend's dad is dying of Cancer as we speak and he(my ex) has not been the same ever since his father relapsed. I truly believe in my heart that this is why small things that usually would never break us up, snowballed and left him feeling overwhelmed and that he had to get out. Problem is, he "said" that we were broken up but still treated me like his girlfriend, spending all our time together, hugging, kissing- the whole deal. I figured he needed me in a time like this because of the strained relationship with his dad and all of the regrets he has, which is why I never left even though he "said" it was over (his actions showed me differently). During this, he told me his dad was too sick and he didn't want me to see him that way and that I couldn't come over to the house, so he always came to mine after much protest from me. Come to find out, for the past couple of weeks he's been seeking comfort in a female friend, and now wants to see where things go with her and SHE has been over to the house several times- talk about stinging.

I think you did the right thing by going, and if he doesn't eventually realize that (I believe he will), then you did it for yourself because you felt is was right. Sometimes death does strange things to people, especially when they're so close to it. I would try, I know it's so painful I'm right there with you, but try to just give him his space. Don't contact him, let him heal. He will realize how much you cared, and he will appreciate that eventually, even if you two don't reconcile as a couple. I'm going through this with you, I don't know how to get through the days. My ex and I were together for 5 years with serious plans of marriage.

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 10:43am
Oh my goodness! What a jerk! What a creep! I can't believe someone would do that to a person they're living with. Did you have any clues at all that this was coming? I feel so bad for you. That must have really hurt. At best it's extremely rude.

My boyfriend sounds somewhat similar. He took me to spend a weekend with some family member's last week and pretty much ignored me the entire weekend. Afterwards I just broke up with him. I reasoned that anyone who could treat me so badly in front of his family must either want to break up with me, not love me enough or just be crazy.

It sounds like you've just got to walk away from this one. His using the death as an excuse is really sad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 2:16pm
He should never be angry for you for comming and giving your support for him and his family. That just shows you have a big heart. If I knew how old he was I could give you better insight. This doesnt sound like the act of a mature adult. Was he close to his grandfather? Sometimes people who are close with people before death blame themselves for not spending enough time with them as much as they wished. Being that you had never met his grandfather- does he blame you for not spending the time with his grandfather and spending more with you? This could be a possibility if that was the case. However it is very imature of him if he believes this. He sounds like he needs time. He owes you enough respect to atleast tell you his reasoning or whats going on in his head- and if he cant, well then, hes ashamed of himself for his feelings tward you at this time. Sometimes people want someone to blame for bad things that happen to them and usually they take it out on the closest person to them. You do need to sit him down and ask him what is going through his head- nicely. Its not fair to you if you are unaware of his problem tward you- when this had absolutly nothing to do with you. Give us an update- hope I helped stacy
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 12:19pm
My (ex?) boyfriend still won't talk to me. He has been acting like a child, refusing to look at me or answer his cell phone when I call, despite the fact that we live together. I can't take much more of his ignoring me for no apparent reason, and I believe that I deserve an explanation, especially after two years together. I'm not leaving without one, and I suppose I couldn't really leave anyway, as I can't afford an apartment on my own and all of my other friends already have roommates. For a 22 year old man, he is acting like he's half that age, he's been trying to manipulate me into apologizing for nothing. I told him I was sorry (meaning I'm sorry your grandfather died) and he told me I didn't even know what I was sorry for, as if I had done something, and he full well understood my meaning. I didn't go to the funeral, but I know his ex-girlfriend of three years would have been there, because I know his mother told her about it. I don't care how well this woman knew the deceased, she is not family (although she would do just about anything to be part of the family, if you get my meaning) but would have been there just the same, while my boyfriend didn't want to me to be there, just wanted to "be with his family." The ex would have left him alone if I had been there to support him, now I am afraid her presence made things worse for him, therefore making things worse for me. (although she is no challenge, and he would never take her back, it disturbs me all the same that she was there and I was not.) How do I get him to talk to me? I am not going to be run off without a reason. Please help. -gone2Hawaii
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 11:06pm
Welcome to the board!! I'm soo sorry your going through all this....I know it must be hard. Maybe your should just flat out ask him what you did wrong....that you just want to know. If he doesn't start coming back around in a week or two....I'd start looking for another place and just try to stay out of the house when he's at home as much as possible. I know this is tough....but we're here for you. (((Hugs))) just be strong!!!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 5:18pm
If I were you, I'd start looking around for another place to live. Can you go back to live with your family? 22 is really young. Although his behavior seems cruel, selfish and immature, I don't actually think he's old enough to know better. You don't deserve to be treated like this. If I were you, I'd get out before he causes you anymore pain.