Debating whether to break up...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2012
Debating whether to break up...
Sat, 12-22-2012 - 8:13pm

Thanks in advance for any advice.  My boyfriend and I have been together for three and a half years, and it's been very smooth sailing - we have only had a couple of fights, we both like doing the same things, we get to travel a lot, he's a super-nice guy with a very successful career, and he loves doing things for me.  Sounds great, but very recently I've begun to have my doubts on a few points:

1. I have not been particularly interested in sex for the last year or so.  He almost always has to initiate, and I almost never turn him down, though I'd like to say no more often than I do.  I consider myself to be a fairly sexual person, and I have a lot of erotic dreams, however he hardly ever features in them.

2. I brought up the discussion of marriage a couple months ago, to which he replied he wasn't sure enough about our relationship to take the next step yet.  I understand different people have different timetables, but part of me wonders if he isn't sure now, will he ever be?  

3. He's been traveling on holiday for several weeks (I wasn't able to join him due to work), and I've hardly felt I missed him, other than the first couple days.

4. While he's been traveling, I inadvertantly ended up in a date-like situation with a coworker that ended with some flirty text messages, and I had a lot of fun with it.  I think this might be the catalyst that has me thinking about points 1-3 when I had been previously shoving them under the mental rug.

I'm conflicted, because we get along so great and I can see us having a great life together, but I'm concerned that something is missing.  Anyone been in a similar situation and have any advice to give?  

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2012
Tue, 12-25-2012 - 6:47pm

All 4 of your points are important, and it was a good idea to talk it out.

The time apart might be a good thing as White Satin says, you will either stay friends or find out you miss each other.

But everyone should have that one person that completes them. I wouldn't settle for anything less than the husband I have. We may not match on all things, but I can't imagine my life without him, but saying that, sex is important, I think of him every day if we are apart, we knew by the 3rd date we would be married, and I have never had the urge to flirt with anyone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Sun, 12-23-2012 - 6:57pm

Maybe during the time apart, you will know if you're right for each other. I would advise not to break up. Love is hard to find. When you find someone compatible, you should work to maintain the excitement and the newness. All R/S takes work. Anyway, you already broke up so nothing to do now except to use this time to reflect.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2012
Sun, 12-23-2012 - 5:28pm

Thank you all so much for the thoughtful comments.  In essence, you were all right.  We had the talk today, just after he returned, and he had been thinking the same things - essentially that we were more great friends rather than partners.  We started dating when I was 27, we both have decent incomes, and I think part of what was so hard was that we both felt the ticking of the clock, and he felt guilty while I felt nervous.  So it's basically a completely mutual breakup, though we're still going to go on the trip we planned (leaving tomorrow!) as friends.

The comment about breaking up after 2 years of marriage was really, really helpful - it gave a lot of perspective.  Thank you so much.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 12-23-2012 - 5:18pm

  There are several things to consider.

      You reported sexual disinterest when did that start?  Dreams do not have to be about or with a current sex partner.  I would give that no importance.

   How old were you when this started 3 years ago? 

   What is you income from a job or a career? 

   What do you like to do for fun?

    How do you invision your futre life?

" I'm concerned that something is missing. "

       This is the really important item.  If you have tis feeling you will always have this in the back of your mind until it is resolved.  Could it be that you feel that you are missing out on adventures?


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Sun, 12-23-2012 - 10:43am
I'm kind of confused why you want to marry him when you don't have much interest in sex WITH HIM, when you don't miss him while he's gone and while you're enjoying flirting with another man. These issues won't magically go away once you've said "I do". I married my husband even though I wasn't really "feeling it" because he was a good man who took wonderful care of me, would never have left me, was a great provider for me and our son, and was a good-looking man who my friends thought was a great catch...and we ended up divorced, because marrying him didn't make me "feel it". I believed both of us deserved more. Think of it this way...does this man deserve a wife who doesn't enjoy sex with him, doesn't miss him when he's away, and enjoys flirtations with another man? Or does he deserve a wife who loves him with her whole heart, soul and body, who is attracted to him and enjoys sex with him, who misses him when they're apart and isn't tempted to flirt with other men? In my mind, you BOTH deserve a spouse who feels all these things and more.
Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Sun, 12-23-2012 - 6:34am

It sounds like you're bored in the relationship and perhaps he is too, which might be why he's not sure about getting married. I would talk to him about it first and make an effort to reignite things before giving up completely - maybe couples therapy. Just seems a shame to give up so easily on a healthy relationship without even communicating about how you're feeling first.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 12-23-2012 - 12:06am

I think there's 3 things here that stand out. 1 being you've lost your sexual interest in him. 2 being you really don't miss him when he's gone, and 3 being your engaging in flirty text mesages with another guy when he's gone on travel. Also he doesn't seem to have any interest in marriage anytime soon and it sounds like that's what you're looking for. So maybe this relationship has just run it's course.and you'd be better off as friends.