Deception over another (girl) friend
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| Sun, 07-10-2005 - 7:09pm |
I have been with my bf for over two years, which started out as a great friendship and turned into love. I was his first serious relationship at 33 and I was fresh from a divorce with an 8 year old daughter. Neither of us thought it would go anywhere, but we couldn’t be apart.
I knew he had some issues, such as his work ethics (he preferred not to, but did enough to pay his bills), his drug habits and living with his parents, but he has good qualities such as strong morals, family-oriented and very handsome. We were always laughing and having a good time until the beginning of the year when he started seeing a mutual friend of ours to get his haircut. She is a waitress who has no ambition to get her hair license in this state and cuts hair on the side for extra money. At the time we all hung out, she was with her boyfriend and the four of us would go out together and she would always tell me she thought of me as a best friend because I helped her out a lot by driving her places, loaning money, cigarettes, etc. – until I felt that she was just using me and felt that the friendship was one-sided and after a fight, just never calls again. My bf still got his hair cut by her and considered her a friend, which I didn’t object to.
Then she broke up with her bf and the deceit began. My bf would hang out with her and do drugs (I don’t partake, but never judge others) but he would never be honest with me about where/who he was with even when directly asked. And of course I knew that he was with her! So after so many fights over him deceiving me about them just hanging out – we broke up. And that night, he had sex with her for the first time and dated for a couple of weeks. After about three weeks, he came back to me and wanted to get back together with me and said that she was needy, self-centered and was just not that into her. She wasn’t me, he said. We worked it out and agreed that if he was ever to see her again on a friendship level, he would just need to tell me about it so he is not hiding it from me.
He told the other girl that he loved me and we’re back together and she got mad at him. He was upset that they couldn’t be friends any more as he does have many and the other girl does have some good traits (I’m trying to non-judgmental here)
We even got matching tattoos to solidify that we will always be truthful with each other – especially about the other girl. HE JUST CAN’T DO IT!!!! And somehow I have this physic ability to know when he’s hanging out with her and when directly asked – he flat out denies it (and does it so bad that I can eventually get him to admit that he saw here out of him after a bit of probing).
I told him that it was over and that I couldn’t even be his friend any more. Friendship means a lot to him and we were best friends so I knew saying that would hurt him bad. I told him that if he can’t even tell me that he stopped by her house and hung out for an hour, even though he knows how much it means to me, then I can’t be with him. All our fights are over the same thing. Me, Him and Her. He went to hug me and I backed away and told him not to touch me. He said he was only going to hug me and I said no way. He looked very hurt and as walking out the door wished me the best. My reply was that I wished him the best too, only he had the best and just lost it. I shut the door and turned off the light. I felt ok --- we’ve been through this so many other times and I have cried enough in the past to prepare me for this. I did hurt, but never cried (still haven’t).
In the morning, I had a knot in my stomach. The same knot when I know that he is with her. So I couldn’t help myself and had my friend drive by the other girl’s apartment and his car was there. So after leaving my house – he went to her and spent the night. My friend tried to make me feel better saying they were probably just partying all night because he was upset with me, and who is to really know what they did and why he was there at 9am in the morning! She said I need to move on from him….
I was so hurt I told myself that I would never check up on him again and that this was the reason why I can’t be with him. Was I a fool to believe that he ever broke it off with her? Has he been with her these last few months and me? I find it hard to believe as we were together most of the time and I know that they are friends and he is not one just to jump in bed with someone. I’ve always known he’s had a sexual attraction to her and could understand when he said he felt like she was a conquest and after experiencing, didn’t really want that with her. But am I wrong?
I guess I’ll never know, and as it’s only been a couple of days since this all went down (still haven’t cried) – I find myself alone and missing him. Missing the good times and thinking am I fool for being so upset that he can’t tell me when he hangs out with this girl?
So here’s the question – if your lover was uncomfortable with you hanging out with a member of the opposite sex, what would you do? Stop hanging out with them in the name of love – or continue to hang out with them????

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Pjay,
You ve some serious thinking to do. I don't know if he was with her at times when he said he wasn't, and I think he loves you more. You probably work or look after your daughter during the day and are busy. Him on the other hand, sounds like he only works when he has to...this gives him too much free time.
This other woman is only his back up. When things are not going well for the two of you, he goes to her. I think he does this because he doesn't want to be alone. Drugs are not fun when you do them alone, but they can be with another person. I know your GF, mother, sisters or others have told you to get rid of him. You can do so much better and you deserve a lot more that worry and doubt and mis trust......if your gut tells you something isn't right then it probably isn't.
I wasted 9 years of my life with a guy that would rather stay up all night with his Pals, doing coke, than come home and take me out, or spend time with me. I could never fully trust him either. He was always a big flirt. Trust that it will get better. You will be better away from him, you sound far too smart to be with this guy. Don't beat yourself up too much about having your freind do the drive by thing to ceck and see if his car was at her place.....we have all done these things.
I wish you every success in moving on and finding happiness
I'm sorry you are heartbroken, I feel for you. But on a different note, maybe you should be more critical and judgemental of who you associate with...you have an 8 year old daughter watching everything. You both deserve alot better.
Grace
It has been one week since the break up!!!
Thank you for the replies -- I read them daily to keep me strong. But for some unknown reason thought that there could be a glimmer of hope for me and my ex. Why do we do that to ourselves knowing a guy isn't good enough for you?
Well, I guess I just had to push it, and after several phone messages from him that were sweet and reminded me of the good times, I answered one of his calls. BIG MISTAKE!
He wanted to go to the movies with me and my daughter, saying he missed me and all the crap that I usually fall for. But this time was different. I told him that it wasn't good for my daughter to see him knowing that we are not together and her knowing how hurt I was from the breakup and that he had made his choice and the choice was the other girl. I was being strong and proud that I was standing tough. He told me that he wasn't with the other girl, he wasn't with anybody and just needed to be single to get his life in order (it's been two years he's been saying that he's getting his life in order!). There's that glimmer of hope though, but I had to keep pushing and asked him if he knew that it made me feel like he was running directly from me to her and that deceiving me made the situation look bad (seeing her but wouldn't tell me, even when directly asked). Then I had to push it!! Because I know in my heart that I could and do deserve better than this LOSER, I had to know. So I asked --
Did you sleep with her since we've broken up? --- and there was no answer, which of course means YES. How can a person be in "love" and have sex with someone else. Of course it's done every day, but I was a fool and thought our "love" was different.
I told him that was it, I loved him but want nothing to do with him ever again. He told me never to call him again and hung up. I was hurting inside. But I also knew that he was hurting inside too (which made me happier!) and that in the long run, I would be ok in the end.
He just lost the best thing in his life -- ME! I own my own business, own a great house, have wonderful friends/family and I will NEVER allow him to hurt me again.
Looking back, he was never there for me, never had any money and he will never amount to anything other than a drug user who is always looking for a job.
I take my revenge knowing that after the initial shock and some lonliness, I will end up with a healthy relationship, and be able to enjoy the finer things because I work hard.
He will hurt too, just like me -- but will end up still living with his parents,looking for a job or even possibly moving in with her, in her tiny rented apartment, as she goes off to waitress to buy them drugs. They both will never amount to anything, but will always believe that they "deserve" to have everything.
There will be a day when he looks back at his pathetic life and remember me and realize that I was the best thing and he just didn't deserve me. The best thing he did for me WAS to deceive me so that I could let him go.
Thanks again for all the support -- it helps me out!
Way to go! You are a smart, strong woman and I'm glad to see that you're feeling stronger all the time. Trust me when I say that you are well on your way to recovery - sure there will be ups and downs, but in the big picture, you're moving up! I too think that acting like the jackass he is was the nicest thing my ex ever did for me - in a way. It allowed me to see the "real" him - the version of him who chooses to be lazy and selfish. Although the pain has been almost unbelieveable at times, I really do believe that facing it now is preferable to wasting many more years of my life on such a loser.
I am strong, I am invincible, I am WOMAN (okay, I couldn't help it).
Jennifer
I was doing a message board search and found this! I have just gone through a situation, not unlike this one...
My bf of one year (now he is my ex!) has always had this friend (a girl) for three years.
I am not in your exact situation, but similar. My ex starting talking/emailing/seeing another girl while we were "together", so I know how you feel in regards to him picking her vs. me.
The way I've *tried* to stop thinking about him (and her), is to constantly replace the good memories with the crap he did to me or just wasn't what I needed. For every time I wonder if he's being sweet to the new girl, telling her all the things he told me, sweet talking her, I remember all the reasons why I let him go- being distant, ignoring my phone calls, texts, never acknowledging my feelings, and ultimately lying to me repeatedly about another girl. That seems to put me back on track of why I shouldn't be missing him.
I hurt still too, and all I can tell you is the pain subsides with time. You may never fully be "over" him, but someday you'll just have a blah/don't care attitude about it. Maybe you'll even laugh (I do now over someone I used to cry over.) Remind yourself now is the time to be selfish, especially if you have school stuff going on.
You will make it thru this, we are all on here supporting each other so vent away if you have to!
thanks for responding.
::my mom (she is also a good freind) tells me there is no reason to ignore or hate him....but i just do...i just want him, and the girl, to go away.
While it does no good to harbor feelings of hate, those feeling of anger, choosing to put distance between you and them are all about self-preservation and a period of healing that you will need to grieve for the end of the relationship. Take all the time you need.
Tell him straight out: I thought I could continue to be friends, but I need a period of no contact until I heal enough to be friends.
Carrie
that's why i responded to all his emails/calls/texts...b/c i didn't want to harbor angry feelings. i forgave him for all of the really, really bad things he did. he has apologized for everything, but in my honest opinion, a girl in my shoes wouldn't have even spoken to him ever again.
Nod when you see him and keep moving.
But tell him, you need NO CONTACT including text messages. If he continues after that, ignore them.
Carrie
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