Deception over another (girl) friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2005
Deception over another (girl) friend
11
Sun, 07-10-2005 - 7:09pm

I have been with my bf for over two years, which started out as a great friendship and turned into love. I was his first serious relationship at 33 and I was fresh from a divorce with an 8 year old daughter. Neither of us thought it would go anywhere, but we couldn’t be apart.

I knew he had some issues, such as his work ethics (he preferred not to, but did enough to pay his bills), his drug habits and living with his parents, but he has good qualities such as strong morals, family-oriented and very handsome. We were always laughing and having a good time until the beginning of the year when he started seeing a mutual friend of ours to get his haircut. She is a waitress who has no ambition to get her hair license in this state and cuts hair on the side for extra money. At the time we all hung out, she was with her boyfriend and the four of us would go out together and she would always tell me she thought of me as a best friend because I helped her out a lot by driving her places, loaning money, cigarettes, etc. – until I felt that she was just using me and felt that the friendship was one-sided and after a fight, just never calls again. My bf still got his hair cut by her and considered her a friend, which I didn’t object to.

Then she broke up with her bf and the deceit began. My bf would hang out with her and do drugs (I don’t partake, but never judge others) but he would never be honest with me about where/who he was with even when directly asked. And of course I knew that he was with her! So after so many fights over him deceiving me about them just hanging out – we broke up. And that night, he had sex with her for the first time and dated for a couple of weeks. After about three weeks, he came back to me and wanted to get back together with me and said that she was needy, self-centered and was just not that into her. She wasn’t me, he said. We worked it out and agreed that if he was ever to see her again on a friendship level, he would just need to tell me about it so he is not hiding it from me.

He told the other girl that he loved me and we’re back together and she got mad at him. He was upset that they couldn’t be friends any more as he does have many and the other girl does have some good traits (I’m trying to non-judgmental here)

We even got matching tattoos to solidify that we will always be truthful with each other – especially about the other girl. HE JUST CAN’T DO IT!!!! And somehow I have this physic ability to know when he’s hanging out with her and when directly asked – he flat out denies it (and does it so bad that I can eventually get him to admit that he saw here out of him after a bit of probing).

I told him that it was over and that I couldn’t even be his friend any more. Friendship means a lot to him and we were best friends so I knew saying that would hurt him bad. I told him that if he can’t even tell me that he stopped by her house and hung out for an hour, even though he knows how much it means to me, then I can’t be with him. All our fights are over the same thing. Me, Him and Her. He went to hug me and I backed away and told him not to touch me. He said he was only going to hug me and I said no way. He looked very hurt and as walking out the door wished me the best. My reply was that I wished him the best too, only he had the best and just lost it. I shut the door and turned off the light. I felt ok --- we’ve been through this so many other times and I have cried enough in the past to prepare me for this. I did hurt, but never cried (still haven’t).

In the morning, I had a knot in my stomach. The same knot when I know that he is with her. So I couldn’t help myself and had my friend drive by the other girl’s apartment and his car was there. So after leaving my house – he went to her and spent the night. My friend tried to make me feel better saying they were probably just partying all night because he was upset with me, and who is to really know what they did and why he was there at 9am in the morning! She said I need to move on from him….

I was so hurt I told myself that I would never check up on him again and that this was the reason why I can’t be with him. Was I a fool to believe that he ever broke it off with her? Has he been with her these last few months and me? I find it hard to believe as we were together most of the time and I know that they are friends and he is not one just to jump in bed with someone. I’ve always known he’s had a sexual attraction to her and could understand when he said he felt like she was a conquest and after experiencing, didn’t really want that with her. But am I wrong?

I guess I’ll never know, and as it’s only been a couple of days since this all went down (still haven’t cried) – I find myself alone and missing him. Missing the good times and thinking am I fool for being so upset that he can’t tell me when he hangs out with this girl?

So here’s the question – if your lover was uncomfortable with you hanging out with a member of the opposite sex, what would you do? Stop hanging out with them in the name of love – or continue to hang out with them????

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2005
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 2:58pm

he called to tell me to come get some stuff. i told him i didn't think i would be coming over there, could he just please bring it to school (we are both geeting our master;s). he mumbled something. i told him i had to go, and hung up.

it's a start for me! the last time i told him no contact, i got guilt tripped (by both him and also by me, telling myself i was better than to ignore someone).

there's also some gossip going around about the situation, about him and the other girl, and it hurts me even to walk into school, knowing that other people know our business....it's so catty there....i am a very sensitive person, and i feel like, what did i ever do to these people? what did i ever do to him?

i am also angry...to be honest....how can he get over our relationship so easily? how can he not hurt like i do?

I

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