Decision to Move
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| Wed, 04-06-2005 - 9:01am |
Many of you probably know my story by now--I'm on here sorting out my thoughts through posts all the time, haha. But you're all very supportive and it's really helped me through this, so I appreciate it.
So, ex bf and I have been having problems for a month or so--we're in our mid twenties but this was his first relationship and I know he's afraid to commit to me because he just doesn't know. He still has no idea what to do and is afraid that if he breaks up, he'll be making the mistake of a lifetime. I finally told him I couldn't wait around for him to make a decision and if it was right, it wouldn't be so hard. We've been together for over five years, so this has been extremely difficult for both of us.
I am originally from the midwest and left to go to college in Washington, DC where he and I lived together for a few years until we moved back to his hometown (also on east coast) last June. At that time we were planning on getting married and looking at buying a house, so I thought I would be here forever. Now that it's over, I don't think I want to be here anymore. I'm very close to his family, but I miss my family and I don't really have any friends. I've been thinking that I want to move back to my home in the midwest, but it's been so long since I've been there that I wonder if it will even feel like home again? I love the east coast and will miss the ocean (we live in a house on the beach), but there's no reason for me to stay here anymore. Except for my job. They hired me thinking I would be here for several years and I haven't even been here a year, so I feel bad for leaving.
I don't know what to do, has anybody ever been in this situation? I feel like I don't have a home anymore and miss my family, but I don't know if the midwest is what I really want...plus I'm worried that I may be making too many changes at once. Quitting my job and moving back home after breaking up with my boyfriend of five years seems like so much, but it might be best for me. I can't really talk to my family about it because if I mention maybe moving home, they get so excited that I feel it would put unecessary pressure on me. I don't know where to turn or what to do.

Garden State quote: "Maybe 'home' is just a bunch of people missing the same place."
I understand your confusion, at least in part. I'm stuck in a new town (moved here 6 months ago for a job), and feel like I don't know a soul or have a friend around here. I did have my BF, who made several trips down here and lots of phone calls, but now that support is gone since the break-up. Who do I turn to? My family is 6 hours away, my friends from college are a good 6-8 hrs.... However, my job matters enough to me that I've decided to stick it out here (at least, for now). Basically, it would be a bad career move for me (personally, in my field) to not stay here and get more experience.
I honestly don't know if you can go home again. Some people say you can't. I think that "home," like they say, is more of an idea than a place. So, if you do decide to go back, I don't think you can expect it to be like it was before you left. That doesn't mean it couldn't be a positive experience. After all, you would be getting away from all the memories of the "us" that used to be your relationship, and you would be getting around a great support system (there's nothing like the love of family, right?!). I don't think you necessarily need to worry about your job... I respect your sense of loyalty to the company you work for now, but honestly, people change jobs ALL the time.
These things have a way of working themselves out. For now, I say, weigh the positives and negatives of staying and going (which, I'm sure you have done endlessly). Maybe you can try to build a better support system where you are (join volunteer organizations, a place of worship, etc. to find people who will give you the love and support you need... this has kinda been my approach for trying to make a "home" for myself here). If you can't be happy where you are, then I'd say move on. Either way, find the "home" that makes you happy.
And let me know how it goes... I may be making a similar decision if I can't create a better support system here myself.
Hugs,
~S
Look.....you're not transitioning well into adulthood.
It seems you went from being someone's daughter as a role where you were protected, provided for, loved, and nurtured....to being someone's girlfriend where you jumped into adult responsiblities and obligations with the mindset that this "situation" was guaranteed to provide you with the vaguely defined future and success that you believe is yours to have in life.
Here's the thing......the transition into adulthood is one that is taken on individually.
Parent/child is an inequality based dynamic. They love you because you're they're child, they provide for you in every way, they're assistance and guidance offers you experiences and opportunities in life to learn your abilities, your needs, and set some goals.
At the point you enter "adulthood" which isn't an age thing physically -it's mental......you step "beside" them and decide for yourself (not in rebellion against or adherance to for "identity and security") what you believe in every regard about yourself and life. You determine what you need in life to make you happy - and you don't just do what other people say will "work to make you that way". You take responsibility for becoming self-defined and self-aware, and realize that happiness, success and security are not found in possessions, positions, locations, or relationships, appearance, wealth or status...and you define them existentially, and become them fundamentally - so that you have an objective view of life around you, and those you affiliate with in terms of character and values........realizing that you're always in charge of youor destiny and nobody is going to make you into what you don't define and become by personal effort and requirement.
Roles aren't enough....being someone's daughter, wife, girlfriend, mother, employee, friend, it's not enough. in the moments where there are no peoople to serve or interact with, no demands to meet, no obligations to uphold, nobody else's priorities or goals or needs to pursue.....who are YOU at the core? If you're a void, if you're "lost" - realize that running back to a previous location, or running into a next role is not the answer.
You're just filling a void that has the potential to be removed by that person's choice, or situations beyond your control....and now you're "empty" agin.
If you go thru life with no self-definition and self-responsibility and appropriate self-focus...what you're condemned to is resenting those around you that are living life to the fullest.
YOu're going to resent the fact you're always giving - yet you never have that pervading sense of "being a good person". You're going to resent the fact that you're never on the podium and receiving applause - despite the fact you've put in as many hours on the project that someone else headed up and took responsibility for the outcome of. You're going to regret your relationships......looking to them to make you complete, secure and happy ensure that you're none of those things, and you'll begin to carniverously consume thm trying to "get it out of them what it is they're withholding from you."
Life is not about feelings...they're not facts, goals, calls to action, tools of cognition. There is no "gauge" to determine anybody's feelings. Feelings are transitional.
I'd say at this point you needto take a step towards emotional maturity. If you "run home' - what you're not going to be is received like the child you were when you left, in need adn distraught, with people running to your side to uplift and uphold and assist. That MIGHT happen....but you'd resent it while needing it - because need causes resentment!
I'm not saying stay or go....but the time has come for you to make a complete, successful, secure, independently defined and created life and lifestyle for you. So that who you are shines thru to the world....not just wha tyou're capable of giving or achieving for someone else so that they can be "all that' and by association you're "kinda alright'.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com