decision time

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2008
decision time
2
Sun, 02-24-2008 - 7:22am

Hello everyone,


We have scheduled “the talk” for next week and I am hoping for some advice about how to approach it.


It’s complicated…. (like everyone else)


We’ve been together for three years, living together for two. It’s been up and down a bit for the last year, but good on the whole. One little thing that has bothered me over the years is that he often lies to me about trivial things, I don’t know why. I’m confident that he’s never lied to me about anything serious. I earn more than him but that’s never been an issue.


Recently my mom has been sick and I’ve taken some unpaid time from work to look after her (in another state). Admittedly this was a unilateral decision by me, with the expectation that I’d take a couple of months off work and then go back part-time. Two issues have surfaced since. The first is that he has given me very little support emotionally to cope with mom’s illness. The second is that he has been nagging constantly about me going back to work. I resent this – obviously my mom is more important than a few thousand dollars. We are pretty comfortable financially and can easily survive on one income for a few months.


So for the last month we have been separated, with increasingly tense phone calls. He asks me when I’m going to go back to work, and I tell him he should be more supportive. This culminated in a conversation last week in which I urged him to tell me what he was thinking. He said he didn’t love me any more, and that he wanted to move out – that I should keep the house and he would just take enough to get himself set up. He also said that he thought if we continued the relationship he would have affairs. I was very upset by this, and when we spoke again a few days later he said he had changed his mind and wanted to give it another go. He has been super nice since, asking how I am and how mom is.


I am going to go home next week to “sort it out” with him, one way or the other.


I don’t think it’s about money, since he offered to leave me the house, although money seems to have been a major issue for him (unnecessarily!) since I stopped work. Maybe he feels rejected by me going to see mom. Naturally I want to go and spend more time with her, but now I have the threat of infidelity hanging over me – and the worry that he will lie to me. You can’t just “un-say” those things that he said.


I just don’t know how we are ever going to resolve this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
In reply to: anna1414
Sun, 02-24-2008 - 9:18am
hi anna. hang in there! of course you want to be there for your mom, it's only natural. i would have done the same thing- quit my job to be with her. the lack of support from your SO does concern me as well as the fact he threatened you with moving out and seeking other women. it shows me that in the moment, he is willing to try and hurt you instead of be understanding when the chips are down. remember that when you meet him to discuss what you guys are going to do together. if you do decide to work things out, try and forgive his actions but do not forget them, it is very hard to undo what he said to you, because in the heat of the moment, it always seems that there is a grain of truth in there. make sure that you express what you want to say calmly and clearly. do not let him him ruffle your feathers. ask the pertinent questions that matter to you. if he doesn't answer them, you know that it's not right.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: anna1414
Sun, 02-24-2008 - 3:50pm

Welcome to the board anna1414,


While I was reading your post and him constantly asking you when you were going back to work, I kept wondering if he's gotten himself into debt that you don't know about?


I totally agree with you that you can't 'un-say' certain things.