Decoding BF "Putting Things on Hold"
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| Thu, 12-16-2004 - 11:59am |
Hi Everyone -
I am new to the board and need your help. I will try to keep it short...
Ok I have been dating this guy for 6 months. We have know each other off and on for years. We went to school together, worked together for a short time, and dated for a few months about 5 years ago. Well 6 months ago I run into him at a restaurant and we pick right back up. We start with phone calls, dinner and dancing, concerts, etc. I spend time with his friends both out and at his work. He spends time with me and my friends and family. We introduce our kids, though we dont push this issue much because of our exes. So things were great for both of us.
Of course we had disagreements. We started fighting over what to do the next time we saw each other or when that would be. As we dated longer and got more comfortable I started to point out that some weeks I maybe heard from him once in a 7-10 day span. We managed to work them out.
Well last week I was working out at a resort close to home. I thought it would be a great idea to have him visit. We decided on a day and I was super excited. Well that day comes and he calls to see how I am and to let me know that nothing will prevent him from getting to the resort. I told him that was great and just to call me when he got there....no call/no show. I was hurt but exhausted so I went right to sleep and didnt worry about it too much. Mid-morning the next day he calls to see how my day is going, he asks how my work is going, how my kids are doing, if I am tired, etc. Then he apologizes for not showing up the night before. He said the reason he didnt is - he doesnt want to be with me right now. He had to be sure I understood that he was very much in love with me but had to get his life in order. He has since been calling to "check-in" or "to see how things are going" at least every other day.
I am devastated. I am trying really hard to be logical and not overly emotional but its really hard. Why if things were good and he swears he is in love with me would he dump me? When he called yesterday I asked him - "Just to clarify is it you dont want to be with me ever?" he answered "No its not like that at all, I am just putting us on hold until I get things straight - I just dont know how long that will be."
I guess at this point I just want some insight into a guys thought process. Does he really mean exactly what he said? Or did he want out and not want to feel like an ass? The emotional side of me worries there is more to the story.
What advise would you give as far as what to believe and what to do next?
Thanks
Jade

Sounds like to me he's making excuses. First of all, if he couldn't come to the resort to see you, then he should have called you to let you know he wouldn't be able to make it. That is ONLY common courtesy...would you ever make plans with a friend and then just not show up without calling???? Of course not....this is no different. Anytime someone says "I just need to put things on hold right now" is saying it because it is easier and sounds better than saying "I'm just not into this anymore". He calls you "every other day to check in" because he feels guilty.
My advice to you is to walk away from it all. You'll have more respect for yourself in the long run if you don't allow him to take you on this ride of his. I know it sucks...I'm going through the same thing right now...but you HAVE to be strong. If you allow him to string you along, then he'll keep stringing you along. You deserve better than this. Everybody does. Good Luck to you.
Unfortunately you cannot know exactly what he is thinking and at least for that reason you need to go ahead and assume this is the end of the relationship. My ex also told me that the timing was just wrong and he had to get his life in order and that maybe in a few months we would be perfect together. That was almost three months ago and I haven't heard from him. I know now my ex was commitment phobic (even other people have told me this) and I knew that no amount of time was going to fix him or his issues so I had to press on.
It hurts and it sucks that he decided to drop the ball on you all of the sudden. You have to ask yourself, do you REALLY want someone in your life who just freaks out and gives you mixed signals, "I love you but I don't want to be with you??" Do you really want a guy that you aren't sure is going to stick by your side regardless of what he is going through or what you are going through? I had to ask myself these same questions and the answer was no. I am sure he cares about you, I know my ex cares about me to some degree but he is the one that chose to break up with me and if he is having any doubts now or regretting his decision then that is his problem. My ex even told me he was probably making a huge mistake by letting me go but that even made me more angry with him since I thought he was just stupid at that point for even risking our relationship if he was having doubts about his decision. He was willing to risk losing me forever.
Your boyfriend didn't call to discuss or work things out with you, instead he just broke up with you. He made the decision. Whatever snapped in his little brain to make him think that you may never know, but he decided after everything you had together that he doesn't want to be in the relationship. He has now ripped the intimate bond you formed into pieces and he chose to do that.
One thing I have now adopted as my mantra is that if this guy took a look at me and everything we had together, all of the good times and everything about me and still decided to let me go that he wasn't worth my time. My ex also never tried to talk about things or address any issues, instead he just said he needed his space blah blah blah. Well, I gave it to him, he can have as much as he wants at this point. For good.
My advice is to also give your ex space, I know it is hard with the history you have together but my experience is that the guys who suddenly break things off without much warning or even trying to work things out have issues with the relationship, issues within themselves or maybe just issues being in any relationship period (commitment phobic in my case). These guys are likely to break up with you again, especially if they know you will always be there to take them back. He is probably making a big mistake and it doesn't make him a bad guy but it doesn't mean he is good for you either, don't let him suck you into his own confusion. Right now I would treat this as an official break up, do not contact him and don't talk to him if he contacts you, he will only fill your mind with more confusion as he has been doing. If at some point he realizes he was stupid then he should want to move mountains to be with you again, don't accept anything less. Right now things are emotional which is why you need to take some space, you need to take this opportunity to figure things out for yourself and take a step back on the relationship you had. Make him eat his words for now, he shouldn't tell you he wants space and not expect you to give it to him.
In the meantime, as cliche as it sounds, just try to focus on yourself right now and try to move on without him. This board is a good place for starters. I know it's hard :(
Sounds fairly simple to me.....you took his attention, the sharing events and interest and sex together...the introduction of children, etc. to mean "I want a relationship with you".
All that really meant was that he wanted someone to spend the night with, or spend some time with.
When you assumed that there were "feelings" involved (the female phraseology for i want a relationship") you then expected more of him. You expected more contact, more interaction, you expected more consideration, and more equality.
When there was no expectation except to spend time and live in the moment...he was fine with that. Because like he said - he's in transition right now and doesn't know what he wants in life, etc. So he's not in a position to choose a partner...he's in a position to enjoy diversion from his "putting together his life" - but that'll be done per his needs and agenda...not to meet other people's needs or expectations.
That's all he means.....he means you're totally hot, intelligent, attractive and desirable - but HIS life right now is in no position that he wants it to be in to "choose" a partner in life. Don't take that to mean "I don't make enough money" - and go reassuring him that what he makes is just fine with you - you two will make due.
What he means is that emotionally he is not "ready to settle down" - he can't commit without regret to anybody but "himself" - and so everything he does with other people is all about "living in the moment" - not "working in the moment to create a future".
It's that you want more, expect more, and he can't interact with you withoout being aware of that and stepping on those expectations...that has him saying "things are on hold".
He wouldn't mind having sex, spending time, and having no obligation or requirement...but what he's not about to do is make commitments or obligations..and the first way to get you assuming he's ready for that....is to start making concessions and meeting your needs over his own as if this is "a relationship".
It's not...dating is NOT a relationship. Dating is about living in the moment, enjoying the companionship, shared interests, and events, and conversation and sex if agreed to. But there is no "future' in dating.
Your actions and requests and decisions and words let him know "you'd developed feelings" - because you had expectations...which meant he had obligations..which is precisely what he does not want and will not take at this time.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
THANK YOU!! THANK YOU!! THANK YOU!!
Of all the boards I have sought advise from, this one makes the most sense! I am going to let him walk. I am going to not let him see me hurting. If he wants to come back and try again he will need to show he is serious BEFORE hand.
I will be venting here plenty I am sure, so thank you in advance as well.
Jade