Deep regret

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2004
Deep regret
11
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 10:51pm
I’m not really sure what the intention of this post is. I’ve broken new ground in my recovery and come to some startling realizations during the 3 months we’ve been apart. You ladies have been so helpful to me I just wanted to share some of my thoughts and experiences with you.

I am a typical man that most of you women are so disillusioned with. I dumped my girlfriend of 2 years about 3 months ago. I tried to get her back but she had already moved on and she refused my advances. I was broken hearted, of course, but after a month and a half of no contact I am over the intense pain and longing. But unlike most men, I felt that something had to change within me if I were ever to be successful in another relationship. As you might have concluded, this is not the first relationship I’ve fled from. Looking back at patterns in my life, I came to the startling conclusion that something was fundamentally wrong with me. So for the first time in my life, I dedicated myself to learning more about me and doing the necessary work to change whatever was going on inside me to want to flee every time the going got rough. This period of introspection started immediately after my breakup and continues to this day. I have learned a lot and have improved tremendously as a result, and it’s this I want to share with you, especially with any men that might be reading this that are having doubts about their women or are ambivalent in any way.

It is during this past week that I have come to deeply regret what I’ve done and what I’ve thrown away with this woman. Before I was just lonely and felt the sting of rejection. Now that the pain has stopped and I am able to look at things objectively and with newfound knowledge, I realize what a dreadful mistake I have made. And it’s too late to do anything about it. I know I will be able to overcome this but I have truly lost the love of my life and I’m not sure how this regret will manifest itself in my future personal life and in my future relationships. It makes me nervous to say the least. The first thing I learned, through counseling and self-help books, is that none of the problems I perceived were so threatening while I was with her was anybody’s fault but my own. The old mantras I used to chant to myself and to her…”I’d be happy if you didn’t fight with me,”

“You make me so mad when you do that,” “If you’d stop being down I wouldn’t be down” “Maybe we’re not meant to be together” were only the result of intense fear within ME….it had absolutely nothing to do with her. Fear ruled my life, especially in relationships. I was OK in the beginning when she’d come to me with a problem that had to do with some way I was behaving. I was more than happy to listen and comply. Eventually, every little thing she said negatively toward me ripped through me like a knife. I was scared to death she was going to reject me and there was no way I was going to let that happen. It was crucial for me to get back at her; do something before she did it to me. What an awful way to live in a relationship. I’ve since come a long way toward abolishing fear from my life. And I’ve opened myself up to be receptive to love and to give it back. I’m not with anyone right now but I sense the change even in the way I am toward the people around me. For example I have a nephew that lives in the same city that I’ve never bothered to get to know. Now I visit him all the time. I’ve forged new friendships and I have a more outgoing disposition. A co-worker came to me recently and said she was surprised I’m a single man. I was too ashamed to tell her why.

What’s really regretful is that I chose to make changes while being single. It was easier for me to run away from my problems than to tackle them head on. And I know better. I am an educated man. I have two university degrees and I teach for a living. I am a HUGE fan of learning. I took up fly fishing so I bought books to learn the process. I’m a self taught guitarist, extremely disciplined in my practice routine. I’ve read books on philosophy, poetry, engineering, psychology, you name it. I always encourage my students to never stop learning. But I ignored the most important thing all these years. ME. I never really acknowledged I had problems in relationships but if I had when I was with this woman I’d be with her today. She was willing to stand by me while I dealt with these issues. She was totally dedicated to me because she loved me. You women are such beautiful creatures in that way. For me it was more important to win the battle than the war. It was more important for me to protect myself than to swallow my pride and reciprocate the love that she gave me. And now I’ve lost something wonderful. I’m 37 years old and no woman loved me like she did. She gave me exactly what I needed in a relationship but I couldn’t handle her having even a slight problem with me. I made all kinds of excuses to blame her for my feelings. Toward the end I exaggerated problems and I even fabricated many. So sad, so very very sad.

Anyway if any men are reading this and are thinking about leaving your woman, my advice is to think twice and carefully consider what you presently have with the one who has chosen to dedicate her life to you. You may think the grass is greener, but trust me, it isn’t. Not if you have someone who loves you unconditionally. Sometimes you have to step up to the plate and make a promise to yourself to change the way you are, especially if a pattern of behavior continues to cause problems in your life. Like Dr. Phil says, you have to GET REAL with yourself. God has given you a wonderful gift so take the time to appreciate it. And ladies, if it’s any consolation, if any of your men were like me, it’s THEIR loss, not yours. If any of them took time to think about their own problems, they probably have regret like me. And sweetie, wherever you are, I am so sorry for causing you one day of pain. I hope you are happy in your present life and I certainly hope I haven’t caused any lasting damage.

CB

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
In reply to: canadianbill
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 11:06pm
I'm truly speechless.....your words made me cry....Your post is an inspiration that there really are good guys out there and for you to come to a public site and open up like this won all my respect. I just wish I could show my X this and that he'd actually take it to heart. I probably would but I don't want him to see my pain just now.

Thank you for posting this! The lady that ends up with you will be one lucky woman :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
In reply to: canadianbill
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 11:11pm
Canadian Bill,

That was an amazing post. I have posted my saga on ending an affair...it is long and so confusing...would you do me a favor and read it . I know that may be asking alot-- but I am hurting so much...this was a man I feel in love with 20+ years ago and we both broke each other's hearts once in the past...we somehow managed to stay friends...best friends. He was the one I could turn to and I was there for him too. The friendship really meant the most to me-- it always had. Then he got D and ...it is long...

You will find love or maybe refind love. Thanks so much

tb

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
In reply to: canadianbill
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 9:37am
Wow - I am impressed. I honestly do want to email the link to your post to my ex-boyfriend.

He is essentially just like you... A committment phobic who broke up with me 3 times in our 2.5 yr relationship. He is currently asking me to give it another shot, and I would like to, but honestly, it's been 2 months since we've split, and I'm doing so much better. I don't want to open myself up again only to have him leave me again. I don't think, unlike you, that he has seen the error of his ways... He did have reasons for leaving me but suddenly those reasons have disappeared??

I never felt appreciated while in the relationship - mostly taken for granted. He requires so much affirmation by people outside of our relationship which I think led him to cyber with girls online and even calling them on the phone.

Being a CP, or reformed CP, do you think its most likely that he has not improved? You read books and did counceling - he's done none of that, only to admit he is a committment phobe...

Thanks :) And good job!!! You should start teaching seminars.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
In reply to: canadianbill
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 10:12am
Did we date the same guy, Malena?? ;) Sounds all too familiar........
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
In reply to: canadianbill
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 10:17am
I will echo the chorus and thank you for posting. It made me cry a bit, which I haven't done in almost a week.

In the early part of our relationship, my ex told me that he never wanted me to deal with regrets regarding 'us'. Of course, as soon as we broke up I was regretting ever laying eyes on him. But one thing I have learned is todays regrets become tomorrows lessons. If you can leave a relationship knowing just a little more about yourself, and what you want, then eventually there will be no regrets.

Lois

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
In reply to: canadianbill
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 11:15pm
I'm soooo proud of you!!!! You've realized you've had a problem all this time and did and is still doing what you need to to fix it so you can find your true happiness. I know it takes a lot of courage and dedication and for that I applaud you!!!! You are an inspiration and I hope you stick around---its great to hear from you!! Thanks for your words of wisdom!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2004
In reply to: canadianbill
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 3:26pm
Listen I just want to thank eveyone for their thoughful replies. Those were SO encouraging. As I have discovered this week, the road ahead won't be easy. I have a long way to go and there are setbacks, times of utter despair and pessimism, and times of sadness. Sometimes I just want to throw in the towel and just accept the way I am and maybe resign myself to being alone. But then I am able to be hopeful and see light at the end of the tunnel. Thankfully, those times outnumber the negative.

CB

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
In reply to: canadianbill
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 6:17pm
I'm with the first two girls who replied!! I wanted to email this to my ex also! I wish he were as insightful and willing to learn and make any necessary changes as you are! Congratulations on your hard work! You are already reaping the rewards of self-improvement!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
In reply to: canadianbill
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 8:53pm
CB, I am terribly sorry you've come to realize, too late, how much you have lost. All I can say is that each new love in my life has brought something new to my experience and understanding of the world, and it seems like each new relationship has been stronger and more meaningful, deeper and more intimate, more approaching the ultimate love experience that I hope to have. So, it may feel like this last person was the last person you'll ever love, and although she is certainly unique and you'll never find her again, you might be surprised that the next woman to come along (it will happen, some day) will be even better for you, even more what you're looking for in a mate, and with your newfound awareness you will be better able to identify her when you meet her and able to make her happy and create for yourself the relationship you regret you didn't have with your ex. That may be unduly optimistic, because I'm not there yet, but I have been doing a lot of soul searching and have realized that, with each relationship I've had, I have refined my criteria, gotten closer to identifying and searching out the qualities and values that I want in a life partner, and have created increasingly close and meaningful connections with the wisdom and lessons I've learned from life in general and prior relationships. There's no reason to believe this all stopped when my relationship with my ex ended, that I stopped growing and learning. There really may be something even better for me down the road, as I'm sure there will be for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2004
In reply to: canadianbill
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 12:23am
Thank you for your words. Today my boyfriend of 5 years left. I forwarded your posting to him, I hope he reads it. Your words echoed his. And I too am one of those devoted woman. I would follow him to the end of the world. I saw his flaws and loved him anyway. Unconditionally is the correct term. He did not know what to do with my love. I don't regret a day that I loved him.

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