Delusional?
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Delusional?
| Fri, 07-27-2007 - 11:09am |
I never thought I would have to be on a board like this.
I have been in my relationship for 9 years. We had been together since jr. high. We were engaged this December. We were going to build a house. He is kind, caring, and loving.
Then about a month ago I took a study tour as my last credits for college. I came back totally enlightened. I had a clear mind and heart. I felt so good to be myself because I really hadn't taken the time to find me. When I came back I got this overwhelming feeling that he was scared to be around me. I didnt feel like he loved me but almost feared me. I told him that and there really was no straight answer from him. So I told him I thought we should take some time alone to think about things and why we are both feeling the way we do. I had every intention to be together in the end. I kept my ring and still talked to him when he needed to. He was devestated. For the last month he was going through agonizing hell. He would call me constantly and text me at least 20 times a day.
I went away for the weekend with the women in my family. The first day i was there he was doing the same thing. Crying and begging me to stop and to come back to him. I told him he needs to take some time for himself and think about himself. I figured that would be the best thing instead of obsessing over me.
At the end of the weekend I missed him so much. I called and told him I wasnt to see him and be with him. And he completely turned the tables. He acted indifferent and cold. This didnt really effect me too much on the first day. But now its the end of the week and he wont talk to me. He is acting like i am some parasite. I thought when he was going to have time to think about himself he wouldnt completely shut me out.
Well I havent been able to sleep or eat. I cant carry on with my day. I feel sick constantly. All I want is to hear from him. I just want to hear the love in his voice again.
I just cant believe this is happening to me. We had this unshakable bond for so long and now its just over? I dont know if i should prepare myself for it to be over or just say for now this is how its suppose to be and we will still be getting married next year. I dont want to be delusional but I dont want to get over him if i dont have to.
Thank you for reading. It helps just to know that im not the only one going through these feelings
I have been in my relationship for 9 years. We had been together since jr. high. We were engaged this December. We were going to build a house. He is kind, caring, and loving.
Then about a month ago I took a study tour as my last credits for college. I came back totally enlightened. I had a clear mind and heart. I felt so good to be myself because I really hadn't taken the time to find me. When I came back I got this overwhelming feeling that he was scared to be around me. I didnt feel like he loved me but almost feared me. I told him that and there really was no straight answer from him. So I told him I thought we should take some time alone to think about things and why we are both feeling the way we do. I had every intention to be together in the end. I kept my ring and still talked to him when he needed to. He was devestated. For the last month he was going through agonizing hell. He would call me constantly and text me at least 20 times a day.
I went away for the weekend with the women in my family. The first day i was there he was doing the same thing. Crying and begging me to stop and to come back to him. I told him he needs to take some time for himself and think about himself. I figured that would be the best thing instead of obsessing over me.
At the end of the weekend I missed him so much. I called and told him I wasnt to see him and be with him. And he completely turned the tables. He acted indifferent and cold. This didnt really effect me too much on the first day. But now its the end of the week and he wont talk to me. He is acting like i am some parasite. I thought when he was going to have time to think about himself he wouldnt completely shut me out.
Well I havent been able to sleep or eat. I cant carry on with my day. I feel sick constantly. All I want is to hear from him. I just want to hear the love in his voice again.
I just cant believe this is happening to me. We had this unshakable bond for so long and now its just over? I dont know if i should prepare myself for it to be over or just say for now this is how its suppose to be and we will still be getting married next year. I dont want to be delusional but I dont want to get over him if i dont have to.
Thank you for reading. It helps just to know that im not the only one going through these feelings

How does it feel? I agree with hopeful, seems he's giving you a dose of your own medicine. Alll of your questions, every single one of them, is probably what he went through, what you put him through. For what reason did you do it?
Maybe, instead of making sweeping though well-intentioned decisions for *both* of you about taking time apart, etc., you would do well to learn to talk through your fears, problems, issues together.
From what you wrote, he ended up having valid fears or concerns about being around you after that trip. Maybe he thought you might change, maybe he thought you might have ourgrown him (hey, it happens) and you totally validated those fears of his by saying you need time apart when he couldn't find the words to express what was going on inside.
I'm not trying to give you a hard time, well, maybe just a little, what I'm trying to get across is to *talk* through things with your fiancee instead of making decisions for both of you by yourself. He's just as much an equal in this relationship, and has a right to equal say. He's just showing you that.
Give him a little time to cool down, he's flexing his muscles right now ("how you like *them* apples"), and keep your 'door' open. If it goes longer than a couple of weeks, give him a call or write him a note.
So, no, you don't have to get over it right now.
Good luck, let us know how it goes.
Welcome to the board peace55,
I want you to read Sandra's post a few times, because I totally agree with her.
I admit that i was selfish by calling the shots in the relationship and not talking about it with him at first. And i understand why he feels betrayed and mad because i really have a larger perspective on it now. I have been totally knocked off horse and completely rattled to the core.
I know he is telling me that he doesnt want me any more and that there is absolutely no hope, he doesnt want to give me any false hope. But then he will say things like "you will always have a special place in my heart" and "i want to see other people, and if im thinking about you when im with them then maybe...." so it is hard for me to really understand.
I know he needs space. He doesnt want to see me, mostly because it is too hard. for whatever reason its too hard. that he doesnt want to see me upset or he doesnt want to get upset. (which i dont think he will get upset)
So i have decided that when i say "I will do anything to get him back." i dont really mean anything. I mean that I am going to put my pride and my heart on the line to earn back trust and to show him that i truely love him. I cant force him into it but just reminders of the good. because my words mean nothing if there is no action. i wont smother him. or stalk him. but im not giving up. im not believing that 9 years can have a stern and solid answer of "no" especially from a man that is very indissive and a relationship is so rooted in both of our lives.