depression is back, I'm scared

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2005
depression is back, I'm scared
15
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 8:56am

Hi all,

It's been awhile since I posted last...I had been going back and forth with the same guy but now it's really over, and on top of that, I can feel my depression creeping back. Let's see, where to begin...my bf and I have been together on and off for 11 years, and I'm only in my mid-twenties. We were highschool sweethearts and got back together after my freshman year of college. Then we had one short breakup--2 and a half months--and then were back on up until 4 weeks ago. We even lived together for 2 years. We moved back to our home state this summer but I decided we shouldn't live together anymore because there was no talk of marriage or engagement or the future of the relationship of any kind. I doubted the whole relationship, wasn't sure if I was happy enough with him, and definitely was doubting his feelings for me since there was no talk of our future. My ex is quite immature and just not ready for a bigger commitment, even though living together is quite a major thing, at least in my eyes. So we were still together here, even if not living together. Still no talk of marriage, but we briefly discussed living together again. I missed him even though I still doubted our feelings. I kept thinking that I could be treated better, loved more, taken care of by someone more on my maturity level. Finally, it all kind of blew up one day with him bringing up the fact that things weren't going too well with us and that he wasn't sure if we should end it, but something was missing. So I took that as my chance out of the situation, and even though it hurt like hell, agreed with him and that was that. He didn't seem positive that breaking up was the answer, but I made the decision for him. And it hurt, but after a few days, I began to see the positive side and was making good progress.

A few days ago, though, things kind of crashed. I'm sure it's due to many factors, including the fact that I have been on anti-depressants for years (successfully) and recently I began taking an herbal supplement to help clear my skin. I think the herb affected the anti-depressants and before I know it, those old feelings are back. That low, low feeling, that darkness, that anxiety. I'm having trouble eating and I can't stay out of the bathroom for too long. It's more than just the break-up, because I really was progressing from that. But know my ex is all I can think about, I'm transferring these depressed feelings to the breakup even though they may not be related. Add all this to the fact that I live alone, and we have quite a difficult situation. I am really scared, scared that this feeling won't go away. I stopped taking the herb as soon as I started feeling this way, but I still don't feel back to "normal." I have appts. lined up in the next few weeks with my regular dr. and a therapist, but I hope I can make it til then. I'm honestly scared and I want out of this dark hole!

Thank you.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 10:25am

Jennifer,

Please take care of yourself and don't do anything to hurt yourself. You are too valuable a person. I would try calling your doctor Tuesday morning and trying to get your doctor to work you in that day on an emergency basis. Mental health is just as important as physical health! You may also want to call your insurance company and see if you can talk to one of their nurses today, or go to a pharmacy that's open today and talk to a pharmacist about possible drug interactions that may have occurred. Most large insurance companies have nurses who are on call 24/7. If you get your medication through the mail, the pharmacy benefits manager copmany generally also has a 24/7 line where you can talk to a pharmacist. If you are afraid that you may hurt yourself, please go somewhere where you will be around friends and family and call a suicide crisis line. It's great that you are also going to a therapist. Don't do anything rash. If worse comes to worse, go to the emergency room.

The holidays may be contributing to your depression, too. And you mentioned other issues that may be masked by the breakup. I totally understand what you are going through.

Also, can you find something that will taste decent to eat? I haven't been able to eat, but I have been eating Luna bars and vitamin shakes so that I get calories and vitamins. Also, I noticed that I can eat OK with other people, so I pack more for lunch at work, went to eat at a friend's last night, etc. It helps me to be around people who aren't suffering and to talk about regular things.

Please keep everyone on the board posted about how you are doing. This feeling will pass, and it is positive that you are seeking help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2005
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 2:49pm

Thank you, PGLT, for your reply. It means so much to know that someone is out there who knows what I am going through. Right now I am doing whatever I can to feel even a little bit better. After I posted my last message, I drove up to my parents' house (a few hours away) and am now letting myself relax and be taken care of, if only for a couple days. My mom is going to drive back with me Tuesday morning and stay through the weekend. I go back to work on Wednesday, and I think that will be a good distraction.

I guess I am really praying that my biggest problem is that my meds got messed up. To me, that seems like the easiest thing to fix. I know that there are other issues, but I don't want the break-up to be the reason that I am feeling THIS low. Yes, it hurts, but I thought I was progressing!

I'm trying hard not to think about the ex, not to wish for things to go back the way they were (because, hello, I wasn't happy, not completely), and NOT to call him because it would only set me back further. I want to get involved in activities to keep me busy, but I also want to reach the point where I can be happy just being with me.

What I wish for me and for all of us out there hurting inside is a new year full of positivity and happiness. We deserve that and we will get it, we just have to believe. Yes, it hurts like hell now, but it will get better. This too shall pass.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2006
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 4:06pm
I really feel for you, since I'm going through a similar situation right now. My boyfriend and I, after six years of being together, broke up a couple of days before Christmas. It's been really hard for me not to call him, but I know it's the right thing. Anyway, I also suffer from depression and from what I've been reading about break-ups, you have to expect some type of mourning process, just as if someone you loved has died. It's fairly common to not want to eat, to want to lay in bed or not get dressed, when someone goes through this mourning. It definitely feels to me like when I was depressed in the past, but the difference here is that I'm not feeling bad about myself, I'm feeling bad that the relationship is over. It's a major change in your life, and one of the most stressful things you'll ever have to go through, but you will be OK and will look back on this in time knowing that it was the right decision to end a relationship that wasn't making you happy, and possibly a contributing factor in your depression. I think it's great that you know yourself and know when it's time to get support from professionals and family. I think you should also have a good friend to help you through the following month or so, so when you feel the urge to call him, she/he will be there to support you and help preserve your dignity. As for me, the idea of being with someone who isn't going to belittle me and make me feel sad and depressed is one I keep focusing on. I wish you all the best and know you'll be happy very, very soon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2005
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 6:10pm

Thanks for the reply. When I was with my ex, my depression was never an issue because it was stabalized due to my meds. I was just always wanting more from him, I never felt like he loved me enough...I know he loved me, but he's just so much more immature than me and doesn't see a commitment in his future at this point. I wanted more, and knowing that he didn't made me unhappy in the relationship but not depressed. The feeling I have now is just like my depression was--very doom and gloom, not eating, trouble sleeping, digestive issues. It's not just the breakup that I'm thinking about either. Now I am scared about everything. Living alone is a major one. I now feel so utterly alone even though I have a wonderful family and friends who care. I feel like death. I am hoping and praying that my meds just need to get back to normal (although it's been a few days since I've been off that damn herbal supplement--shouldn't I feel normal by now!?). I understand that the breakup will affect me, but I wasn't doing this poorly a week ago. I'm just scared that this feeling won't go away, that the darkness won't lift. How am I going to go back to work like this? I can hardly force myself to take a shower. I just want to sleep and sleep until I can wake up happy.

Part of me just wants to rewind, go back to when I was living with my ex, and just be happy with the way things were. They certainly were better than this hell I am going through now. I don't want to hear that I'll meet someone wonderful. That's not what I want at this point. I just want to feel like living again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2006
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 7:06pm

Hi Jennifer,

Sorry you're going through this right now. I've also have a history of depression (and am currently back on meds) so I know about that awful feeling where I'm scared that I'll be stuck in that dark hole and never come out. But the thing is, I always do. Every single time I've gone through a depressive episode, it's always the same story - feeling that sense of hopelessness and thinking things will never change. But I always get out of it eventually. And I know you will too. I know it's tough to stay positive when you're in the depths of a depression, but you HAVE to tell yourself (even if you don't believe it) that things will get better. They will!

I think you also need to get in touch with your feelings about the break-up. I know you said that you were fine before, and that you don't think the break-up triggered anything. It's one thing to mentally know that a relationship isn't working, it's quite another to emotionally accept that. I was in a very similar situation actually. Not the length of time or anything like that. But what you said here could have been written by me: "I was just always wanting more from him, I never felt like he loved me enough...I know he loved me, but he's just so much more immature than me and doesn't see a commitment in his future at this point. I wanted more, and knowing that he didn't made me unhappy in the relationship." This unhappiness eventually led to us breaking up. And I was a wreck afterwards. I knew it had to end, but I was still REALLY upset. I couldn't get out of bed, I didn't want to do anything, talk to anyone. This is what led me to get back on meds actually. Things are better now. Still not great. But I've allowed myself to really mourn the end of the relationship. It wasn't perfect, but I miss it. And I think as long as I keep missing it, the mourning won't be completely over. But the difference is that I can see a time when I will be. And that keeps me moving forward everyday.

Anyway, take good care of yourself. Allow yourself to wallow and not feel bad about it. It's terrible being depressed, and adding guilt on top of that makes everything worse. You'll get out of it. I promise. Please keep posting and let us know how you're doing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2005
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 7:50pm

Hi Yuffie,

I'd like to hear more about your situation...the break up, the depression, etc. How long ago did you break up with your ex? What meds do you take? These boards are so helpful, hearing that other people have gone through the same things and have come out strong is the best thing for me. I'm just praying for that day when I feel content again, comfortable in my own skin, you know? I know I need to acknowledge the pain I am feeling from the breakup, but I guess I am just trying to put it out of my mind. When I think about it, I feel regret. And I HATE that!

Thanks again. My prayers are with you and all of us who are hurting tonight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2006
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 2:35am

The depression was sort of lingering around even before the break-up. But when the break-up happened (last month), it really pushed me back to a place I'm all to familiar with. I was sleeping 12 hour days, not really taking care of myself, etc. So I went to my old doc and he put me on Wellbutrin. It helped at first, but I'm sliding back into sleeping a lot. I'm trying to get myself to work-out more regularly, because that's supposed to help. But it's been hard to do that with the holidays. I'm hoping to really ramp it up this week.

Anyway, do you see a therapist? Talking to someone might help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 9:20am

What you wrote is totally how I am feeling. I met my b/f on line 7 yrs ago and we talked for 2 before I ever met him (we lived a few states away and we were having so much fun just talking--meeting was just another suspense that was exciting).
After 2 yrs we finally met and 11 mths later I moved to be with him. We've been living together now for 4 yrs and there are times where it feels like it's touch and go and we're not on the same page. He knows that I want to get married, heck I'm 34 yrs old, and I just feel it's time. He tells me that he can't afford it right now but eventually we will. This makes me very frustrated and unhappy b/c I feel like the relationship is going nowhere. I didn't move 7 hrs from my friends and family to live in sin forever and be in the same place I was when I came here 4 yrs later. I know it sounds pathetic and maybe a bit inconsiderate but he has money for things he wants just not to move us forward.

We had Christmas with his family they came to our place and I bought all the presents and make stockings etc so it was real nice for everyone. Wed he went out of town to visit friends and hasn't been back yet... nope, not even for New Years Eve. We've not spoken for more than 5 min since Wed and he told me Fri that he thinks we've grown apart and he knows he's not going to marry me and I should just move back with my family.

I am sooo sad and my heart is breaking and I have noone to talk to. My family is supportive and I have started looking for a job back home but it doesn't make me feel anybetter. I feel like my life is over and there is nothing good ever going to happen to me. They of course assure me that's not true but I'm not so sure. I cry all day and fall asleep early but then am awake every 2 hrs and wide awake at 6am just stewing. I haven't eaten since Friday (maybe a bowl of doritos is all).I'm just not hungry and constantly feel like my stomach is in knots.

It's nice to come here and have some people going thru the same thing I am to listen to me though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2005
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 9:23am

Hi,

I will start seeing a therapist again tomorrow. I haven't had to see one in years, but I definitely need one now. I feel as though each day is getting worse, not better. Last night, I felt a lift in the depression, same as the night before. But when I wake up in the mornings, it's back, full force. I honestly just want to die right now, to escape this pain. I can hardly even think straight. I'm tired, but I can't sleep past 6:30 am, I'm hungry, but have to force myself to eat and not throw up afterwards. This feels like so much more than just the breakup. This is depression, and I'm terrified. Especially because I'm still taking antidepressants. I'm finding it harder to believe that the herbal supplement I took for only a couple of days could be causing my meds to STILL be ineffective. So what is it? What is causing this utter despair? Like I said, yes, I was sad over the breakup, I wasn't thrilled about living alone, but I didn't want to end it all like I do now. This is terrifying. I want OUT.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 4:14pm

Hi Jennifer,


I'm Sandra, the leader of this board and I wanted to tell you I've heard you.

Myspace Codes

Pages