depression is back, I'm scared

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2005
depression is back, I'm scared
15
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 8:56am

Hi all,

It's been awhile since I posted last...I had been going back and forth with the same guy but now it's really over, and on top of that, I can feel my depression creeping back. Let's see, where to begin...my bf and I have been together on and off for 11 years, and I'm only in my mid-twenties. We were highschool sweethearts and got back together after my freshman year of college. Then we had one short breakup--2 and a half months--and then were back on up until 4 weeks ago. We even lived together for 2 years. We moved back to our home state this summer but I decided we shouldn't live together anymore because there was no talk of marriage or engagement or the future of the relationship of any kind. I doubted the whole relationship, wasn't sure if I was happy enough with him, and definitely was doubting his feelings for me since there was no talk of our future. My ex is quite immature and just not ready for a bigger commitment, even though living together is quite a major thing, at least in my eyes. So we were still together here, even if not living together. Still no talk of marriage, but we briefly discussed living together again. I missed him even though I still doubted our feelings. I kept thinking that I could be treated better, loved more, taken care of by someone more on my maturity level. Finally, it all kind of blew up one day with him bringing up the fact that things weren't going too well with us and that he wasn't sure if we should end it, but something was missing. So I took that as my chance out of the situation, and even though it hurt like hell, agreed with him and that was that. He didn't seem positive that breaking up was the answer, but I made the decision for him. And it hurt, but after a few days, I began to see the positive side and was making good progress.

A few days ago, though, things kind of crashed. I'm sure it's due to many factors, including the fact that I have been on anti-depressants for years (successfully) and recently I began taking an herbal supplement to help clear my skin. I think the herb affected the anti-depressants and before I know it, those old feelings are back. That low, low feeling, that darkness, that anxiety. I'm having trouble eating and I can't stay out of the bathroom for too long. It's more than just the break-up, because I really was progressing from that. But know my ex is all I can think about, I'm transferring these depressed feelings to the breakup even though they may not be related. Add all this to the fact that I live alone, and we have quite a difficult situation. I am really scared, scared that this feeling won't go away. I stopped taking the herb as soon as I started feeling this way, but I still don't feel back to "normal." I have appts. lined up in the next few weeks with my regular dr. and a therapist, but I hope I can make it til then. I'm honestly scared and I want out of this dark hole!

Thank you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 5:18pm

Sweetie, please please please stop taking that herbal thing.

Susan

"Success is building a foundation wit

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2003
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 6:38pm

Hi Jennifer,


I'm so glad you have this wonderful community to help you deal with your tough break up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2005
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 8:26pm

Thank you all for your replies. I am doing a bit better this evening. Mornings are definitely the hardest. In the past, nights were the worst, so this is a bit strange for me. I am slowly progressing, but yes, it's like one step forward, two steps back. I see a therapist tomorrow, I am really looking forward to it. I did stop taking that damn herbal suppplement a couple days ago, and my meds might just be getting back to normal, since I feel fairly okay right now. I guess only time will tell.

I will keep strong, if not for me, for my family. I am trying to have faith in the fact that I've gotten out of depression before, so I should be able to do it again. And I am very proud that I resisted the urge to call the jerk today :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 8:48pm

Glad you're feeling a bit better today.

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2007
Tue, 01-02-2007 - 2:11am

Jennifer,
It is so hard to try to get over a relationship, specially a long term one. You are young and though you probably don't want to hear this now, it is good that you have realised that this isn't the partnership you want to develop for the rest of your life. I was in a relationship that started when I was 20 and lasted for 12 years. It ended last year to my surprise! I was a wreck for about 3 months and after 13 months, I am still trying to get over it. It definitely has gotten better. I can function and do all the normal things I used to do. Talking to others who have had similar experiences and reading some wonderful books on this has helped alot!

Getting over a relationship, in my opinion, is like peeling the layers of an onion. There are so many things you have to deal with, so many layers and it's complex. You are feeling and releasing everything and as you peel away at the layers, you will get better. Needless to say, this is a sloooowww process for most people. When I was feeling like you are now, one of the hardest things to comprehend was the emotional roller coaster I was dealing with; it didn't make sense why I felt ok one minute and horrible the next 2 hours and then ok again. It's messy and excrutiating.

I pray that you will one day feel good without the antidepressants. In the meantime, please know that whatever you feel is OK. There is no right and wrong. You are facing a major change in life and are learning and growing so much! My therapist always says that "One thing you can count on in life is change." Don't be afraid of it. Be strong and embrace that your life is at a turning point and maybe whatever's around the corner is more awesome than what you've ever had in the past...

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