Depression Breakup

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2006
Depression Breakup
6
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 1:00pm

Okay...first post here. Hold on to your butts. LOL

I have been with my husband (soon to be ex-husband) for 17 years - more than half of my life. We've been married for 12. My husband started to get severely depressed last July - his brother was diagnosed with colon cancer and he has a host of other family problems. Long story short, my husband left and his brother sadly died. Unfortunately, since he was already severely depressed, he had avoided all his brothers calls and e-mails for four months and never got a chance to talk to him before he died. Understandably, he went into a tailspin of depression which he refuses/refused to confront or get help for. He's blocked out all his friends and family and won't talk to anyone. Well, I'll be honest, he's not talking to anyone I know. He could have a slew of people he's talking to.

Anyway, fast forward almost a year. It's been back and forth because of the depression - I just need to be alone, I don't think we should throw away our marriage and I think we should try counseling, I can't do counseling right now because I'm not ready and finally ending with I want a divorce. All devastating to hear. Especially since he claims to still love me.

So...I've been doing well - taking care of myself, going to my own therapy, staying close to my friends, etc. But I just cannot cut the cord. The thought of no contact with him is almost unbearable (like it's bringing tears to my eyes as I'm writing this) and I feel like I just can't let go. I feel like a life-line for him since I'm the only one (again, that I know of) that he still talks to.

Any suggestions??

Sorry...I should have put this on the other subsection of the board...




Edited 6/20/2006 1:07 pm ET by socal_lizarina
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2005
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 2:33pm
hey there
I can't offer suggestions as I am at the beginning of all of this, but I can offer support for you as I am going through the same rollercoaster. We've been married 6 years and just had our second baby two weeks ago. For the past year, mike has been withdrawn. He says he loves me, but doesn't have the feelings that he should have. I think he is depressed, but he won't go to therapy either. He is ready to throw in the towel and all that I have done is cry.
What are your friends saying?> I haven't even told anyone as we are always regarded as the perfect pair and it will shock the hell out of everyone.
do you have children? is it a day to day thing, so yoiu have any happy moments left?
hang in there...you're not alone
chris
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2006
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 3:16pm

Oh man...as nice as it is to have people who understand what you're going through, it's so hard to see someone who is.

I've done a crapload of research on depression since my husband went through this ordeal. He's also told me the whole I love you, but I'm not in love with you stuff. He wants me to move on because he thinks that he can't ever make me happy. I mean, that's true because only I can make myself happy, but we had a GREAT relationship for 17 years. And I know that things could be better if we worked on whatever it was that caused him to walk out.

Oh, and to answer your question, we don't have any kids. And I know exactly what you mean about telling people. That was the hardest part, I think. There was no talk of him leaving until he came home one day from work and said he was moving out. At first I didn't say anything to anyone other than my closest friends. It was humiliating and I felt like a failure. None of those things were true, but it's what I felt.

As far as happy moments - really none with him. We've done a few things since he left, but not much. He is really a master isolator and doesn't like to talk to anyone. He will talk to me and when possible, we can REALLY talk about things. I mean, I care about him as a friend and hate to see anyone going through this.

Something I would recommend for you to take a look at is a book called Depression Fallout. Someone recommended it to me and it was fantastic. Dealing with someone with depression is a complete rollercoaster ride. Also, they have a great forum.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 12:04am

Holy moly girl, "hold onto your butts" is right!

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2006
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 4:34am

I've read your posts, and I really feel for you.

My husband went into a deep depression over a year ago, for many reasons, and is only now starting to look and sound and be the man I married 19 years ago, once again.

The advantage you have over me is that when this happened, I/we didn't know what we were dealing with until it was well underway. I wish I had, and gotten help for myself, as you are doing, if not for him, but if the person who is sick doesn't want to get help, then they can't be forced.

Your circumstances are different from mine, but some of the things you said have rung a bell for me, so circumstances might not matter that much, the disease, depression, is the same.

The one thing I really want to share with you, though, is to be careful of your own health. I didn't get depressed because of what we lived through, but over a period of half a year, I started to get sick and come down with one thing after another, which is unusual for me. I know it is because of the stress I was living with. It took its toll on me, just as his depression did on him.

Good luck with this, you really have a LOT to deal with, all at the same time.

Nenu

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2006
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 12:20pm
It's funny you ask when I'm going to say enough. I did last night. He was supposed to come over on Monday to talk and get the rest of his things, but he called and cancelled. He said he'd call the next day (yesterday) to set up a new time. Of course, he didn't. It doesn't sound like such a big deal, but it's been a year of this shiz. And whenever I need to have any interaction with him (regarding bills, taxes, whatever) it makes me start to swirl down this vortex of pain and anxiety. LOL. That was a little dramatic. So, after crying my eyes out yet AGAIN when he didn't call last night, I decided enough of this. I have to look out for myself - he's a big boy. I packed up the rest of his crap, brought it in to work with me and am either going to drop it at his apartment or have it couriered to his work. I need to just face the music and give up. It'll be hard at first because I know he'll call when he gets the stuff, but I'm going to stand firm. I'm getting off the rollercoaster ride.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 1:22pm

Sounds like you're feeling stronger today and I'm glad, conviction is a powerful tool :)

Myspace Codes