desperate and scared

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2006
desperate and scared
7
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 10:33am
Hi everybody... I am feeling lost and desperate and don't know where to go and have nobody to talk to. My boyfriend and I had been together for almost 5 years. I've done everything for him and pretty much raised is 4 year old son since he was 6 months old. I went to my mom's in pennsylvania for christmas and new years, the day after I come back I'm in my bedroom w/ his 4 year old son and he's sitting on my bed and he says "daddy & crystal slept here".... after asking him alot more questions I find out while i was at my moms I find out he works with this girl, he had her and her 3 kids spend the night and with all them there him and this slut slept together in our bed! A lady I work with, her inlaw works with him so I called her to find out for me how long this has been going on, turns out its been going on for a long time! So I told him that in order for me to stay in the house (which we rent) he would have to sware to me that he would stop whatever it is he has with this skank and if he talks to her that its only work related. He refused! He just kept yelling "you can't control my life"! So I had 2 of my coworkers spouses help me move out the next day and right now I'm staying with a friend and about to rent a small efficiency for me and my cat, until I can transfer my job someplace closer to my moms and family. He made it sound like he was going to stay there, but as I'm moving my stuff out he moves his and his sons stuff out too! Turns out hes having his son now live with his grandmother and hes got a room someplace! I just can't believe he gave all this up for some stupid whore! I feel like I have lost everything. I love him and his son so much. I have raised his son as if he were my own since he was just a little baby, his mother has pretty much abandoned him, hasn't even talked to him in a year, so I am pretty much a mother to him. I feel like I am going insane. I know he's bad for me, look at what he's done! How f***ing selfish to risk your family and everything in all 3 of our lives for some slut! But I am feeling so desperate right now I'm afraid that if I could get back together with him I would.... just so I could stop feeling so lost and alone. How do I make this stop?? I am tired of crying and wondering if he's sorry and if he ever really loved me. He's a 33 and I'm 34, I thought we were adults and he was mature enough to put at least his son's well being first. I make alot more money than him so I gave him everything he and his son wanted, got a car loan so he'd have a car so he wouldn't be stuck at home and could get to work. Now I'm stuck w/ 2 car loans because his credit is so bad he can't take the loan over. And the fact that I owe more than its worth makes it harder to get rid of. God I miss them both so much. I really want to see his son again because the poor guy I'm sure is wandering what happened to me. Last time he saw me his daddy was yelling at me and he yelled to him "Daddy stop yelling at Jen!" and then his grandmother took him out the door. I have no friends here other than my work friends, but they all have families and husbands, like the woman I'm staying with now has a husband and 3 daughters so i feel like I intruding and that she doesn't have time to console me and listen to my sobbing crying misery. I feel alone, lost, overwhelmed, and desperate... god, anyone have advise? Reading the other posts it does feel good to know I'm not the only one going through this right now. But his son makes it all that much harder for me right now. I don't want him to think I abandoned him too, like his real mother did...
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2006
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 6:33pm
Hi there,
I know you are scared, I even cried when I read your post. You probably feel like you can't breathe, your stomach is in knots, you might even have thrown up. Everything around you reminds you of him (and his/your son.) I can tell that you are in a lot of pain. I wish I could make it better, I wish there was something that would fix it. I'm dealing with a similiar situation although I didn't get cheated on. The question is; what do you want to do? Would you ever trust him again? do you think that he would do this again? Was there something that happened in his life that could have made him do this? Have you talked to him since it all happened? If you ever need anyone to talk to, I'm around, more than willing to talk to you, crying is alright, let it flow out, you are allowed to.
-Sara
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 6:55pm

I'm so, so sorry to hear about what you're going through. What a selfish jerk your ex is!!! His poor son...

Is seeing a counselor a possibility? I ask because you are not only dealing with the end of a relationship due to a betrayal (which is always devastating) but also with guilt about your ex's son. It's not YOU who should feel guilty, of course...this isn't your fault and you did the right thing to end it. But because you're a good person, you feel sorry for his son. However, in order for you to move on and recover, you need to let go of that.

If counseling isn't an option, perhaps you could at least attend some CODA (Codependents Anonymous) meetings. You taking care of your ex financially sounds like a sign of codependence, so you might benefit from that program.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2006
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 9:05am
Thanks guys for responding! When it comes to if I could ever trust him again, I highly doubt it. He'd have to earn my trust and I don't think he's willing to do that. The one time I have talked to him since I left he was yelling at me and telling me I was never allowed to see Tyson again because I didn't want to pay 1/2 of the oil bill. After that I did pay 1/2 and called him back to let him know I paid it and I haven't heard from him since. His mother has told him to leave me alone and not call me so I don't know if thats part of the reason or if it's cause he's now with this girl he cheated on me with. I don't know what the deal is. I can't stop thinking about him and how I wish he'd call and apoligize and say he was wrong and he loves me and promise never to do it again. I know I was good for him and his son, so why would he ruin it? But if he did come back I know I would always question what he's doing when he's not with me. I'd be afraid to go to my moms for holidays. Right now staying at my coworkers house she does keep me somewhat distracted with her family and all thats going on there. I'm afraid when I move into my efficiency later this week that I'll go nuts and actually give in to my urges to call him. His mother refused to talk to me, which I don't understand because I've done nothing wrong. I have thought about talking to a counselor, my work gives me 10 free sessions if I call this one hotline they have. I don't know why I'm afraid to do that too. I appreciate you all listening. I feel so alone and like I've lost everything. :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 4:29pm

I would just like to reiterate Sheri's advice about CoDA. Why don't you vist the Codependents and Love Addicts board. You can get valuable information and learn more about yourself than you thought possible. I think you will find that the board will give you the courage to make that first move -- which is the hardest.

Lois

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2006
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 7:28pm
Well I did the thing everybody is saying shouldn't be done and I called him. What a mistake that was. All I did was leave a stupid message on his pager but when he called back and left a message he was so mean and cold and that just set me off the deep end. Just like someone said on a post hear somewhere, it was like it just ripped the scab off my wound and I feel like the little bit of progress I made went down the drain. It was so bad I ended up calling this 24 hour crisis number my work gave me and now I have 8 free counseling sessions starting tomorrow. I'm really hoping it'll help. Because I know feeling like I have nobody to talk to certainly isn't a help. God I wish I could just turn these feelings off. It's been 2 weeks, I don't know how much longer I can deal with feeling this way.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 8:16pm

Hey there, we've all made that kind of mistake and lived to tell about it...don't beat yourself up too badly. What's done is done.

I'm SO glad you are starting counseling tomorrow, that's great. I hope you get a good counselor, but if you don't feel comfortable with the person, don't hesitate to ask whoever manages your counseling/insurance if you can talk to someone else.

You might also consider seeing if there are CODA meetings in your area. The website is http://www.coda.org/newcom.html

Hang in there...I know it feels like these feelings won't pass but they will. Unfortunately, "the only way out is through"...you can't fast forward through the feelings.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2006
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 6:25pm
Well, went to counseling, he was ok I suppose, too bad it takes more than one session for any help. My ex did call me today to apoligize for being so mean on a message he left me yesterday. All I could do was cry and apoligize for crying. I think I need to do what I've read on some other posts and make a list of all the bad things about him. Because the begging pitiful Jen, willing doing anything to get him back is coming to surface, so I have to do something to stop that from happening. I still haven't seen his son since this all happened. I really want to see him, I miss him terribly, is it the right thing to see him? I mean he's really not my son even though I raised him since he was a baby. I don't know what they've been saying to him. I told his grandmother to call me whenever it's good for me to come over and visit, but she hasn't called me. I was supposed to see him last week but then she called me and cancelled. I am really afraid of messing him up more than he already is because of his natural mother abandoning him. I'm afraid all I'll be able to do when I see him is cry. I miss us being a family so much.