Desperate for help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Desperate for help!
3
Tue, 12-28-2004 - 12:42am

Hi...I've never been to a discussion board before, but I figured that the only way I was going to receive any kind of objective advice about my situation, is if I approach people who can relate to my problems but don't know me personally. My friends and family are too close to me...

Anyway. This may be a bit long, but I'm going to go anyway. My boyfriend of a year broke up with me in the beginning of December... It wasn't an "out of the blue" thing; we have had many problems in recent months both in our relationship and personally. He has been going through a police academy in the last few months, and has only recently moved up from in-house training to on-the-street training. He's a type-A personality who always strives for perfection, and this job has been his dream for years. In the earlier days of our relationship, we both worked in the same place and it was comfortable for both of us. However, with this new job, he has experienced the stress to succeed on a much stronger level than even before.

Moving on...he told me he didn't break up with me because he never wants to get back together, or because he doesn't still love me. Right now, he says he just needs to be on his own. He doesn't want the responsibilities and committment that comes with a relationship, with being a "boyfriend". He isn't looking to date anyone else right now, because he still doesn't know what he wants with us. We still spend time together; he's in the process of moving out of my apartment(where he has been for the last 10 months) but he's still going to come over. In the past five weeks, we've only been intimate twice and although we still kiss and hug, it's not the same as before the break-up. I asked him if we're still dating, and he can only say he doesn't want to "define us". I understand that he wants time to himself right now; I respect his need! However, I can't help but think that I don't want our relationship to completely end(for now or for good) until we give it another chance. With fairness to both of us, we have BOTH made different mistakes that have led us to this point. I can't speak for what he feels, but I can for me. I was an insecure and jealous person during our relationship. I was so irritated with his friendships with his ex-girlfriends, even though they were platonic. I hated the fact that he tended to "compartmentalize" his life; he kept me, his friends, his family, his job, and other personal things generally separate from each other. He introduced me to his friends & family but didn't necessarily encourage mixing the two(except he did invite me many times to interact with his grandmother, who is the most important person in his life). I just wanted to be included with other things in his life.

Anyway...I know that many things have led us to this point and I take equal responsibility. However, what's making me so upset is the unknown. What is going to happen in the future with us? He says that if we're meant to be together, then we'll end up together no matter what. I agree with that to a degree, but on the other hand, fate is busy! Sometimes you have to go after what you want. I feel in my heart that this relationship could be a wonderful one, but not as it was. It would require changes on both of our parts, and we'd have to be dedicated to it. I'm willing to give him some time to get through his training(which I think is contributing to this whole thing), for me to get on a different shift at work(right now, I'm miserable), for him to move to his grandmothers and get the time he needs to be happy with himself. It's just so hard, especialy when he doesn't know what he wants anymore.

So, there you all go. It's a complicated situation. I'm a strong woman; I'm not going to say that I can't "live without him" or that I can't even see myself with someone else. But the fact remains that I don't feel ready to give up on our relationship, not without trying things differently. Because in my heart, I really do love him.

I've already written these things to him in a letter or two, and he is willing to talk about them. I just wanted advice from some wonderful and objective people in the meantime!

Thank you all in advance for your help. It's nice to have women to turn to :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
Tue, 12-28-2004 - 1:47am

"Right now, he says he just needs to be on his own. He doesn't want the responsibilities and committment that comes with a relationship, with being a "boyfriend". He isn't looking to date anyone else right now, because he still doesn't know what he wants with us."

Wow...that sounds so familiar...oh yeah, I remember...same words out of my live-in boyfriend's mouth (of 2 years) right before I caught him on the couch with another woman. This is a classic ploy by unworthy men. If they muddy the waters and create a huge gray area where black and white use to exist...they can indulge in all kinds of cruel and unfaithful behavior and chalk it up to "hey, we're not in a relationship anymore, remember? Oh, except I still want sex with you when I can't get anyone else."

Run like hell, dear lady. Cut him off cold. Leave his head spinning. Give him a taste of what life is really like without you being his sexual nursemaid...weaning him off one breast and onto another (not your own).

Sounds like there's WAY TOO MANY PROBLEMS ANYWAY! Take the pain...it will last a few months off and on...still in it myself but finally seeing light at the end of the tunnel. Spoil yourself for a change. Rediscover all those interests and goals you put on hold while indulging this joker with your valuable time. Enjoy the power that comes with cutting off a person who treats you with disdain.

Homework: Read "He's Just Not That Into You" "He's Scared, She's Scared" and "Why Men Love Bitches". Absolutely NO CONTACT in any form until you've finished all three books. You can get them through your local library/interlibrary loan or any bookstore.

Also, My ex also uses that tired "if we were meant to be together, blah blah blah, yakkity yakkity yak crapola." Ya know, when someone chooses to intentionally demolish your relationship and obliterate your heart...it's over...even if you were meant to be together. Don't let him use that line. Essentially he's saying, "If we were meant to be together you'd forgive me for actively and intentionally pursuing other females and lying to you even though I know it would hurt you terribly." You deserve so much better...going through it also and it does get better! Good luck with your decisions...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Tue, 12-28-2004 - 11:14am

Heard those words before:
I dont know what I want.
I cant be in a relationship now
If we are meant we will be back together...
I, like you, thought my BF is having personality trouble a mid life crisis maybe until I got on this board and saw that everybody was talking about these words!
Have they been dating my Ex too? not really but men (or shall I say people) when they want to leave without making the effort of staying and when they feel ashamed about it, they pretend it is not you it is them! that it is something beyond their control and they just cant fight it.

He said if we are meant to be together we will. Take it to what it means! Leave him for now, meet other people and if your paths in life cross again then it is meant to be. I know however, that once he is out of your life you will think of him as a looser who did not appreciate you enough to keep you in his life... We are meant to be closer to the ones we love when we have problems. We are supposed to appreciate them more than anything else when we have nothing but them...

Dont waste any minute over him. At some point you have to decide to move on let this moment be now. Trust me the stories on this board are all alike. If only we learn from each other's mistakes!

good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Tue, 12-28-2004 - 11:48am

I agree with some of what the other posts have said; but I am just going to add a few wrinkles of my own. The first thing that you need to do is to first and foremost Take care of yourself! Get everything in order that you need to get in order. That can mean anything from having your hair and nails done to taking that trip you have always wanted to take with a friend; but never did when you were with him. You need to sit down and figure out what YOU need; and what YOU want in YOUR OWN LIFE! Your life without him in it! I don't necessarily feel that you have to cut him off entirely; unless you feel it is too painful to stay in contact with him; if you feel the need to maintain at least a light; and I mean LIGHT friendship with him; establish boudaries with him right away; no money lent to him; no sex; just civil contact.

He may not want to close the door entirely on your relationship and may want to keep you in limbo for a couple of years until you find out that he is living with someone else; this is what happened to me. Do not let yourself remain in limbo! If he refuses to give this relationship the closure and the definition that it needs; then it is up to you to do that yourself. Do whatever you need to do for yourself; if you need to move out of the apartment that the two of you shared; then do so; if you need to changes jobs; have a manicure; go out with friends; then do so! You had a life before him and you will have one after him also. Should it happen that you find him with another woman; do not jump into another relationship with someone just to spite him; give yourself time to grieve and be fair to yourself. Ralley all the support you can get from friends and family; if they will not be too overbearing; or consider seeing a counselor to find closure and set new boundaries for yourself. Keep us posted; good luck to you and God Bless!