Desperately Need Advice
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Desperately Need Advice
| Thu, 02-22-2007 - 8:35pm |
I am devastated and don't know where to turn. My boyfriend of 2 years just broke up with me. We have always been very much in love. Recently he moved away for work; and was supposed to come back in a few months so we could start a family. We had been doing LD for a month. Then yesterday (on the phone) he stated that he still loves me, but can't be with anyone until he gets his life together and grows up (we are late 20s but his career is unsettled), and that therefore we are not meant to be "right now." He was even encouraging me to date other people/move on. He wanted to stay in touch - I said I could not bear to. I then became hysterical and he got off the phone, and now will not take my calls/texts (which I finally stopped last night). I am absolutely heartbroken and can't imagine my life without him. I just don't know how I will manage to go on. I cannot even comtemplate how I will be able work, eat, sleep etc. which I have haven't for 2 days. My family/friends have been so kind to me, but don't seem to know what to say, or realize how much pain I am in. I would really appreciate any advice from anyone on how to cope.

Hi waterworks and welcome to the board. I think your username says it all.
Time is what you need. It will be painful for a while, you need to go through it or other wise you will never get over it. Very normal and believe me there is light at the end of the tunnal.... it is not the end of the world or though it feels that way. Time heals all wounds and that is a fact. Cry, starve, do what you have to but don't let it linger,, the important thing is you don't let this last more than a month or two... after a couple of months,, go online, chat with those strange fellows out there, you'll have funny stories to tell your friends and family about all the weird guys online,, don't go out with any of them or get serious but chat get you mind of the adventure of meeting people online and just knowing whats out there.. you never know who you'll meet, maybe someone good will pop up,, but if he doesn't thats okay too. just keep your mind busy, be strong and tell your self if women can go on after losing a husband, boyfriend or even son or daughter to death, you can servive a break up.. There will be a day, when this pain will no longer be there,, I am telling you the truth. I have been there and I wanted to die, I wanted to take drugs to num my pain and wanted to go to hypnosis so I can stop hurting, and you know what,,, I didn't do any of the above but I did stop hurting and now, I can't believe I actually use to love this guy the way I did. Today I have a wonderful man in my life and never do I think about the other guy unless I think of how sorry I am for his wife,, I really do.
Anyway, cheer up girl.. there is an end to your pain,,, show him and yourself that you are strong and you don't need him,,, on the contrary, you can have any other man you want and you go out there and find him when its the right time... once you find someone else he will beg you to come back and kick himself in the head,,and when he does, you will be the one to tell him that you are with someone else and he lost his chance.. wait and see.. that is what will happen. Don't ever let him know you hurt this way,, Its his loss and soon you will see that too.
Hi Waterworks
Well you responded in my post, so I had to come read what you are going through! You're right it does sound like a similar situation. I was in such a state of shock when my bf was breaking up with me that I didn't even know what to say. And yes I was blindsided, because over the phone he said he hoped we could work everything out, but then when I was finally able to see him after his latest work trip, he had already made up his mind that he'd rather just end things. And I'm still not sure what happened. So I have tried to call a few times, and I sent an email yesterday, and still I have no response. It's hard to believe someone you can love so much can just ignore you so easily, isn't it? I mean it's just horrible, to be treated this way by someone who you did nothing but love. And I know everyone is telling me the same things they are telling you, that everything will be okay, you'll make it through, you will survive this. And even though we know all of that is true, I mean we do realize we're not going to drop dead because of this, it's just so hard to even listen to that right now, if you're anything like me. When I hear that I just think, yeah sure everything will be okay again..just as soon as he and I work things out and get back together. But I think you're like me, I'm all done trying to get in touch with him. Yesterday's email was it, I figured, if he doesn't respond to that, then I will have to try and find a way to be okay with not having any answers. And that just seems impossible right now. The fact is guys and girls are very different when it comes to dealing with emotions. I think their way of dealing with a painful breakup is to just shut us out and not deal with us at all. Which of course does nothing but hurt us even more. There is really no great advice I can give you, because right now it's just going to hurt a ton, no matter what you do. But what I have been doing lately is to just try and make sure I'm not alone right now. Like if I know my roomate is going away for the weekend, I go home to my parent's house, so I can at least be around people. Even if you don't want to talk to anyone, just at least if someone is in the room with you you may not feel as alone. Don't listen to any sad songs on the radio. If you hear something sad come on, change it quick. Unless of course you feel the need to have a good cry, then by all means leave the song on. Sometimes it helps to get out a whole bunch of tears. Keep yourself busy on the weekends as much as possible, make plans ahead of time so that you are doing something, and not sitting on your couch wallowing in depression, as much as it may be tempting to do so. I know there will be days when you don't feel like getting out of bed, and that's okay. If you need a day for yourself to just be miserable there's nothing wrong with it. But you have to be careful to not let it become a habit, because then it just gets harder to pull yourself out of the depression. I know that it will hit you over and over again, like just simple things. For me, I was walking my dog the other day and it hit me that I won't be doing that with my bf ever again. And how I enjoyed doing something so simple with him, and it's gone now. It just hurt so much right then that I felt like I needed to sit down. Anyway it is good that you are on here. It has helped me in the past and I am hoping it will help me again. You're right, we are not alone and there are plenty of people here going through the same thing. It just totally and completely sucks right now. But the best thing to do is try and leave him alone. Sometimes guys just don't understand right away how hard it is to find the kind of love you share. I think it takes a while for their actions to catch up to them. In the meantime, hang in there and try and keep posting. If he doesn't come to his senses, then it is his loss and that's all there is to it!
hi waterworks
just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. my breakup was 3 weeks ago and i was devastated. same things as yours, he is a fulltime accountant going to law school at night. i thought since i had just finished up school and knew how hard it was i could help him get through it when it came to crunch time. but he couldn't handle juggling everything. in the breakup i wasn't angry or mad at him. just really really really sad. and realized maybe timing was bad. and i told him if he changed his mind in a week or month i couldn't be with him. not until he got his act together and i knew that.
well he told me he wanted me to tell him when i was ready to have him call me again. to talk normally. and asked me what my last ex did wrong in the breakup to never give him another chance so that he wouldn't make the same mistakes. i'm 27 and so is he. i think guys need to feel like things i their lives are fairly settled before they can sometimes give it their all. that and he's an idiot (see my post where i write about he's an idiot).
i know that he misses me. i know that he wants to talk to me. but for now, i am trying not to call or contact him. i ran into him at mass after the breakup. and i miss him.
it will get better. let yourself grieve and find friends who will let yourself grieve. (i had issues with friends here who wouldn't just let me cry in the first weeks). i knew that i just needed to be sad and grieve for a few weeks and then pick myself up. better to face up being sad than ignore it. then i decided to sign up for a half marathon and it keeps me focused on something to do (how much to run everyday and on the weekends) and when i run those miles straight through i feel like i accomplished something. i'm trying to branch out and meet new folks through things i am interested in. but i allow myself to be sad.
i love the jerk. and i miss him. and the circumstances bluntly just suck. but i guess it kind of helps me to know that he does miss me. and wants to talk to me and have him in my life. but sadly he's an idiot. and so for my own self, i need to not contact him until i feel like i am better and not based upon his need to still have me in his life.
this happened to me with my last ex over 2 years ago. and at that time i kept thinking of ways to be around him or talk to him because i missed him so much. it wasn't till i was done with the whole situation and moved on to focus on myself and not him that he realized he was an idiot and wanted me back. and by then i was done with him.
it will get better. posting here and reading other people's situations has made me realize there are other people at this very moment that are going through the same thing.