Desperately in need of advice.
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Desperately in need of advice.
| Sat, 06-24-2006 - 1:29am |
Hello. I haven't posted on this board before so let me give you some background information. My ex and I were together for 4.5 years. One night he got insanely drunk and attacked me (biting me and choking me). He went to jail for two months and I moved back home to live with my parents. He said he didn't even remember doing it and he spent two months in jail writing about how horrible he felt and how he'd make it up to me for the rest of my life and stop drinking. Well, I visited him in jail and we got back together when he got out (I have been hiding this from my parents, they'd freak if they knew I even spoke to him). It is so hard, you don't understand how it is to be abused. I never thought I'd ever go back to a guy who hurt me physically, but I believed him when he said he'd never do it again. Anyway, he stayed true and didn't drink until I told him that he could because I wanted to go out for drinks with him. I broke up with him twice because I couldn't handle the stress of lying to my parents all the time, plus I couldn't get over what he did to me. Now we're broken up but we still see each other all the time. I have let him come to believe that we are still going to get married once I graduate from college. I want to cut off all ties with him because I don't think what we're doing is healthy to me. He refuses to be in a relationship with me becuase he is afraid I'll dump him again. I don't even think I want to, but I get so jealous when he acts like he is single. We still see each other like 3 days a week and have sex but he drives me crazy when he acts like he is single in front of me. I just want to not talk to him anymore but it is so hard because our history is so great. He really was a great boyfriend until that night when he went crazy. We never fought and were very much in love. I feel like I'm being pulled in opposite directions. I love him and love spending time with him, yet at the same time I know it is unhealthy and he is not treating me respectfully like he used to when we were together. Also, I feel like it would really hurt him if I stopped talking to him. He has had a hard time getting his life back together after jail. I have tried to cut ties before but it hasn't worked. He thinks it is funny that I keep saying I'm not going to talk to him anymore and then I keep talking to him. How do I cut myself off from him and stay strong enough to not answer his calls or to not run to him when I want to talk to him about something that I cna't talk to anyone else about? Or when I just want to hear him tell me I"m beautiful? How do you just stop talking to someone you thought you were going to marry and you spent so many wonderful years with? Any advice is very much appreciated.

This is a hard situation, but not impossible.
specialeducator205...
Pianoguy agrees with Sandra. She pretty much covered everything!
But there's one issue that both sexes often ignore? And that's RECOGNIZING WHEN A PROBLEM EXISTS! The old adage of "he'll change after we've been married" really doesn't cut it! Usually...a bad habit often gets worse over a certain amount of time!
No woman (or man) should live in fear of physical brutality...or a partner going totally ballistic! Unfortunately, it often takes several scars and bruises...along with a lot of hurt inside...to convince ourselves that an abuser DOESN'T NECESSARILY MAKE A GOOD PARTNER! Why remain in a relationship when you have to constantly 'live in fear' that the person you've chosen to be with will beat the crap out of you???
NO ABUSER residing on this planet is worth your time or effort.
WHY?
Simply because there are just too many other individuals out there who WANT to love you enough to sustain...and maintain...a harmonious relationship!
Pianoguy
Specialeducator2005,
I can understand where you are coming from to a degree. The emotional attachment that you feel for your ex, I can relate to. I am sorry to hear about the problem he had with his drinking and hurting you both physically and emotionally... I think it was a hard decision to try to reconcile with him, even with your family not knowing. My situation is similar in that there was an issue that came up and my family was treated pretty badly by my ex, they know that we are doing the on-again, off-again relationship. It's hard on me to feel comfortable about my decisions from time to time. I can understand how you must be feeling too.
Just a few days ago, he left a message saying that he doesn't want to do this anymore. My family and friends have urged me to move on, yet I call him or e-mail him with high hopes of working things out. I really care about him and enjoy being with him, though we have issues that haven't been resolved. I also am insecure about his most recent relationship when we were apart, since he and this woman were getting pretty serious.
I am hoping this time that I will not break and call him or e-mail him. I feel like I have been doing much of the pursuing to reconnect with him and that he realizes that.
I hope you know you are worthy or a person and I wish you well. :)
Specialeducator2005,
You are very welcome. It is reassuring that someone can understand what you are going through.
By your name, I presume you work with children. If you do, what a coincidence, I work at an elem school.
Take care & know someone is hoping that things will get better for you. God has a plan!
Let's keep our strength and positive thoughts up!!