desperately in need of advice
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desperately in need of advice
| Fri, 04-21-2006 - 11:51pm |
so there was this guy that i had a lot of mutual friends with for several years- i always thought he was really cute and charming and in January he and I finally hung out through a mutual friend. When we first met, he had just been broken up with and I had sort of been seeing a friend but it ended the day i met him; superficially we didn't have a lot in common, but when it came to the things that matter we really connected. I was drunk when i met him and he's a good Christian boy who doesn't drink/wanted to wait until marriage to have sex/etc.- the next day i started thinking about what kind of life i'd been living (which was just sort of reckless) and decided to make a change. I got myself together and we started hanging out, after four months of being friends we finally started dating in April of 2005. For a long time everything was really great and I couldn't imagine being with anyone better, anywhere with him is my favorite place to be. At the end of August I had to leave for college in Austin, TX (I'm from Baltimore) and I had a really hard time with the transition; I hated my school, I was having a lot of family problems, and I was just watching a lot of aspects of my life fall apart. At that time I started looking for comfort in an ex-boyfriend (for about 3 weeks) who was also from Austin- it was never physical but more of an emotional infidelity. Anyway, my boyfriend at the time started suspecting that something was going on but i kept denying it and finally he told me that he's been reading my email and we broke up. However, things didn't really end and we kept seeing each other when I was home and stuff. Still, my situation hadn't really changed and I messed up even more by continuing to lie about really trivial things that i thought would keep us together but ended up just driving us apart. in November the boy and i lost our virginity to each other & there have been a few times when i thought that i was pregnant since then. the two of us just have a lot of history. In january i moved back to Baltimore, the day I came back i tried to wipe the slate clean and told him everything- things still didn't end though. For the last 3 months we've still been going about things just as if it were a relationship, except without the titles but it seems like every time i thought they were getting better he would try to turn me away. 3 weeks ago we finally decided that perhaps we needed some time apart- we both knew that we'd been bad at loving each other and needed to finally put each other first and put an end to what we've been doing- we know that we're capable of loving each other better. I fell apart when this happened, but really, really recently we began talking again. The other night he came over because i really needed help with a huge research paper and we ended up having sex (which he immediately felt bad about after) and now he's not really speaking to me much. I know that he wasn't using me, I just think he's worried. I kept asking him to be with me again but he continually tells me that he can never be in a relationship with me again (even though he's forgiven me for everything that's happened.) I'm at a loss and I don't know what to do; I just can't help but wonder why he's still around if i'm so little deserving of him. i can't sleep, i haven't gotten out of bed much in days, life is just really lesser without him and i don't think that either of us are ready for this to end. it would be easier to walk away from this if he could look me in the eyes and tell me that he doesn't love me anymore- but he does and we've talked about it, he loves me and wishes that we could be together, but he keeps saying that "he can't" take me back. i don't know what to do and i desperately need some advice.

He can't take you back, but he can keep seeing you? Not if you don't allow him too. Think about it, you allow him to see you (and make out/have sex) in hopes that you will win him back. He's got it made. He can see you, have sex, feel guilty and still walk away without being in a relationship. Maybe he does want you, but doesn't want the lies and the emotional affair - he's afraid of being betrayed again?
You are going to have to be the one to be strong, set boundaries and tell him to leave you alone unless he wants a real relationship.
Carrie