Destroyed by a fresh break up

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2007
Destroyed by a fresh break up
3
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 7:10pm
I am new to this board and have turned to it because I am hurting so bad I'm not sure which way is up. I have been dating a guy for 1 year this May. He told me when we met that he was legally seperated and that his marriage was over. All well and good until I found out in July that he was never legally seperated, and in my state you need to be seperated for a year before you can be divorced. Anyway, by the time I had found out his lie we were completely head over heels in love with each other. I did end up talking to his wife around that time and she did tell me that their marriage was over. The problem has been that he lives 4 hours away and has three kids. His 8 and 13 year old want to live with him. That is fine with me except he is always at his place with them and never with me and my daughter. The whole time we have been together he has told me repeatedly that he wants to live where I live and that his kids agree to move here as long as they are with him. The problem is I am hoplessly in love with him and I can't handle the hurt of him leaving me on a regular basis anymore. He and I get along absolutely perfect when we are together but the distance kills me. We fight eachand every time he leaves. He finally broke up with me because I can't handle his leaving. If he really loved me I believe he would have made plans to move here to start a future.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2007
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 8:03pm

Its hard but think if you were have married that JERK, your life would have been like HELL.

There must be someone better , Keep the faith.

Hope this helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 04-30-2007 - 12:09am

Hi kristin and welcome to the board,

You've got a few issues to deal with, the way I see it:

1. The guy is still married. Now, it's all well and good that the wife corroborated his statement that the marriage was "over" but honestly, in all parts of the world they are still married until they are divorced. Funny how it works that way, eh? So methinks he needs to get really divorced before he should be really wooing you. Reason is because people who do this kind of stuff (and those who knowingly let them), truly *don't* respect relationships in general, either their own or other people's and it can lead to a whole lot of heartache later on.

2. If your anxiety over him going home to be with his kids was enough to drive the man away, I'm thinking maybe you need to address some abandonment issues within yourself. Of course no one's going to want to put up with arguing and dramatics at the end of each visit, no one should have to. You may be saying there was an easy way to end that, he could move to where you are and it's true, he could have, but he did not yet and the arguing probably didn't encourage him to make tracks towards you, either.

3. It's *always* dangerous to start a thought with, "If he loved me, he would....." because then you make it a condition of your love and trust in the other person, that they must do things your way in order for you to be happy. That's too much. It's also a form of wanting to control the relationship. Maybe he would have fixed his situation but not in the time or way you wanted, and really, it might have been ok. It's not like he could move right now anyway, remember, he's still married. I'm not sure how much of a future you could have started with him without taking care of that little detail first.

Count all your blessings over and over and be grateful for them, love your daughter, learn to love yourself so much that you never feel as though you're being abandoned by another man again, just maybe a little bummed he can't spend as much time with you as he would have liked. There was a whole lot of convolutedness in his situation, tell yourself over and over, "This is a good thing, this is a good thing..."

Hugs,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2007
Mon, 04-30-2007 - 9:14am
Awesome response Sandra. I have been wallowing in the fact that everything is his fault, but you brought to light many issues I have to deal with within myself before I can truely be in a happy relationship. Thank you for the support!