Devastated

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2007
Devastated
3
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 4:56am

About fifteen months ago I formed a relationship with a man who I believed to be genuine and kind, he worked at the same company as me but lived a considerable distance away. We initially spoke over the phone and then progressed to emailing each other, almost every day. A number of months later we inevitably met each other and continued to do so throughout the year. We did not see each other as frequently as I would have liked but accepted this due to the distance. From the beginning I had very strong feelings for him and all of the time I wanted to tell him that I loved him but somehow couldn't.

Throughout our relationship I was would often find myself upset and confused about what we were doing as we were not speaking as often as we used to, I also worried that he didn't know how I felt about him yet couldn't tell him.

A number of weeks ago whilst having a conversation over text message, he told me that he was married. This, I knew nothing about. He then continued to tell me that he thought I knew, that he had got married a couple of months ago and that it was not kept quiet. Most of this day is now a blur to me, but I can remember things he said to me, but wish I could not. He told me that one time we saw each other that he wanted to tell me that he loved me, but did not and on this day made a decision to be with this other person. He said he didn't think it was possible to fall in love with two people at the same time. He also said numerous times that he didn't know how I felt. He apologised and said he didn't want to hurt me. He said he thought he was going to be the only one getting hurt.

I still cannot believe what has happened. And now, I somehow have to accept that I will never be with him, I have to come to terms with the fact that this situation could have been avoided and that my intuition was telling me all along but I chose not to listen to it. What makes it even more difficult is that it is clear he thought I was only interested in the physical side of the relationship, which makes me feel sick.

Throughout the year I have felt very anxious about the relationship which I believe has formed into the depressive state that I am in. Unfortunately what I have found out has tipped the scales and have been off work since that day and have been prescribed anti-depressants. I am due to return to work shortly but I am dreading every minute. I have been looking for employment elsewhere for sometime but I am having difficulty.

Is there anything I can do to make this situation better?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2006
In reply to: windowpd
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 10:44am

Our stories are so similar as I too formed a relationship with a guy that works in my building, that also lives a considerable distance from where I live. He also was genuine and kind and I became very attached to him in the beginning months of us getting to know each other and spending time together. He wasn’t married though. Our problems stemmed from the distance and the fact that he had a second job. We dated a little over a year and it seemed as time went on, he became distant with me, using his job as an excuse as to why he stopped putting effort into spending time with me. After a few months of trying to rekindle what we had, we finally broke it off. It’s been very hard for me as I am still in love with him, and seeing him at work doesn’t help me get over him any faster.

I can only give you the advice given to me from posting my story on these boards. You must cut all ties with him and try to move on. I know this is more easily said than done, but after a few weeks of no contact with my ex, I can confess that I am not as depressed as I was when we first broke it off. I was a complete mess in the beginning, but now I can actually go a few hours without thinking about him. Keeping yourself busy also helps. I have gotten back into the routine of exercising. That not only help me vent some steam over him, but it also helps me get back in shape. I also do a lot of reading to try and keep my mind occupied and off of him.

I’m sorry you have to go through this, but it will get better with time. I hope this helps. Just know that you are not alone in what you’re going through. I know exactly how you feel.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: windowpd
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 11:38am

Wow, that's terrible! Even though I've been lied to myself, it's still so hard for me to accept that people do this to each other. It's just so, so devastating to have your trust betrayed. And I don't buy his story about "he thought you knew" in the least. He was just trying to cover his butt for having lied to you by omission.

In addition to the good suggestions you got in the other post about cutting off contact and moving on, a couple things that helped me were going to counseling (because I was having the same "I should have known somehow" feelings) and reading about liars and lying. Two books that were especially helpful were "When Your Lover is a Liar" by Susan Forward and "101 Lies Men Tell Women" by Dori Hollander.

Keep us posted about how you are doing, ok?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: windowpd
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 12:17pm

The books and counseling Sheri recommended is a great idea.

Other ideas:
Start journal writing - vent on paper. Even if they end up being letters to him, but after they are written, burn them.

Realize - you weren't looking for someone to lie to you, therefore you couldn't see the lie.

Another good book:
Feeling Good: New Mood Therapy, David Burns, MD

He gives a great techinque to talk back to the negative feelings you have been experiencing.

My best to you.


Carrie