Devastated - Please help if you can :o(

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Devastated - Please help if you can :o(
12
Mon, 05-22-2006 - 7:27am

Hi there,

I have never written on this board before so hello everyone, I hope you are well. The reason I am writing on here is because I am so devastated I dont know what to do or where to turn.

At the weekend, my boyfriend of 5 years (we have lived together for 4 years) announced that he is no longer happy and wants to split up. Whilst I made it absolutely clear that I did not to want to split and that I would try whatever to make it work, I also realise that you cannot make somebody feel the same way as you do and do not want to come across as desperate or am not going to beg him to change his mind.

We have had our ups and downs in the past but I always hoped we would conquer them but in all fairness he never seemed as committed as me to making things better. I'm sorry that I am not making alot of sense I just dont want to carry on. My heart is physically aching as I type and everything seems so bleak. I woke up this morning and felt OK for about 5 seconds and then all the misery came flooding back and I felt as though I didnt want to get out of bed and face the world or work.

His cousin is getting married this weekend and we were supposed to be staying in a hotel for the weekend and we have a holiday to Spain booked in June and every time I think of either of these things I cannot stop crying.

I'm not expecting a mircle to happen I just wanted some reassurance that things will get better. Anybody else in my situation I would tell them that in time it would get better but I feel like it never will.

Love Sad Spanish Eyes x

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Mon, 05-22-2006 - 12:53pm

I know what you are going through. It has been a month since my boyfriend of 4.5 years broke up with me, because he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. He said he still loves me and is still in love with me, but that right now he needs to be alone.

I have had a hard time believing that he truly does love me, but everytime that doubt creeps back I remember how he cried and said he was truly sorry.

We had a wonderful relationship but we are young and have only known each other so in that since I understand why he did it.

I too am not expecting a miracle to happen, in that I don't expect him to come back even though he said he would call if he wanted to.

I have let him go, but the hurt is still very real

My advice to you would be to write in a journal all of your feelings to help get them out. I have also found that writing letter to him, but not sending them helps immensely. Just keep yourself busy and remember that life does go on.

~Amber~

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 1:16pm
Reading your message brings back memories. Thank goodness that's all they are. I hate the phrase time heals all wounds, but it's true. After 7 years together pretty much the same thing happened to me. I hibernated for a while after having to find a new home and a whole bunch of other things. My best friend and my family were my rock. If you have someone you can talk to who will just listen when you need it, it's amazing! One day I woke up and realized that in spending so much time putting more effort into our relationship than he did that I hadn't been taking care of me. I decided to find out what made me happy. I started taking some art classes that I had always been interested in and pushed myself to join a monthly photography group. I knew things were better when long time friend told me that she was happy to see the old smiling and laughing me back. The best advice I could give is to concentrate on you, you deserve it!
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 2:18pm
keep reading everyone's else messages. this should give u some hope. what about the break up kit. i don't know how good it is; but god bless. also there is another site i don't know if i'm suppose to say it but it was about heartbreakville or something. good luck!!!! keep praying, if u do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 3:06pm

I'm so sorry for what you are going though! Reading your post brought back memories for me too. I felt the same way when my ex and I broke up a year ago- we were living together, so it was especially hard. There were many days when I didn't want to get out of bed I was so miserable- and most of the time, the only reason I did was to avoid seeing him.

My advice is to allow yourself be sad for a while. I know it took a good few weeks until I could go an hour without crying- but eventually, I got tired of crying, and started doing anything- shopping, journaling, reading these boards- that would get my mind off of my ex. It's going to be hard to focus on work, friends, anything else- so don't beat yourself up for it. It doesn't seem like it will ever get better, but as time passes, it does- not as fast as you want it to, but it does.

I would also suggest going to a therapist if you can- it made a huge difference for me. My friends and family were a great support system, but I think it helps a lot to have an impartial person listen to you vent. With most insurance companies, you can go and only have to pay the co-pay- it is the best money that you will ever spend on yourself, trust me.

Hang in there- you're going to be ok :)

Erica

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2006
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 3:30pm
hi manno001
i was reading your post and saying that sounds awfully like what i went through, i tried to email you but it wouldnt go thru
isnt hard to believe when they tell you they dont want to be in a relationship and want to be alone? who wants to be alone? i got the same reason from my bf and we werent together nearly as long, never had a fight all of a sudden one day, he just changed,
I just dont get it,.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 4:21pm

I don't get it either. He just one day decided this. I kinda felt it coming though. He was feeling pressured to get married because we had been together so long and I wanted to marry him. And we've never known anything else and we never had the time to just focus on ourselves.

I asked him if he wanted to be alone his whole life, because who does??? He says he still loves me, but I haven't talked to him in 2 weeks. I figured giving him his space is probably what he needs right now. He said he would keep in touch with me, but he hasn't called me once.

I know that our love was real and that he still loves me, so on that I keep hoping that one day we can reunite, but I'm not holding my breath. I've let him go, it hurts, but what can you do? I did everything to try and change his mind, short of holding a gun to his head and making him take me back, LOL!

I've accepted the fact that if he and I are meant to be then it will happen.

I do hope that even if we can never have a romantic relationship again that we can be friends, though I know that will take time. I can't imagine him not in my life at all, we were best friends as well as girlfriend/boyfriend.

I wish you luck and you can email me at manno001@nsuok.edu about anything. I hope I can help you as I hope you can also help me through this rough time.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 4:39pm
I had something very similar to that happen to me as well and if feels as if the rug was pulled out from under you. Although I did not get to say all the things I wanted to say and express that I thought we should work on it...so I struggle with that every day. But then I think if he indeed still cared and did want me in his life or want to pursue something in the future, he would have discussed that with me instead of just telling me he wasnt happy and didnt know what else to say. It was a cowardly thing for him to do but I just try to remind myself that nothing I will have to say will make a difference so why should I bother? Each day is a roller coaster, and hopefully it will get better, we just need to give ourselves time...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2006
Mon, 05-29-2006 - 1:58am

Sad Spanish Eyes,
I just went through something similar just a week ago. My fiance decided that we both just weren't ready for marriage right now because we were constantly bickering. I really wanted to work things out, but he's adament that he needs time to think. I understand not wanting to get out of bed or do anything. I cried just about all I can cry. My eyes hurt, my head hurts, my heart hurts and I know exactly what you're going through. But today was a little better. He moved out and I'm moving back to Chicago. I had suicial thoughts this week and got a lot of support from the people on this site. One lady told me that bad times are just that...times. It's not going to last forever. You just have to feel this way for a while, but it'll pass. Even just after a week, I can feel myself starting, just starting, to heal. It's going to take a long time to get through this, but it'll pass. Who's to say you can't go to Spain on your own? You might have a wonderful time and meet others traveling on their own as well. I went to London by myself a few years ago for two weeks and they were two of the most wonderful weeks of my life! Think about it! Just pick up a travel advise book to tell you how to keep yourself safe while traveling alone, and you should be just fine! Take care and hang in there buddy!

Julie

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 05-29-2006 - 11:27am

Dear Sadspanisheyes,
I'm feeling your pain, but you didn't mention if there's someone else he's seeing, usually guys (and girls) don't just move on unless they got somebody on the side!
I was hurt just like you on May 19th, when I contacted the other Lady my Man of seven years has been sneaking with!!
I don't know about you, but I'm still hurtin'.
Did you guys cancel that trip to spain?
See, we just went on a Vacation to Montego Bay/Jamaica last month, and he told the other Girl he was going with his Brother....He was such a liar....and I always thought he was so honest!
Let me know how you two ended up......I hope you'll be allright

Queen of sorrow

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2006
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 12:18pm

HI ! I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING THRU AND IT DOES BRING BACK MEMORIES.I HATE TO REPEAT THIS TOO BUT TIME DOES HEAL. TIME,PRAYING,FAMILY AND DOING THINGS FOR YOURSELF THAT MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER AND IT WILL GET EASIER TO BEAR. PRETTY SOON IT WILL BE JUST A DISTANT MEMORY.REMEMBER THE SAYING THAT IS IS BETTER TO HAVE LOVED AND LOST THAN TO NEVER HAVE LOVED AT ALL. I AM IN A MARRIAGE NOW THAT I WISH WOULD HAVE NEVER HAPPENED SO HOW CAN I GIVE ADVICE IN MY SITUATION,OR COMMENTS,BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH I AM I HAVE ALWAYS SEEMED BETTER AT GIVING ADVICE THATN TAKING IT AND WE ALL WILL MAKE IT THROUGH WITH THE HELP OF OUR FAMILY,FRIENDS,GOD AND PRAYER. I READ SOMETHING ON A SITE THE OTHER DAY. I DONOT REMEMBER THE SITE BUT IT IS GOOD READING FOR SURE. HERE IT IS : IF GOD BRINGS US TO THE PROBLEM,SITUATION OR CRISIS WHATEVER IT MAY BE, HE WILL BRING US THROUGH IT.JUST REMEMBER NOTHING IS DONE INTENTIONALLY, IT IS CALLED LIFE. IN LIFE WE ARE CONSTANTLY LEARNING NO MATTER HOW OLD OR YOUNG WE WILL HAVE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS AND IT IS US TO US HOW WE HANDLE IT. SOME ARE ALOT STRONGER THATN OTHERS. SOME TURN OUT VERY BITTER AND THINK ALL WOMEN ARE B****** AND VICE VERSA.SO KEEP PRAYING AND REMEMBER YOU ALL ARE BETTER FOR IT AND WILL BE IN THE LONG RUN.WE ALL WILL BE!!! GOOD LUCK AND REMEMBER YOU HAVE ALOT OF FRIENDS HERE.

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