devastated, so confused!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
devastated, so confused!
9
Sat, 03-17-2007 - 8:53am

He dumped me yesterday. I had to get all the pictures from his place, he said I was trying to take all the good memories, but I think that he doesn't deserve to have them. He said he wants to be single and not have the responsibilities of having to answer to anyone or check in. He wanted to be free. He kept saying that it's him, not me. It's his problem not mine.

By problem, he meant what he said, that he loved me, but wasn't in love with me anymore. For the last few months, we've been fighting about the balance between love and sex, and he says he has no more passion or spark for me. He says that it will take a long time for him to find someone else.

I'm devastated. I thought that we had a great thing, that we were meant to be. This is the person that I thought I would spend my lifetime with. That I could grow old with. I don't know what to do. I"m hurting so much that even my mom can't comfort me enough. She keeps saying that I gave too much and he gave nothing back. That neither of us have anything to offer each other anymore and that I loved him more than he loved me.

I want to beg and grovel for him to take me back. To try and reconnect and make it work again, but he says he won't and can't do that to me, that it wouldn't be fair. I'm at a loss. I've lost him and I want him back and I can't get him back because his mind is set. He said he was moving on. I even offered to try and do the 30 day break thing he wanted originally a week ago, to give him space, and he refused. I begged him to try and do a 2 week no contact starting today.

I'm crushed. I'm surviving on a tiny hope that I have a slim-to-none chance when but I fear that his mind is completely made up. He told me he's not guaranteeing anything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
Sat, 03-17-2007 - 9:05am

ccheckers your story is mine to a tee about 2 1/2 mths ago. I lived what you are going thru right now. The whole I don't want to be in a relationship, it' not you it's me, I love you but am not in love with you... all of it was my relationship.
It hurts soo bad, trust me I know. I loved him for 5 yrs with all I had and was sure that we were sole mates. Yeah we argued but I never thought it'd turn out like this.
We're still broken up and and he's moved on (his whole I want to be alone speach was crap)
I'm still real sad and have some mini meltdowns but I am doing better. I have good days and bad days. I don't know how old you are but everyone keeps telling me that I'm a pretty girl and am fun and will find someone who loves me the way I should be loved.
I deserve better. Hmmmm I'm 34 and sometimes I don't think that will happen.

I'm trying to deal with the fact that I'm hopefully moving out of state and hope that will help me move on. I left my entire family back in NY 4 1/2 yrs ago to move to OH to be with this guy and now I'm looking to move back. There is nothing keeping me here and that breaks my heart. I, like every girl on this board, just hopes that after the break up that he'll just come to his senses and want me back.... I know that will not happen for me (as I'm sure it does for some)

ccheckers, you'll be okay. I was given some advise when I first came here.....
1. NC is best. If you don't maintain NC then he has no idea what he's missing
2. Start doing things for yourself, things you like to do that maybe you'd never have
done before.
3. Read It's called a break up b/c it's broken--it's really fun and a quick read and it truely helps keep your mind off of yourself but helps you realize what NOT to do.
4. Spend time with friends and family

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 03-17-2007 - 9:33am

Welcome back ccheckers,


Here's your original post so others can catch up on your story:


what will taking a 30 day break do?


In addition to the book recommendation belly gave you

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 3:09am

Hi!

Sorry to hear this. The pain you feel is real, but perhaps you might want to re-evaluate or reassess some of the things in your post.

I too was crushed by my ex girfriend moving on to another guy so quickl and told her so.

But being "crushed" and "devastated" are a normal reaction to the sudden loss of a relationship, perhaps some of the other things you are going through might require some more insights.

You write: "I want to beg and grovel for him to take me back. To try and reconnect and make it work again, but he says he won't and can't do that to me, that it wouldn't be fair. I'm at a loss. I've lost him and I want him back and I can't get him back because his mind is set."

Spend some time reflecting on your relationship and the loss it represents. Hurt, sorrow, pain, anger are all natural. But wanting to "beg and grovel" are perhaps reactions that might require some more insights. It's not healthy to be so invested in someone that you cast aside all your self-esteem and dignity just to plug the hole that this loss represents. No one should have that much power in your life. Perhaps now is the time to disconnect through NO CONTACT and if these emotions continue, talk to a professional about why you are feeling this way.

All of us on this board recognize the pain involved and we are all at different stages. But it's important to put our relationships into perspective. Yes, they are all special, yes, they are all important, but not to the point that we should "grovel" to get our partners back.

Please take some time for yourself and build a life that is fullfilling and nourishes you so that anyone new who comes into your heart compliments your life but doesn't become the focus of it or the reason for living.

When we invest such great powers in another individual be it a partner, a parent, a friend, we need to look at our own self-esteem and belief system.

Happiness comes from within ourselves, from the joy of knowing ourselves, treating ourselves right.

I read these posts including my own and sometimes get frustrated. We all need to work towards seeing our ex's as just that...ex's who have moved on or who are moving on without us. We also must question why we want to be with someone who has rejected us, or who doesn't want to be with us.

Please stay strong. Please stick to NO CONTACT and if you need additional help and support please get it. But begging and groveling will not help you fix your pain, it will only delay it. You need to disconnect and grieve the loss. THat's your focus now.

Stay strong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 8:49am

Thank you for the advice and support.

I'm doing terribly at No Contact. I was doing okay all day, trying to keep busy and my mind off of him, until around 7 pm and I called him. I just picked up the phone and dialed and lost my willpower.

I tried to talk to him about his decision, and he said he didn't want to stay on the phone and talk about something that he has said everytime for the last 5 conversations. I told him I understand and that I just wanted him to know that I accept what he's saying. That he has made a decision to move on. I wanted to know if he still had feelings for me despite the one major reason- that he wasn't physically attracted to me anymore- and he said Yes, all those other feelings are there but that one. I was happy to hear that, because someday, you can be again, maybe not right away, but 3 months or a year from now he might again. He said that he knew I was going to call last night and I told him I know that he knew that. He told me my promise to do NC for 2 weeks remains to be seen. He also said he didn't want to be the reason I wasn't going back to finish school (masters). I was still thrilled he said that I still Love you on the phone and that that I am on the back of his mind everyday.

This entire dialogue completely baffles me! Is he trying to let me go or trying to figure out if he wants to still leave me? I accept that he is still confused mentally, but is sure he wants to be alone. But he keep saying that he wants to still hold me and keep all the pictures at his work up. I don't understand!

It's hard because we have so many mutual friends. I know for the next 2 weeks I have to be very independent and keep busy, even if he is in the back of my mind 24/7.

My goal is to stay strong and prove that I CAN do no contact, each day at a time, for the next 2 weeks. I still hope for reconciliation, I can't let very small hope die out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 9:48am

I didn't believe in NC either but please take my word that it works. It doesn't make all the other hurt feelings go away but it helps in clarifying everything. It helps to see that you can be ok without talking to him and then small doses of your independence and self worth start creeping into your thoughts. Don't get me wrong, NC does not stop every hurt emotion but its the first step.

I'm on my 3rd week of NC and I am doing much better than before. I still am dealing with a broken heart but its not as bad as it was when we were still talking and fighting all the time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 2:08am

Incredibly well-said. Bookmarking this one!

Nicely done :)

~~.: Sandra :.~~


CL- Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 3:36am

Thanks

With great pain hopefully comes great insight. That post is as much as self-affirmation as it is advice.

I still struggle in my mind about whether I should or shouldn't respond to my ex gf's forwarding of flyers about an upcoming concert.

But every scenario I can think of always ends in pain. If I respond angrily, she'll think I'm a jerk. If I respond hopefully, she'll respond by saying it was only "fyi". If I ask what she wants..she'll say she doesn't know. Each scenario still ends with "I've got a serious bf".

Each of us who have been dumped suddenly lose our self-esteem and our backbone. The only way to get that back is to disconnect and stop focusing on THEM to ease OUR pain.

The fact is if our ex's really wanted to be with us...THEY WOULD BE...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2006
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 10:44am

Hello,

Dont know if you remeber me or not. I responded to your last post about a 30 day break. Im sorry to hear this is how it turned out. Im so sorry that you are hurting. Alright, now I am going to give you some advice that others have given me. All the NC stuff, is very important. Do not, and I repeate DO NOT call him. It really only makes you look desprate. And I know that you are better than that! I understand that you love him and miss him, but calling him after you agreed to NC for 2 weeks, well it doesnt make you look good. Honestly, you need to do for you now. Forget about this guy, I know that easier said then done! But really, you deserve someone who will return those feelings of love for you. Here's the most important thing to remeber.... you are a great person! I know it can be hard after a break up, and you can spiral into this deep depresion, dont let yourself get there, its hard to get back out. But, there is always hope. I know what your going through, well I can assume we all do. I was there, do you remeber my responce to your post? It was hard in the begining, I didnt do anything, heck, I almost got fired from my job because I just could not get out of bed! But time went on, and I started to reconnect with old friends, and go out more, I started to volunteir at a museum, and I LOVE IT! I got on with my life, and so will you. And guess what, my guy came back, with open arms and really wants to work us out. I think you will find that as soon as you start back with your own life and do for you, he may just come back. But in the meantime, NC it makes it harder for you to move forward, and in his eyes, it makes you just a little bit sad. Not that you are, but it makes you look that way. So, long post so sorry, keep your head up, remeber to do what your heart (and head) tells you (they give the best advice, better than any of us can give, because they know you better). Keep us updated! Im sure it will all work out in the end.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2007
Sat, 03-24-2007 - 7:24am

Hiya

Its really hard. Im in the same place. He has made it clear he wants to do his own thing but yet you are torn between trying to get over him and pining for him to change his mind.

Its a terrible feeling coz i know u dont wanna let him go, but its out of our control. Remember he has also lost YOU and although he may come to regret his decison he, might not therfore its not meant to be...

The hardest part is NO contact but it has to be done otherwise you will drive yourself mad. (im still struggling with that part)

Good Luck