Devestated-what do I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2007
Devestated-what do I do?
2
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 9:04pm

Recently I have made a couple of posts about marriage, and unfotunately I have discussed this with my bf and am very depressed over what he said. I am in extreme denile right now and could use any help/advice I can get.

Here is the story: I have been dating my bf for close to 3 yrs. He is 24(turning 25 in a few months) and I am 21(turning 22 in a few months), and recently we have moved in together. Now he is a reservist for the military(this is relevant to the story), and more of his friends are going over seas, so he went out sat night with them. This is where it begins. We had a huge fight about him going out and I threatened to go home to my parents to which he said "if you walk out then we have just broken up"(note:I was acting very jelous/childish). So I decided to stay, and I went to the bedroom and sulked.

He came after me and we started talking, which we both now regret. Lately we have been having relationship problems and he told me he has been worrying about us for the past 6 months. He said that we have both changed since we started dating (I was 19 when we met) and I am not the strong independant girl that he met(since we became serious, I have become way too dependant on him). He then broke my heart. He said that we are not a "forever and ever couple" and that we are not compatible for a long term relationship. I could not believe his words. I asked him we got a condo together and he said because he was worried I would not go to school(I am going to school near where we moved, and my parents live too far to drive). I asked him if this was why he wanted to move in together and he told me no, that he wanted to be with me. I don't get it. I then got extremely upset and started crying hysterical. He then started to cry because he hates hurting me and said that he loves me with all his heart and that I am the best thing that ever happend to him. He says that he doesnt want to spend the rest of his life with anyone right now. :(

Pt2 of the story.

After about 6 hrs of crying and him comforting me, he is debating whether or not to go out with his friends (I tell him he should go, as I am still crying). He then walked me to the bedroom and we talk again. He goes on to say that he is not getting any younger and that he wanted to do things in his life before he gets too old that would not be possible if we were together. Apparently he wants to go over seas. All his army buddies are going/have went already and he feels like he is missing out. Now, we talked about this 6 months ago and he said he didnt want to do it, but now he has been thinking about it and does. He also says he doesnt want to think about his life 5 years down the road(where as I want to know the future now). Now before he had these thoughts, we used to talk about moving out west for a few yrs when I am done school in two yrs. He then proceeds to tell me that if we are still together then , then we will.

I also should mention that within the past few months, I have discovered his fear of commitment. The thing is, he did not try to break up with me, nor say if or when he would, only that we werent a long term couple(wtf, we have been toegther 3 yrs!). Then I calmed down because I had hope and for the rest of the weekend, he was his lovey dovey self.

I am not only heart broken, but annoyed since we just unpacked our things/bought furniture together, ect. I dont know what to do. everytime i picture my future, he is in it. I don't want to bail (not to mention it would make going to school more complicated) but on the other hand I dont want to stick around and get even more deeply involved if it will end. I havent pushed the issue more since I dont want to push himi away more so, but I am in denile and I dont know what I should do. :'(

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 12:17am

Offhand..I would say Bail. Or better yet, let him sail off abroad.

Clearly, in my mind, a BREAK would be good for both of you. It'll give him time to straighten his head out (since he sounds like he doesn't know WHAT he wants yet) and for you to re-establish yourself as an individual. The fact that you admit you're too dependent on him is a red flag in any relationship.

As for the condo/school business, a little inconvenience is worth it in the long term. His words are clear and it sounds a little bit like you're hearing what you want to hear...and not listening to what he's really saying. This is going to sting a bit..but He's said you're "not a "forever and ever couple" and you're 'not compatible'. I think anything else he tells you is just cushioning what he's telling you.

Let's say you put off the issue. You emotionally blackmail him (and yes crying 6 hours is emotional blackmail), he feels bad so he stays with you. Fast forward to the future. One day, he's going to resent you for holding on to him like this. And even if you make it out west and get married, chances are it's going to end ugly. You're alone, very dependent, and devestated with children.

Versus this other scenario. He goes abroad. You finish school, reclaim your independence and build a life. He comes back happy that he's gotten his kicks, realizes he really misses you and truly wants to build a life with you. Isn't this much better? Worse case scenario, you reclaim your independence, he comes back and doesn't want to be with you. You're young, you're independent, you're educated...in a position to do anything.

I haven't read your posts about marriage...but the funny thing is how many girls I run into who think marriage will solve all the problems in their relationship. It's as if right when the ring slips on..bing..everything is utopia. The thing is..nothing changes. The only difference is really a piece of paper and a band on your finger. The same problems that plague you now will follow you into your marriage unless you deal with them. Don't get me wrong, I think marriage is pretty important (especially coming from traditional parents), but I don't want to screw up when I do marry. And I'm pretty sure you feel the same way. Take his reluctance to commit to long term as a heed that maybe marriage isn't on the horizen...yet. It's depressing yes, but less depressing than if he told you after 15 years of marriage and 3 kids later that you just weren't meant to be. Maybe he will be some day, but neither you nor I nor anyone but himself can really decide that for him. Let him decide, and while he's doing it on his corner, have a bit of a walk around life and take a good look around. I can't remember who said it but "love is where I can live without you...but I'd rather not"

cheers
Susanna

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2007
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 9:30am

Wow, I really feel for you. I had a military boyfriend also un until June 4. He graduated from West point and is getting ready to starting serving and move somewhere across the country for 5 years (thats mainly why he said we broke up) So I completely understand how much that whole situation complicated things...

He and I went on a trip with 3 of his guy friends to Hawaii back in May and it was miserable. I should not have gone away with all guys. He wanted to go out and party the whole time and didn't want to spend any alone time with me. Looking back on it (I was being selfish and didnt think about it from his perspective.) He is going to be moving away and is going to be separated from these guys who have been like brothers to him for the past 4 years. They are being shipped off all over the country. At the time I didnt think about that. We cannot possibly think about the way it feels to be in the military. They have committments that are going to take up their entire lives for a significant period of time. If what he really wants is space then give it to him...

Make him start to realize what it feels like to not have you in his life. He may be afraid of committment but if he really wants to be with you then you giving him space will make him realize that. (I REALLY WISH I COULD TAKE MY OWN ADVICE) but I know it is so unbelievably hard to do.

You are only 21 years old (I just turned 23) and he is only 24. We are so young and have a ton of time to realize what we really want. He might just be going through a phase where he feels overwhelmed. Give it time. Everything will work out the way it is supposed to.

Goto school, have some fun. Figure out what you really want for yourself. You might realize he isnt even it.