Did I do the right thing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Did I do the right thing?
1
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 5:36pm

I guess I just need some support and hope that I did the right thing. I was with a guy for about a year. We got along, we were compatible and had fun but I never really "felt anything". It's like when I am around him I just get this gut feeling telling me it's not right. It's pretty much been that way since the beginning, because I never really liked him in the first place. But I pretty much just gave him a chance and about 8 months later, still nothing has developed. He is just such a great guy and would do anything for me. He loves me and wants to marry me, he thinks I am the one. Now I am only 19, and this is my first relationship. Things have just been confusing and I find myself more stressed and down than I do happy.

I mean I guess I just don't feel I can say I love him, because I just can't say I feel that strongly. It's like I just don't have feelings like he does. I don't understand why not, I mean there really isn't anything major that I don't like about him. I mean I wasn't attracted to him at first but now I am, and I like who he is and everything about it. We have good passion and intimacy. Although he does get jealous very easily. But...I just get that feeling that says it's not right. I can't explain it. Basically I feel like I need more of a clear reason, because I find myself saying, Why did I break up with him again? So I would break up and go back SO many times. I just need to stick to my guns, but it is so hard.

Well I ended it again with him, and said it just won't work. I just don't feel that it can. I have ended it before though too, and I was the one calling him back and saying I wanted to get back together!! And then I would call and change my mind again!! I mean he has a right to be upset with me. But he just thinks that I am just being like this because of everything I have been through, so of course he always takes me back. I have tried so many times to see if something would just happen! I mean I am sad when we are apart but I think I just miss the idea of it and not really him. The HARDEST part is knowing I am breaking his heart and that he is in so much pain. I mean I feel like a horrible person. So did I do the right thing by breaking up with him? I want this to be for sure, but yet I wish I had better reasons.

Has anyone been in this situation before? Or do you think it is just me and that I have problems, I mean I have dealt with traumatic events in life, such as my mom dying, switching schools and moving around, my parents divorce, a step mom I didn't like and the list could go on. So I think those things have shaped who I am. I am going to see a counselor and I hope she can help too. I also wonder if maybe I get things figured out, we could give it another try down the road, far down the road that is. But right now I feel like I have tried enough and that this icky feeling will never go away.

But if he told me today that he didn't want to be with me, I honestly probably wouldn't care. I would be fine with it and just move on. Now if I really wanted to be with him, I wouldn't feel that way would I?...Also, I really think that no contact will work best, it's hard though because he wants to still be friends (partly cause he still thinks it could work), but that would just give him hope and I can't give that to him right now. I just feel so bad because he is hurting so much right now, but won't it get better in the long run? Isn't it good that I am stopping things now? I mean I have hurt him a lot already, but I just need some support that what I am doing is the right thing...this is so hard :( He has every right to think I am gonna come back again cause I have every other time! But I want this time to be the last!!!

I guess I just really need some support right now and tips on how to stick to my decision! Because I am ambivalent as well as vulnerable right now...




Edited 5/10/2006 5:41 pm ET by precious2be
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 5:45pm

Hon, haven't we addressed these questions before with you a couple of times?

Yes, you did the right thing. And the best thing you can do for BOTH of you is stop all contact with him for *at least* six months and go to counseling in the meantime. If at the end of that time, you feel you've made a big mistake, you can revisit it then.

Sheri