Did I do the right thing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2005
Did I do the right thing?
2
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 5:26pm

I've been hesitating for ages about posting, but after reading the various messages, I thought it might be helpful even to just vent a bit about it (if only because my friends are tired of hearing about it!).

I just ended a relationship of nearly seven years, and I'm not doing so well. It was a good relationship, loving, comfortable, and promising - we were making a future together. Then he left me, saying he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. It has been a long, drawn-out separation process. He left me in January and came back two days later to say that he had made a mistake and desperately wanted to be with me again. I refused, saying it was better to be apart for a while because there were obviously issues that weren't going to resolve themselves just by me taking him back. He moved out (we had been living together for four years) and got his own place, and we didn't really have contact for about a month or so, when I told him that I thought it would be better to just end it instead of living in limbo. I know now that part of this was motivated by a rebound relationship - I was feeling good about myself and better off without him. He told me that he had been seeing someone as well (a someone that nearly jeopardized the relationship in the first place, before he left), and I was ready to move on. Then things started to fizzle out (as they always do?) with the rebound guy, and I got desperate to be back with my ex. I talked to him, and he was desperate to be back with me too. We decided to try again, but he had to end it with his rebound girl. He conveniently failed to do so, claiming he didn't want to hurt anyone (I don't know what twisted logic was happening there for him to think he wouldn't be hurting me, but...). He ended up breaking it off with her, and coming back to me, and I was reluctant but very happy to have him back. Things were okay for a while, we were living apart, dating sort of casually and rebuilding trust. We even went to see a counsellor together. Then one day out of the blue he calls, sounding particularly skittish. I asked him what was wrong, and he said he wasn't sure after all if he really could be with me. I said that I'd had enough and wished him a nice life. Obviously heartbroken and terribly confused, I went through a couple of weeks of NC - then he called again. He made a mistake! Argh! I found out, however, that he had decided to continue to see the rebound girl in the meantime! (Just writing this now is making me angry enough to remember why I broke up with him this time and why this time it has to stick.)

I'll fast forward through another couple of back and forths, but I decided to give it one more shot, to try and forgive him. We've been together and dating quite seriously for the past month again. I was trying to make it work, but all the while was constantly worried about what he might do to me, and resenting him for making me the one with what felt like the sole responsibility for the relationship. This weekend, I decided I had to end it because I couldn't stand being in this limbo anymore, not really trusting him or being sure he wouldn't kick me around again. It was a horrible, awful, nausea-inducing experience walking away from him, and he kept drawing it out, begging me not to leave, saying we were meant to be together, etc. I was firm, and have been for the past four days, until today : while I was at the gym (and not in his neighbourhood) I saw him walking up the street from the window - I nearly fainted. Then again, on my way home, he passed me on the opposite sidewalk. Now here I am, desperately trying not to call and say I made a huge mistake.

Why am I so attached to this guy, you ask? I'm 24 - he is my first and only love. He is all I've ever known, and we had talked about kids, marriage, continuing to make our lives together. But I know how terrible I've been feeling since January, incertain, unsure, terrified. And fear and jealousy are not good reasons to stay together, are they? But all reason escapes me when it comes to this beautiful man who broke my heart over and over again. I keep telling myself I won't find anyone like him, that I'm letting the best man for me get away. I just can't shake him. I just really need some reassurance right now, and would really appreciate any wise insight. It's always easier to see from the outside, but I'm trapped right now. What am I doing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 6:31am

Sorry it has taken us so long to respond. You're doing everything right by staying away, not contacting him, and planning for your future. It's just very painful and frightening. You've been with this guy since you were 17 or 18--since you were still a child. Even though you are aware that he's not trustworthy and doesn't have your best interests at heart, he's familiar, and you feel comfortable with him.

Keep on as you have been, avoid the places where you know you're apt to see him, and stay out of rebound relationships. Give yourself a chance to heal, and spend some time thinking about what you want in an adult relationship. You are a valuable person with a lot to offer--don't let yourself fall back into a dead relationship just because it's one you're used to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 7:51am

This is an unhealthy relationship and you should be proud of yourself for doing the right thing. I have been in an extremely unhealthy, destructive, 'on again, off again' relationship. When it was good, he'd tell me I was the love of his life and that we were 'born to be together.' When he got bored, he would detach himself and walk away. Then would beg me to take him back, crying and saying all of those things men say when the grass is greener. He doesn't love you enough to conduct a normal relationship, I'm sorry to say that. It may hurt, but its true. You need to do what I did and cease all contact. It was torture at first, I didn't know how I was going to get through each day. But I did it. It took a lot of time, but soon my social life started to take shape, I've got a great circle of friends now and I have now met someone wonderful who adores me and has shown me what a relationship is supposed to be about. If ever you just want to chat about coping techniques or just want to vent, please email me, I did the same when I was going through it and it really helped.

Take care, Brit Chick