Did I do the right thing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2005
Did I do the right thing?
5
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 12:34pm

Here is the situation... I had been going out with my bf for about 7 months. When I met him, he was a student teacher and had a part time job at a housewares store. While student teaching, they forced him to quit the part time job because he was supposed to focus all of his efforts on the teaching. Fine. So in December his student teaching was finished and he became a certified teacher; however, since then, he has not been able to find a teaching job, or any job at all! He would not even work at a part time job, claiming that he needed to focus absolutely all of his efforts on finding a teaching job (I found my full time job while also taking 18 credit hours in school, so I think that is a load of BS).

Anyway, he talked about doing all kinds of things, such as moving 150 miles away to go back to school for a masters degree. By the way, he is 26 and I am 23. I was upset that he would consider leaving me and our relationship to go back to school, especially since he has no car and I always did all of the driving and legwork to be together. So, when he said he was considering school, I started looking for a condo closer to my job in Chicago. Over the next few months I found a condo and bought it, which I was really excited about.

Apparently, he was not so excited about me moving, even though in my mind, it would mean that we could have a lot more time alone together and not always be hiding away from his brother and my parents. He did not come to help me move into my new place, which really upset me because I consider getting my own place to be a pretty big deal, especially since I own it so it isn't as though I'm just renting another apartment or something. Instead, he went to his parents house in St. Louis the weekend before to help them. He was supposed to be there for only the weekend, but he ended up staying for 10 days and missed my move. Then when he came back he was really reluctant to come over and see my new home, claiming that he had seen it when we looked at it a month ago (which is true, but it isn't the same). He also told me that since I was promoted at work and bought this condo I have become superficial and materialistic! Yes, I like to decorate and talk about the improvements I want to make to the place, and I am proud of my promotion because I got it so quickly, but I'm no different than I was 2 months ago.

Also, aside from our different "places" in life, we also are of very different religious beliefs. I do not practice a religion, he was Catholic. So, as you can see, our relationship had some issues. Things were always really great when we were physically together though, and I always had a lot of fun. But, because of our many issues a lot of people accused me of being with him out of pity. Maybe I was, I don't really know.

I broke up with him on Monday when he refused to come over; not because he didn't come, but because it seemed to be a symptom of the many other issues. Now, I feel horrible though. I feel very lonely and sad and I can't stop thinking about him and what I did. I was looking at some online personals and seeing who else is out there and now I find myself thinking "man, what did I just give up ?" I wonder if I have made a mistake since I miss him a lot. I know that when I am thinking logically that I probably did make the right decision, but I just don't know. We have exchanged a couple of emails (mostly because I was his primary phone number on the resumes he put out and so now schools are calling me to schedule interviews with him) and I just keep thinking that I still want to talk to him. What should I do? I guess all I really need is some encouragment. :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 12:41pm

Well, here's the thing......you two were "dating" - but there was no relationsip.

Dating is about living in the moment, enjoying the time spent together - but that's it.

It's quite obvious that he didn't consider himself in a relationship with you. You were a "secret" from his family, and it didn't distress him at all to be away from you.

You obviously thought, maybe still do, that a relationship is a goal, it makes you what you're not, and it's a necessity in life.

That's why he didn't help you move, he doesn't come over, etc. etc. etc. It wasn't a relationship. You thought if you upended your life, took on debt, relocated yourself - he'd HAVE to commit. To you the reason that you two weren't spending more time together is that YOU couldn't possibly get more time in your schedule to pick him up and be with him.

But the reality is.....he probably didn't want you around as much you were coming around casually and without invitation. He enjoyed your company adn teh sex...but he's not in a position in his life to make commitments, and he's likely not going to make one to a girl that defies all his familiar standards and requirements either.

So breaking up was the right thing to do....but realizing that you've now got to make a life where you are becuase of the impactive decisions that you made based on feelings - is your responsiblity as well.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 1:19pm

darlin', - youre 23...youre independent, have your car, done your school, have a full time job, ... and you just bought your own condo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! thats sooooooooooo great!! :D i know it sucks that your relationship has just failed, and i know it hurts because you miss him and want him there... im even sure that he really is a great guy on many levels - ... but get this, youre a great gal - a great catch, and now - a "bachlorette" :) .. soak it in, love who you are - in due time, youll be proud of the decision you made to let go of someone who wasnt what you wanted.

hugs,
eeksj

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2005
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 1:59pm
I have a slightly different take on the situation, maybe because I work in the education field.
It seems to me that he got a bit jealous of your situation financially and career-wise. Understandable, given his frustrated job search. And, admittedly, finding a job in education is NOT like finding a job in the private sector... it takes a lot more effort for a lot fewer positions. And, yes, teachers now are often required to have a Master's degree (altho, I don't see his need to move so far away to pursue an additional degree, unless there wasn't a similar program nearby), even new teachers.
I think he, depressed by his job situation, felt envious of your seemingly "silver spoon" situation. (Not to say you didn't work for it... just trying to see it from his perspective.) Basically, things were falling apart for him and his career, just as everything seemed to be falling into place for you.
Add into that the common male instict/desire to be the "provider" in a relationship (yes, generic stereotype, I realize, but often still a factor in the modern male psyche, it seems), and you have one very confused guy.
Does that excuse his actions? By no means. Not being there for you is just plain mean.
But perhaps you could sit down with him and try to understand where he's at in all this. He's jealous, but (if he cares about you) will hate to admit it. Or he's ashamed, and yes, also hates to admit this. Or... whatever. Perhaps a little sympathy towards his frustrating job search could go a long way (the fact that he's getting interview calls suggests to me that he HAS been taking this search rather seriously and putting forth real effort, here, so give him credit for that). And remember, few people want to go back to their old high school job after graduating college (yes, it's an issue of pride... at least, until bills have to be paid and you've absolutely exhausted every other resource; then its just stubbornness).
Looking at the facts, these other posters are right: he didn't treat you as an equal partner in a relationship. Considering his "quarter-life crisis" situation and unemployment status AS WELL AS the other facts, and I think maybe you'll find a confused guy who would want to be supportive if he were in a better place.
I don't know if you go back to talk to him. Maybe you need someone more stable. Maybe one day when he is more stable, it works. Maybe the other issues (religion, et al) are enough to keep you away. However, I do think that if this is purely about his lack of support for you right now, and none of those other issues, then you and he could sit down and at least see where you're both at. Instead of telling him "good-bye, it's over," try telling him what you NEED out of the relationship (mainly: support, right?). And, like I've said, try to get him to be honest about how he feels about all this job stuff.
I say all this as just another confused 20-something trying to sort out her own life! Forgive me if I've read too much of my own situation into this, or been too sympathetic towards him. Overall, I say if the issue alone is his lack of support right now (and, let me add, IF he's been supportive of you in the past), then maybe a long heart-to-heart could keep this from being a break-up.
Maybe. Ultimately, do what's best for YOU, however.
Keep us posted,
~S
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2005
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 2:22pm

Perhaps I need to clarify...

We were most definitely in a relationship. He did not see other people, I did not see other people. Neither of us tried to hide one-another from our families or friends. Acutally, he was upset with me for not spending enough time with his friends and family but seeing them was tough because they all lived at least 3 hours away...

So, I appreciate your advice, but it isn't on target in this case.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 4:16pm

In that he didn't ask you to move...that you took it upon yourself to do it - there yes was a realtionship. But it wasn't one of commmitment to the future with you on his part.

That is obvious.

Dating is not about a future. And very few relationships 'go the distance' in the bigger scheme of things (I'm not talking about divorce stats either). I mean most people date people for several months or even years - without ever making a commitment to a future other than "my future with me'.

So it was a relationship yes....but it wasn't one that apparently HE prioritized it going anywhere except in the immediate realm.

It was you moving of your own instigation and volition, despite his apparent apathy or slight objection...that should have been your first clue that he wasn't in this "for the long haul."

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com