Did I get dumped?
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Did I get dumped?
| Mon, 12-06-2004 - 3:09pm |
After dating for 2 months, my bf and I became exclusive (his idea). Then, things got weird. I got angry at him one night for not wanting to spend time with me and we had a minor disagreement. The next night, we got into a fight--a real fight--because he didn't call me to cancel plans when a business appt. ran late--leaving me to wait for him for over three hours. Things just got worse from there. I had been somewhat ambivalent about him at the beginning, but I stuck it out and, to my surprise, really started to like him alot. After the exclusivity talk, I guess I thought we'd be a couple--that we'd both want to spend as much time with each other as possible. Anyway, after the fight, he started avoiding me, I got scared, and I started asking him questions--like "do you really want to see me"...blah, blah, blah. You know the story. We had a horrible three weeks, but he hung in there with me, said he really cared about me and that we had potential and that he wanted things to work out. I don't really know what happened. His heart hasn't really seemed into this since we fought, but then again, he's stuck around and put effort into it; he didn't just get mad and walk away. We had another fight this weekend, though, because he seemed ambivalent about seeing me after not seeing me for over a week. He wanted to break up. I tried to talk him out of it, but he was insistent. He needed time and space from me. When asked, he promised to try to find a way to make us work, but I don't know. His mind seemed pretty made up. I'm leaving him alone and taking care of myself because I realize I can't change his mind, but I'm wondering if there's any hope?

Here's the problem: "After the exclusivity talk, I guess I thought we'd be a couple--that we'd both want to spend as much time with each other as possible." When he talked exclusivity, he meant "let's only date each other," not "let's become siamese twins joined at the hip." If your definition of "couple" = 24/7 togetherness, there's two problems, there. One is that your definition is pretty much the definition of co-dependency (we "need" each other, must spend every waking moment together, no separate lives, interests, friends, hobbies, or personal responsibility for our individual happiness anymore). That's scary, stifling, too needy, and probably chased him away. Two, is that you didn't communicate your definition of "exclusive couple," you assumed yours matched his. I'm not posting this to make you feel bad, but as an FYI for the future (whether a "rekindling" of this relationship or another).
My definition of exclusive couple does not include "spending as much time with each other as possible," and I'm a girl. It would freak me out, it would seem too needy, and it would remind me of one of the reasons I got divorced in the first place. There's a difference between being exclusive and essentially being married, and you can have exclusivity without the suffocating togetherness. In fact, you're a more interesting, more secure person if you retain your independence and make it clear you don't need some guy to keep you entertained and keep you happy all the time. A big dramatic scene because he's ruined your night by being unavailable to entertain you, that's a bad sign.
Now, that's not to say you should tolerate disrespect or being stood up for plans. But you say this was a business meeting. Did you have definite plans (like reservations/tickets)? Was it even possible for him to call to let you know he'd be late? I'm a lawyer, and this is a sticking point for me, but the tension between my job and my personal life sometimes feels like it's going to rip me in half. Sometimes, I get stuck on the job until late at night, doing crappy work, and I'm not happy about it, either. Getting hassled by my romantic partner in addition just stresses me out more. I want my romantic partner to get that I have a demanding job, sometimes crap happens, and give me some understanding when it does. Ask if maybe that's the situation for you, as well, and maybe in the future it might be appropriate to be more flexible/understanding.
Communication, though, is pretty much the answer to most relationship problems. Understand what your partner wants/expects, and communicate what you want/expect. Those things will often be different. Figure out if you can compromise. Also, you have to be your own person, and able to be left on your own without your partner feeling responsible for keeping you happy (you're not a toddler, he's not a babysitter). Without the "pressure" to be with you all the time, he'll feel only the enjoyment of your company, and this may be a non-issue. I think that's good long-term advice, regardless of whether this relationship makes a comeback.
If you didn't get dumped already you are definitly headed in that direction if you don't give the guy some space. He sounds like he really likes you and is trying to work with you but you are going to push him away with your confrontational style of communicating and making decisions based soley on how you see it instead of talking to him calmly and rationally.
I suggest you talk to him and find out if there is a way for the two of you to spend more time together. If he feels the amount of time you spend together is fine then he may not be the one for you because the more you try to change him the more he will resent it and end up breaking up with you and blaming you to boot.
I know what you are going through. I wanted to know what was going on to when he was unsure about the relationship and this probably pushed him away. He wanted to be friends, but even when I tried contacting him, he wasn't responding like before and wasn't calling anymore. I guess it was meant to be that way. It is sad and hard to accept at times. But, I am doing better and you will get better too. I had kept hoping that we would get back together, but at when I did that it just kept me hurting too. So, I am now trying to heal. You will feel better either way, and I think I needed to learn to be more independent like I used to be before I met him.
You will see the sun again! :)