Did I really want to be with him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Did I really want to be with him?
3
Wed, 07-06-2005 - 2:30am

We were together for 3 years. When we met, I was already set in my career. He was just graduating from college here in the U.S. and had a dream to start a business overseas in the country his father was from. In fact, a year into our relationship, he spent 6 months in that country to start up the business. He came back again and stayed for about a year. His business was becoming harder to get started and things weren't going that well, and I thought perhaps he'd change his mind, decide to take advantage of his college degree, get a full-time job here in the U.S. instead so that we could be together regularly. But he didn't...he left again this past January.

Before he left, I was starting to feel this relationship wasn't going anywhere and I said we should just end it. I wasn't happy anymore. I felt like we wanted too many different things out of life, and he began focusing so much on his business that I became an after thought to him. I realized I didn't want to be with him anymore...But he still wanted to be with me. He said he'd come back again in 6 months and he'd be able to get this business going to where he didn't have to spend so much time in that other country. I agreed to stay with him, and I know this is awful, but I mainly stayed with him because I felt bad -- I'd never broken up with anyone before and I didn't know how to do it.

But the long distance made things worse and we fought so much. We broke up on and off. I thought it was for good when we broke up in May. While I felt bad about the breakup because I didn't want to hurt his feelings, it was basically a mutual breakup. We still talked once or twice a week as friends. I felt so much better -- like a burden was lifted off my shoulder and I was ready to move on with my life.

But then in June he called me and said he realized how much he loved me. He didn't want to lose me, so he was going to give up his active share of the business he started and serve just as an outside adviser/investor, come back to the U.S. at the end of July, get a full-time job, and we would get married and have a family. I was hesistant. Was he really the one I wanted to be with for the rest of my life? Maybe now that he was willing to give up this business this relationship could work and I would no longer be an afterthought. Plus, while I'm not old (I'm 28), I was feeling more and more pressure to get married and start a family soon (what with all my friends either married or very close to it in serious relationships). So we decided to get back together. I have to be honest and say that I wasn't 100 percent sure about things and part of me felt like I was settling because I just didn't want to be alone. I was also skeptical about things would working out as smoothly as he said it would, but I gave it a shot.

Well, last week, a month into this decision, he called me and told me that he realized he couldn't give up his business. He couldn't leave others to run it because they'd only run it into the ground. He worked so hard for this business and it was a part of him, and he just couldn't give it up. He couldn't come back to the U.S. in July, and he probably wouldn't come back for another year, so it would be better to end our relationship for good. He said he also realized it wasn't fair that I could have my successful career in the U.S., but he would have to give up his dream. I told him that we had talked about this over and over again, and I brought up these concerns that I thought he might have before we agreed to get back together. He had profusely told me it wouldn't be a problem, but now it looked like it would be. So we broke up and now I am depressed. Very different feeling from the first time we broke up.

I'm confused about why I feel the way I do. It is so much harder now. I feel more lonely and dejected, unike the first time we broke up where I was feeling free and happy, knowing that the right decision had been made. Now I find myself calling him, desperately asking him to come back.

I'm wondering if anyone has experienced a similar feeling in the past where they felt like they didn't want to be with someone anymore, but when it actually does end, and the other person actually does the ending, their feelings suddenly turn around and they feel like they really did want to be with that person.

This is how I feel right now, and I'm not sure if I truly did want to spend the rest of my life with him or if I'm just afraid of being alone. If maybe I had become comfortable with the idea of settling down with him. If, since he has been gone for almost 6 months, I forgot about all the things that had made me realize wbefore he left that we weren't right for each other (you know that saying about how absence makes the heart grow fonder). Any insight/advice/experience would be much appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2003
Wed, 07-06-2005 - 12:59pm

Cdlbc- The reason why you're feeling like this is because your ex took the breakup power away from you. You knew things wouldn't work out and when you dumped him he didn't know how to handle it. His pride made him convince himself that you two were meant to be and he somehow needed to get you back. Now that he's finally realized the truth he's okay with ending it. He in turn took away your power. Hope this makes sense. Bottom line...You both know a future is not going to happen. You have two choices at this point. You can be honest with yourself and move on or you can get the power back if you absolutely must have it to move on. LOL!! Let me know if you want to get your power back and I'll explain what you have to do.

Alison

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Wed, 07-06-2005 - 5:39pm

Thanks for the feedback Alison. It makes sense...but I never really thought about how he may have wanted to get back together with me when we first broke up because he wanted the "power." That's an awful thought, but I wouldn't put it past him.

I really do just want to move on. But I'm curious...how would someone in this situation get the "power" back if they wanted to? If you're willing to share, I'd love to hear about it just to satisfy my curiosity. :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2003
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 7:57am

Well he may not have intentionally gotten back with you to only break up with you but at the same time his ego/pride was hurt when you dumped him. Same goes for you now. Honestly deep down you don't want to be with this guy. If you must have the last word and be the dumper as opposed to the dumpee, you would have to communicate to him how much better off you are now that you two are apart. That would most likely hurt his ego to know that you've moved on so quickly and it would do the trick. It's not worth it if you asked me because it really doesn't seem like he deceived you or treated you badly. I'd chalk it up to a relationship that wasn't meant to be.

Good luck to you!

Alison