did you ever wonder ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
did you ever wonder ...
9
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 10:29pm
why most of the posters here are women...well not really....we all know we are the superior sex and that we love love love to talk things to death...but it makes it seem like the women are the only ones hurting and the guys are off making a new life for themselves..

i know it is easier for guys cause they can go out and just ask another girl out right away to ease their pain....and we have to wait to be asked out....but another guy to me right now would not ease any pain....i need to heal first...why arent guys like that.???

if we all got so strong that in our next relationship we refused to accept anything but the best of treatment then the guys would not have anyone to mess around with..lol

women can be so needy sometimes...me included....that it makes me crazy...men are pretty simple creatures and usually they mean what they say...why do we refuse to listen of make excuses for them....it makes me crazy..

i would love to hear from a guy about what he feels like after he dumps a girl...really..do you think there are any guys out there that will see this post...probly not...

just some food for thought

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 8:56am
loveslife,

I am a guy and hopefully I can give a little insight into what I feel, as I am currently going through a breakup. I would be married four years this December, instead I'm in the middle of a divorce. To tell you the truth I really don't want to move on to another woman. At times I think a guy may want to one up their previous partner. Sometimes I feel well she doesn't want me, so I'll show her I'll go right out and find someone that does. That'll show her.

I think some guys truely feel the same as a woman may feel. But there are alot of dirt bags out there. Now that I'm on my own I'm hanging out with more guys alot say they don't really care about who thier with or I don't mind cheating on my current so and so b/c she'll never find out. Don't think this is helping you but just wanted to let you know their are men out there who hurt just like you do when they're dumped and I'm one of them.

I think we just have a tough time dealing with our emotions sometimes. I really don't want to talk about what's going on with anyone. I just go about my day acting like I'm okay, sometimes I am, and other times... well not so much.

Don't know if that helped or even made any sense...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 10:12am
Dumping someone always involves a certain degree of guilt. You're thinking to yourself, "I should've done this long ago but I've hung on out of guilt - miserable as I may be." Nobody wins in a break-up. Of course, the dumpee is going to feel a lot worse than the dumper.

The question is, is it better to get smacked in the face with the brutal, honest truth or be strung along and led on not knowing what the other is really feeling and thinking only to find that one day, they've decided to suddenly sever all ties without so much as a phone call? Both prospects are very unpleasant. You've got to decide which is the lesser of two evils. Most women would probably say that they prefer the smack in the face. Quick but still painful. When the guy drags it out, then the woman is left to wonder why he didn't say anything sooner and resents him for wasting both of their time.

I am guilty of leading a woman on. I hopped right into a relationship after getting dumped by the woman that I really love. She digs me but I'm just not able to reciprocate. I'm going to hate to end it because she's such a sweet kid. I know what I'm doing is wrong but I just don't have the heart to tell her straight to her face that we're not going anywhere long term. I hate myself for this. I see myself breaking this poor girl's heart. It's going to happen - probably later than sooner. A guilty conscience is a tough thing to carry around everyday. God forgive me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 8:24pm
yes van it all makes sense to me ... what you are feeling after being dumped...

i do have a brother who got broken up with by the love of his life...that was over 10 years ago and he is still afraid to date and let another girl get close to him.

it was disturbing for me to hear about some of your guy friends....and their feeling about committment and cheating..guess the good ones are hard to find....

what i was really wondering was what does a guy feel after HE breaks up with a girl...does he miss what they had or do they just move on with no feelings...it sure seems like that to me...

good luck to you....you sound like a great guy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 8:32pm
how long have you been dating this new girl...have you given the relationship time to develop so you really know....if you have given it a fair chance then she should understand...but i now it is hard..

if a guy breaks up with a girl and feels guilty is that why they still call from time to time and email to catch up...that does confuse girls because they start thinking the guy might want to get back together...

it is so hard to understand a guy wanting to break up when things are going great and it comes out of the blue....and then when they say we are like really good friends who have awesome sex....isnt that what a good relationship is....

how can a guy go from acting like he is crazy about you all the time....in all ways...and then six hours later he is just not into you....i have never been so confused in all my life....and it is hard to think that it is not something i did....or did not do...but i can think of nothing....

he also said that we would probably just break up in 6 mos to a year and now this would be easier....at the 3 month mark....

he has not had a relationship for about 9 years and that was a college romance so maybe he is just committment phobic..

i dont know...it is just that girls love to be able to figure things out

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 9:49pm
I know you're going through a lot of pain right now....but I'm sure your ex is to....he's just dealing with it in a different way. Nobody likes having to break someone's heart but sometimes it has to happen. Most of the posters are women here (although there are several men throughout Ivillage also) because women do tend to need to talk and get advice from strangers where guys would rather talk to their buddies and also...this is "the women's network"....I don't beleive for a second that the guys aren't hurting though. And honestly there is nothing keeping you from asking a guy out if you really wanted to but you're smart enough to realize that you aren't ready for that and it wouldn't be fair to the guy. Most guys that heal by rushing to another girl...aren't rushing for another relationship...but just for physical needs and possibly a ego boost....reassuring themselves that they're still desirable. Some girls do this to but not nearly as many girls do it as guys do. Anyway, I hope you're doing better....you'll get through this sooner are later and as always...we're here if you need us!!









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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sat, 11-06-2004 - 4:16am
i guess you are right...if i had dumped him i would feel bad too....it is just easier to say he is a jerk....you deserve better.....he was not that great...on and on...

i should remember...maybe he really is the great guy i thought i was dating...and he just stopped likeing me all of a sudden...so he did the honest thing by telling me insted of stringing me along....

wow...now that really does hurt...i am back to thinking what a great guy he was and how i lost out....

i hate this confusion.....but i am feeling a bit better....

i just hate to think that his emails and phone calls came from pity because i do not want to look pathetic..know what i mean

thanks for your kind words though

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2004
Sun, 11-07-2004 - 6:41am
superior sex??? wow accordin to who (LMAO)

interestin stuff u post there.

Ah I ll tell u only this.

Tonight I supposedly had a date with a girl , but I called her n cancelled and instead went partying with some friends.....cos she, really , cannot keep a conversation for more than a minute and being so, methinks I only am interested then on the "physical" side of the relationship .. sooorry

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sun, 11-07-2004 - 11:31pm
well at least you are honest and dont string her along...good for you....
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2004
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 1:30am
not so, I still want to steal a kiss from her because she is pritty :P